‘Forgive me,’ he said almost pleadingly. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please take me back. I’ve made a mistake. We can make this work.’
I was paralysed. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. He wrapped his arms around my waist and laid his head on my stomach. He looked so heartbroken and so sad. I felt like shit. Somehow, even though we were not together, I felt I had betrayed him in some way, I cheated on him. I laid my hand on his shoulders.
‘Get up,’ I said.
My voice sounded firm and steady, unlike how I felt. I’m such a shit; here is a man who loves me, willing to admit he made a mistake, and I couldn’t wait to run into Davian’s arms.
‘Come in,’ I said.
***
I unplug my headphones and look at the window. A group of kids walk by, followed by a man in a brown coat, glued to his phone. This is how Abdel came back in the picture, but what about Davian? Did she keep seeing him behind Abdel’s back? I rub my jaw, take out a few notes, and place them on the table. I pack the laptop and get up. I walk out of the café, leaving my sandwich untouched. Somehow, listening to all of this, the mess Lottie created in her life made me lose my appetite.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I nip out to buy tea, milk, sugar and bread. I’m walking past the newsagent when a headline in bold stops me in my tracks.
The Secret Life of the Office Girl and Her Killer.
What would her parents think, reading this article about their daughter sleeping with someone who was already in a relationship?
I scan the words lover, affair, murder. I didn’t buy the newspaper. I didn’t want to read about my friends seeing each other behind my back. If only I hadn’t acted the way I did at the party, if only I had spoken to her, if only I hadn’t gone away, I could have stopped it. I would have stopped Lottie from doing something like this. No, don’t go there, I think. It wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to blame myself for Lottie’s and Davian’s actions. I couldn’t have stopped her. Or him. It’s like they were going to tell me. How was I supposed to know? It breaks my heart that they, my friends Lottie and Davian, could do this. To end so tragically for both of them. I go back to my flat where nothing awaits me but a laptop. But someone is waiting for me when I return. DC Gallagher is standing by my door. I wonder where DC Taylor is; I thought detectives come in pairs, like socks. She peers at me as I approach. Why a policewoman? When she could have been on the cover of a magazine? I don’t see why a policewoman can’t look like a Bond girl.
‘I was wondering if I can ask you a few more questions,’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say, and unlock the door.
Of course, she would ask me a few more questions and she’d come back again and again. She isn’t going anywhere, not until she gets to the bottom of this.
Good thing I hid the laptop under the bed this morning. DC Gallagher walks in and looks around. The flat has seen better days. There are dirty dishes in the sink, piles of clothes on the sofa. I remove the clothes and the empty mugs from the coffee table. I offer her a drink, but she dismisses it with a wave of her hand. I want to ask her about Davian, but she won’t give me any information. She remains on her feet and it makes me uncomfortable.
‘Were you aware Davian and Lottie were having an affair?’ she asks.
‘No, I wasn’t,’ I reply.
‘Davian didn’t say anything about this to you?’
‘No.’
‘Lottie?’
‘That’s the point of an affair,’ I point out.
‘Excuse me?’
‘An affair is supposed to be kept secret.’
She gives me a look as if to say, ‘okay, smart arse’. ‘Did Lottie ever say anything to you about being frightened for her life?’
‘No.’
‘She didn’t say anything that made you worry, maybe something in her manner?’
I shake my head. ‘No, she didn’t.’
‘Anthony, you’d better sit down,’ she says.
I do as I’m told and DC Gallagher sits down across from me. ‘The gun Lottie was shot with, it belonged to her.’
I stare at DC Gallagher, dumbstruck. Lottie had a gun?
Blood drains from my face. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘As one of her closest friends, I was hoping you could shed light on this.’
‘She never told me anything about a gun. I mean, it's not something you’d tell people about, would you?’
DC Gallagher keeps her face steady without giving me a response.
‘I’m sorry. This is quite a shock,’ I say.
‘It seems none of you knew Lottie at all,’ DC Gallagher says.
I detect a slight irritation in her voice. Did they find Davian’s prints on the gun? Is that why he’s in custody? I wish I knew.
‘We spoke to Ella and she said just about the same thing as you. She was quite surprised when I told her about the gun,’ DC Gallagher says, standing.
After DC Gallagher left, I slumped on the sofa; a groan comes out of my mouth and I rub my face with my hands. Lottie was shot with her own gun. Lottie bought a gun. Why? What was she afraid of?
***
Lottie’s Recordings. Clip eighteen
Now that Abdel and I are back together, I’m determined to be good, and the first thing I have to do is explain to Davian I cannot see him anymore. My hands were sweaty and clammy as I paced down the corridor. I see little of Davian, and when I do see him, he’s professional but keeps the same tone, as if I am a halfwit. When I knocked on the door, no one answered. I went to ask the receptionist if Davian was around.
‘Davian is away,’ she told me.
Away where? I wanted to ask her, but I didn’t want to expose myself. Was he on holiday with Melissa? Why he didn’t tell me? The thought of him lying in bed with her drove me mad. The truth is, after I leave, it’s her he goes to, not me. Did he expect that I’d be available to him when he returns? That I’d jump when he leaves me a bloody Post-it? Our meetings were recorded on Post-its. Every time he discards a Post-it, he discards me along with it. Is that what I am to him, a word scribbled on a coloured piece of paper? A reminder or a task? What am I to him?
Meanwhile, Abdel was great. Even though we went to dinners, or he came over with a pizza and we cuddled in front of the TV, Davian lingered there. I thought about him, how good he felt, and his breath on my skin. I snuggled against Abdel as if to stop those thoughts from coming back. We might be back together and this is what I wanted, but something didn’t feel right. Not like we were before. Not whole, but broken as if a piece is missing, and we don’t quite fit anymore. Beyond repair. It’s me, the something we can’t repair. I wanted us to get back together back then, not now. I’m convincing myself otherwise.
***
By this time, I had returned from my travels. I felt much more relaxed and ready to face Lottie. Until I heard she and Abdel were back together, so I backed off. I knew Abdel wasn’t happy with me, and I didn’t want to cause any more rift between them. Now, as I’m watching this clip, it makes me wonder if she dumped Abdel with the hope that Davian would do the same? If that was the case, she built a false pretence and it was a foolish act.