I felt like we were on a carousel, going round and round and one of us had to get off. ‘Can we not let it go, Ella?’ I spoke gently, to appeal to her. ‘In the great scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, it’s the past. You’ve got your lives before you – I mean you and Jamie, you can travel, see the world, find somewhere to settle—’
‘We’ve found somewhere, a lovely detached in its own grounds, only about two miles from you and Dan. We thought it would be handy for work – oh, and for the kids to visit.’ She was looking straight at me, waiting for me to bite. And I couldn’t help it.
‘Our kids?’
‘Who else’s? Jamie wants to see more of Freddie.’
My fury rose and I couldn’t keep it in any longer. She tried to seem harmless – with her hair extensions and yoga and clean eating and fake lashes. But it was all an image for Instagram, and tomorrow, next week, next year she would shed it like a snake sheds its skin. Only a week before, she was the blushing bride, a few days ago, the girl in a bikini, and now she was playing at being a mummy. It didn’t add up, there was no substance behind any of it; she was just trying on other people’s lives to see if they fit.
‘I don’t know what you’re playing at Ella,’ I said, ‘but somehow you’ve managed to wrap everyone around your little finger, pretending to be Miss Innocent, but it’s all fake. Instead of setting up a weird account pretending to be a mummy, why not go and be one? Have your own babies with Jamie, be a mummy blogger, or an Insta-mummy, or whatever the hell they call them! Put your own kids on the Internet. Just stop trying to steal mine!’
She’d sat up on the sofa and was just glaring at me.
‘You think you know everything, don’t you, Clare? You think you know me, that you know what I’m about – you haven’t a clue.’
‘Oh, I’m sure I couldn’t begin to know everything about you. But one thing I do know is that it’s all for show and underneath I bet your life is a mess.’
At this, she gasped and started laughing. ‘My life… my life?’
‘Ella, just do us all a favour and do something real for a change. Have a baby, if you want it that much. Trust me, it’ll take your mind off everything else, it’ll give you a real life – it might even stop you obsessing over mine.’
She looked at me like I was mad. ‘Wow.’
‘What?’
‘You really think I want your life? That I want to go from being me to being a fat, stressed, milk machine? Great idea, Clare. I’ll pop out a few kids, get fat, then watch my husband chase other women, but I’ve got the kids so at least he’ll never leave me. I’ll show those pretty young things he thinks he’s fallen in love with – that’s your life, Clare. Yeah, really something to aspire to.’
I couldn’t believe the cruelty of what she was saying; it hurt so much to think that was who I might be. I guess the truth always hurts.
She continued, ‘I know you hate me, but you hate yourself too for putting up with it. That’s why you slept with Jamie, it was your sad little attempt at revenge. But it backfired didn’t it?’
‘I regret what happened, but I don’t regret Freddie,’ I said.
‘That’s exactly what Jamie says, so why don’t you let him be Freddie’s father, acknowledge who he is, tell the family – and, when he’s old enough, tell Freddie.’
‘No,’ I said calmly. ‘I don’t think you realise the implications, Ella…’
She was still semi-recumbent on the sofa, long brown legs, golden toenails. I envied her physical ease as she slowly crossed those perfect legs. ‘Well, I gave you a chance,’ she said, threat in her voice, her eyes almost black.
‘But I don’t have a choice,’ I said, panic rising in my throat.
‘You could have had a choice, if you’d owned up, let Jamie be a dad.’
‘Jamie wasn’t interested in becoming a father until you came along. You’re just here to stir up trouble, and you’ve really turned his head. You don’t want to be a mother yourself, so what exactly do you want – money? Is that what it is?’
‘Oh, you really haven’t a clue, babes,’ she said, throwing her head back and laughing, mirthlessly, baring those white teeth.
Everything about Ella, from the rainbow bookshelves to the designer labels, to the clean vegan eating, avocado-with-everything approach to life – it was about image. She was keen for Jamie to spend time with Freddie – but it wasn’t because she cared about Jamie. She saw a cute kid with blond hair and she wanted him on her Instagram. Everything in Ella’s life was staged: no messy emotions, no flesh and blood, just beautiful selfies, hair extensions and fake lashes. Now she wanted to add one of my kids to her portfolio.
‘Clare,’ she was saying, ‘it’s Jamie’s right to see his child. He’s too weak to fight this alone. He’s been stamped into the ground by that awful woman most of his life—’
A flash of insight. Ella had realised how much influence Joy had in Jamie’s life and had determined to wheedle her way into Joy’s affections so she could position herself front and centre. It was all cooking and gossip at first, but Ella had just been easing herself in.
‘Someone has to clean up the mess you made. Might as well be me… After all, you’re not going to tell the truth, are you, Clare?’ she said knowingly.
‘I can’t. The kids… what it would do to Dan, to everyone?’
‘Dan?’ she said, getting up from the sofa, facing me, hands on hips. ‘You mean Dan who’s cheated on you all your marriage? Because, let’s face it, he’s never really cared, has he, Clare? Everyone knows he’s been trying for years to escape from your clutches, be released from your banal life of domesticity. He only stays for the kids – you’d have to be blind or pathetic not to realise that.’
This felt like a smack in the face, a stinging resounding slap that reverberated through my body.
‘Whatever’s happened between me and Dan is none of your business,’ I said, trying not to cry. Was it true what she said, was Dan really only staying with me for the children? And if so, could everyone see it but me? ‘Me and Dan are fine now, it’s in the past,’ I said, to convince myself as much as her.
She walked towards the door to leave. ‘In the past, is it? Okay, so is Dan asking me what I like in bed “in the past”? Is Dan asking if I fancy him more than Jamie “in the past”? Is Dan telling me this morning he would love to kiss me “in the past”?’
This took my breath away. I couldn’t speak. Was this true? Had he really said those things, on the holiday that was meant to bring us back together? Or was Ella just lying, lashing out, trying to hurt me?
‘And I’m not lying, Clare,’ she said, like she’d read my mind. Then she opened the door, and before she left added, ‘I’ve known a lot of men like Dan, and “in the past” I’d have ridden that train, but not this time…’ She hesitated. ‘When I think about the way… the way… he is – it makes me sick. And a heads up – it so isn’t “in the past”. Ten minutes ago, by the pool, he said he’d love to see me naked.’ And with that, she left the room, swinging her hips in her too-small bikini.