Be careful what you wish for. Who’d said that to her? It might have been Fiona. She had a saying for every occasion and liked her daily motivational posts, which popped up on her phone. Or maybe it was Hailey. She couldn’t remember, but it had struck her as an odd saying at the time. Now she understood. Thank goodness half-term was only two weeks away, at which point her full-time stint would have finished and she could take some time off. Then she’d take a step back and decide what she really wanted.
In her heart, she already knew. Family had to come first, and working full-time while Matt got his business going was part of keeping their home life stable. It was disruptive as well, though, because while she was out all day, the housework wasn’t being done, they kept running out of things, which meant a dash to the shops, the kitchen floor was… She stopped her mental list, knowing that she’d feel more despondent if she laid it all out.
Something’s got to change, she decided. And it meant a proper conversation with Matt. Although that might be a struggle, given the shift system they seemed to be working at the moment, never in the house at the same time without the kids around. No opportunity for a proper heart-to-heart.
Thoroughly distracted, she stumbled out of bed when she heard Matt come out of the shower and passed him in the doorway, hardly awake enough to acknowledge his presence. A routine done on autopilot. She leant against the tiles, letting the hot water run over her body, shampooed her hair and thought about the corner she’d boxed herself into.
Her wage was the only money coming in to the house until Matt’s contract paid out, but they hadn’t spoken recently about where he was up to, and she wondered how much longer it would be. The mortgage payments would start again in a couple of months, and by that time, it would be the summer holidays. Maybe she’d have to continue her part-time hours through the break to keep some money coming in. But would Matt be happy with that when the kids were at home?
Already her head was throbbing as she tried to work out what was best for everyone.
When she got down to the kitchen, Matt was tucking into scrambled eggs on toast.
‘You’re up early,’ he said before stuffing another forkful of food in his mouth, eating like he had a train to catch and was running late.
She’d assumed that it was their regular getting-up time, but when she glanced at the kitchen clock, she saw it was an hour earlier than she’d thought. She groaned and flopped into a chair at the kitchen table. ‘What the…’ She checked the clock again to make sure. ‘You mean, on the one morning that Ezra has actually stayed asleep and not woken me up, I could have had another hour in bed?’ She dropped her elbows onto the table and cradled her head in her hands.
Matt got up and made her a coffee, slid it in front of her. ‘There you go, that’ll help.’
She sat back in her chair, hugging the mug to her chest, breathing in the welcome aroma, while she waited for it to cool. It was a moment before her brain cleared a little and she understood what was puzzling her. ‘Why are you up so early?’
Matt chewed his mouthful, swallowed. ‘I’d hit a bit of a roadblock. It’s a puzzle I needed to solve, but I think I just worked it out.’ He grinned at her. ‘Woke up at five, and ping, there it was, the answer. I just want to get on with it before I forget.’
She nodded, sipped her coffee and realised this was the moment she’d been waiting for. Just her and Matt, no kids. A chance to have a proper conversation. She cleared her throat. ‘You know, Matt, I hate to say this, but you were right about me going full-time. It’s not really working, is it? I never see you, and when I get time with the kids, I’m too tired to enjoy it. I don’t think it’s good for any of us.’
Matt stopped chewing and stared at her. She carried on, glad to have his full attention. ‘My full-time contract finishes in a couple of weeks, though, so it should get easier when I go back to part-time, but I was just wondering if—’
‘What do you mean, it finishes in a couple of weeks?’ He looked horrified.
She frowned, not sure why this came as a surprise to him. ‘I told you it was only temporary.’
He dropped his knife and fork onto his plate, pushed the remains of his breakfast away. ‘I’m nowhere near finishing this piece of work.’ He shook his head. ‘I need another month at least, and even that’s…’ He grimaced, ran a hand through his hair. ‘No, it’s going to take longer than that probably.’
Sara’s stomach swirled as the implications started to register. ‘Well, it’s half-term in a couple of weeks, and I’ve got to be home when the kids are off school.’
‘But we need the money, Sara, can’t you see that?’ He banged the table in frustration, making her jump, spilling hot coffee onto her lap. ‘We’ve got the delay on the mortgage, and the bank are happy with the extension to our overdraft, but all that was agreed on the basis of you working full-time. If money suddenly stops going into our account, we’ll be in real trouble.’ He wiped his hands over his face. ‘I’m so close to cracking this thing. So close. But I can’t do it if I’m under pressure.’
He stared at her. She stared back, icy fingers clawing at the nape of her neck.
‘So I’ve got to see if the community centre will keep me on full-time, is that what you’re saying?’
‘Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m sure the girls will help out with Ezra in the holidays, and I can work evenings like I do now. But honestly, Sara, I need to keep going with it. We’re talking a couple of months at the most, then it’ll be done.’
She bit her lip, the idea of missing half-term with the children almost too much to bear.
‘I thought you’d support me in this.’ His stare hardened, his voice sharpening. ‘I’ve done everything I could to support our family, and now I’m asking you to do for two months what I’ve done for years and you’re making a fuss.’
Sara shook her head, a tinge of desperation in her voice. ‘I’m not making a fuss. I’m just exhausted.’
He gave a frustrated sigh. ‘You wanted to work full-time. It’s what you’ve wanted ever since you started that job.’
‘I know, but I’ve got all the other jobs to do as well. Me working full-time is not the same as you working full-time.’
His eyes widened and he reeled back in his chair, mouth gaping. ‘Are you saying I’m not pulling my weight?’
Sara looked at her mug, regretting her words. She wasn’t up to a fight, didn’t have the energy to go through all the things he took for granted. Things he didn’t even notice she did around the home.
He got up, pushed his chair back under the table. ‘I’m doing this for us.’ He leant forwards, hands on the back of the chair. ‘I’m doing my best. But it’s never bloody good enough for you, is it? You always want more. Well, I don’t have any more to give. This is me doing the best I can, and if it’s not good enough, then maybe we need to think about a different future. One that better suits all of us.’
His words landed like a weight on her chest, sudden and shocking, taking her breath away.
He turned and stormed out of the back door, slamming it behind him. She heard the office door open and close. He didn’t mean it, she told herself with a shake of her head, as if that would put all her thoughts back to where they’d been before their conversation. But what if he did?