Chapter Thirty
The following day, Dan and I were in the garden with the children when I saw Ella slip out through the French windows. I was immediately on alert. In the aftermath of what had happened, I was feeling guilty. I only wanted to do to Ella what she was doing to me, dangle her secret in front of her. It was defensive rather than vindictive. I never expected her to end their marriage within hours of receiving the message and throw herself headlong into a reality-show dream – one that didn’t even exist.
I considered explaining it to Jamie, apologising to both of them because it was my fault they were now in the early stages of parting. I consoled myself that if she really loved him, and he her, then this wouldn’t have happened – but that would have been a natural break, not something forced upon them by me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw she was walking over the grass in our direction. She had this look on her face that made my chest hurt and my heart began pounding as she approached.
I dared to look at her, our eyes met but she didn’t flinch, just continued to march our way, hair flying behind her, sunglasses on her head.
‘Dan, can I have a word?’ She stood over us all, but her eyes were focussed on Dan, she didn’t even look at me or the kids.
He looked surprised. ‘Yeah, yeah, now?’
‘Please.’ She turned to look at me. ‘I won’t keep him for long, Clare, I know it’s family time. Just need to discuss something important.’ She gave me that fake saccharine smile, and it chilled my bones.
‘Ella… please…’ I looked into her face, desperate to make some kind of connection.
Dan looked puzzled. ‘What’s going on with you two?’ He was half-smiling, like we were teasing him, but I just kept staring at her, begging her not to say anything.
‘Clare, I need to talk to Dan… please don’t interfere.’ She was adamant. I had only known her for a matter of days, but I’d got to know that determined face.
I briefly looked down at Alfie, who was asking me where the sun slept at night. And when I looked up again, they were walking away. ‘In the sky… darling,’ I said, glad I was sitting down, because if I’d been standing my legs may have given way.
‘But… Mum, does the sun have a bed in the sky?’ Alfie was asking.
‘Yes… er no.’ They were walking quickly. Ella couldn’t wait to give him the news. Ella had picked a moment when she knew I couldn’t go after them, with only me out there to supervise the children. My ‘clever’ plan had not only made me the cause of their break-up, but given her even more reason to tell Dan about me.
They stopped when they came to the small garden table and she patted a chair girlishly, clearly asking him to sit down. They were less than 100 feet away from me, but when they started talking I couldn’t actually hear what they were saying. My mouth was dry. I looked at my three golden-haired children sitting around me. Violet was playing a game on the iPad, Alfie was lying at my feet, still asking his crazy questions, and Freddie was on my knee. Would this be the last time we’d be like this? Was Ella about to make them children from a broken home?
I discreetly glanced over. She had her hand on Dan’s arm, like she was holding him up; he was shaking his head slowly.
I felt tearful. I wanted to run across the grass and scream at her to stop, but it was all my own stupid fault. I wasn’t ready to give up on our marriage, our family. Neither of us really wanted anyone else, did we? Were Marilyn and Jamie just our final tests before Dan and I settled into a good, faithful, lifelong marriage?
And as for the Jamie situation – I’d forgiven Dan for sleeping with other women, so he should be able to forgive me.
I looked down at Freddie, sleeping on my knee – a reminder that my betrayal was different, and in the great scheme of things, probably far worse.
I watched them talk; it was quite animated and I couldn’t imagine what was being said. I was just aching for the conversation to be over, for Ella to send Dan back to me after she’d told him everything. I’d already started to think about how we’d get through this as a family. If Dan couldn’t forgive me, he’d have to move out. Jamie might still try to get visiting rights, or even fight for adoption, but I couldn’t worry about that yet. For now, my priority was the kids.
I continued to try to pin down the sun’s bedtime routine with Alfie, answer Violet’s probing questions about why Auntie Ella was talking to Dad and stroke Freddie’s head while he slept, because, in the middle of it all, when life is crashing down around us, it’s what we do, us mothers. Walls can be falling down, bombs dropping around us, and throughout the chaos all we care about is that we keep our children safe and happy.
Dan now had his head in his hands and Ella had her hand on his back. She glanced over, victorious, and I was about to ask Violet to keep an eye on the boys so I could go over and take control of my own destiny, instead of leaving it to Ella, when Joy appeared.
‘Have you seen Bob?’ she asked. ‘I don’t know where he is.’
‘No… He might be asleep by the pool, he often lies under that tree, just to the side.’
‘He hides there,’ Violet laughed. ‘He told me it’s his quiet place.’
Joy rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll check there, thanks, girls.’ She set off across the lawn, and stopped dead when she saw the tableau of Dan and Ella. She turned and looked at me questioningly, and in answer I just shrugged, but she kept the same concerned look on her face. Had she heard what they were saying? Was it all too late? I felt awful, she’d be genuinely hurt when she found out about Jamie and me, and I think it would kill Bob, who was such a family man.
I remember asking him once, in a light-hearted way, why he put up with Joy. I’ll never forget, he just looked at me and said, ‘Because without her I’d be nothing. She’s everything to me, Clare, made me what I am, gave me my family.’ I’d been rather touched, and hoped that one day Dan might say something like that about me. Right now, I doubted it. He wasn’t the devoted type like Bob. And sitting a few hundred yards away from my marriage being destroyed by Hurricane Ella, I knew I never would be ‘everything’ to my husband.
Whatever happened now was my fault, and I would take full responsibility. If Dan chose to stay or leave, it was up to him. I just had to be strong for the kids while everything fell around me.
I now had to face the consequences of that drunken night three years before…
If the butterfly hadn’t flapped its wings, the hurricane wouldn’t have happened.
Eventually, Dan stood up. He headed back over the lawn and, in spite of the children being there, I asked quietly if he was okay.
He looked shell-shocked. ‘Yes. But we’ve got a problem.’
Chapter Thirty-One
‘So Ella told you?’ I said.
Dan just nodded, looking past me, like he couldn’t even see me any more.
I remained on the grass for a few seconds, the kids chattering, Freddie still sleeping.
‘We can work through it, Dan. I know it might not seem like that now, but—’
‘So you know what she’s saying?’