‘She never told you anything about a gun?’ I ask.
Ella shakes her head.
‘Why did they question you about the laptop? Wasn’t it at her apartment?’ I ask, keeping my voice cool.
‘Apparently not. They wouldn’t ask about it if they’d found it.’
I shift on my seat. That could be why DC Gallagher was so pissed with DC Taylor; they must be looking for it. They are looking for it for a reason. I have to be careful. I can’t be seen in public with it. What if they are tracking my moves? What if they get the CCTV? The city is crawling with them. How can I be so careless? I think of the places I had been with it. Shit.
‘I can’t believe she had been so secretive, about Davian, the gun and everything else.’
I want to tell her that the laptop is here, in my closet. That it has videos Lottie had recorded in the last year of her life. I want to go down on my knees and beg her not to tell the police, but I can’t do that. Nothing will stop Ella from going to the police. So I sit there and lie to her face just like Lottie and Davian did.
Ella runs her hand through her hair. ‘I miss her.’
‘I miss her too.’
Ella sips her tea. ‘How are you holding up?’
‘It’s hard, but I have to let go eventually. Life goes on.’
What did the police find on her phone? The last call she made, the last message she sent or received? Were there any messages from Davian? It seemed they only communicated through letters and Posts-its. What about what her mother said? That she saw Davian and Lottie arguing outside the house? How did Davian get in touch with her if he wasn’t texting Lottie? Not by a Post-it, that’s for sure, and I checked her emails and there was nothing from him. He must have got in touch with her somehow and Lottie had his number. Lottie said she attempted to send him a text him then deleted it. Davian went to great lengths to cover up their shags.
‘Are you in there, Anthony?’
Ella's voice brings me back to reality.
‘I’m sorry, what?’
She’s smiling now. ‘You were miles away.’
‘Sorry, I...’ I trail off.
She stands. ‘I’d better be going.’
I walk her to the door. I don’t know what happened next. Maybe I pulled her back in, or she came back in but the door is closed and Ella is back inside, leaning against the wall. My hands are riding up her skirt as if I’m hunting for treasure, her lips are on mine, and she moans softly. The clothes come off. I pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I try not to think about what just happened. I don’t think Ella wants to discuss it either. We’re two people caught in a terrible storm in our lives. This is our pain, our grief. This is ours to carry. We are the ones who understand each other. Even though we are friends and we never saw each other that way, we’ll do anything to make the pain go away, even for a few minutes. Maybe she had thought about it; that’s why she came here with the perfect excuse of the police looking for the laptop. Lottie and Ella are friends and I swim between them, those women all linked to me. I glance at the closet, where the laptop rests with its secrets. My burden.
We both get dressed in silence and again I walk her to the door and open it for her. She turns and strokes my cheek, her eyes studying my face as if we’re never going to see each other again. Maybe we won’t; it’s not the right time to see if I can fit her into my timetable.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ she says, kissing me on the lips. ‘I wanted it too.’
So it was in her mind.
‘Thanks,’ she said.
***
Lottie’s Recordings. Clip nineteen
On Monday, I woke up with a sense of dread. On my way to the office I bought a croissant as I always do, and ate it while walking there. Giselle was already in her office. She smiled and said, ‘I thought you were not coming in today?’
‘Was I not?’ I said, dumbfounded. ‘No, I think you got me confused with someone else.’
‘Davian told me you were going to help him out.’
My heart sank; he can’t just go to Giselle and tell her that I am not coming in, and help him with what?
‘Speak of the devil,’ Giselle said.
I glanced at Giselle; couldn’t she see it on my face that I didn’t want to be alone with this man? He was crazy and unpredictable and he is going to make me change my mind. I wanted to scream.
‘I’ll take it from here,’ Davian said.
Giselle's eyes went to Davian, then to me. I wondered if she could tell that something was going on. When she closed the door, I turned to him.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I hissed at him.
‘Stopping you from making a big mistake.’
‘Mistake!’
I sighed and plodded to the corridor. Lilia walked by.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
‘I’m fine,’ I said.
Davian was behind me telling Lilia ‘good morning’ as I felt her eyes burning on my back. I wonder if she suspects too. We rode the lift side by side.
‘What do you think you’re doing? Going to Giselle telling her I’ll be working with you today?’
‘You are going to work with me today. There is something I have to show you.’
‘You can’t just decide-‘
‘You’ll see,’ he said.
***
This video is the longest, over an hour long. I make myself a cup of tea and look out the window, watching a woman pushing a stroller and my neighbour watering the plants. It comes crashing down so hard that it makes my body spasm. I sit on the floor. I cry for Lottie, for Davian, for them both. For their betrayal. I cry for Davian being in custody for her murder. I cry for my pain, for the loss of my two friends, friends I didn’t know at all. I cry for the hurt I’m feeling and for not trusting me enough to tell me all of this. Is she seeing me right now from whatever place she is in? Is she laughing at me? Does she feel sorry for what she did? Is there any remorse? Does she look back with regret? Did she think about her parents? How heartbroken they are right now? Of all the men she could be with, she chose the one who was the least unattainable? The more out of reach Davian was, the more his manipulation furthered, the more she desired him, the more control it gave him. It gave him power without her even knowing. Lottie is a pathological liar, he said. How was she a liar exactly? If she was making stuff up about him, how come no one knows anything about it?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Davian has been released on bail. It has been on the news.
Suspected Killer Released.
I focus on the headline. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? If he’s released, it must be because the police don’t have enough evidence to charge Davian with. I call him, but my call goes straight to voicemail.
We all have that moment when for an instant, for a fraction of a second, our heart stops, and we hold our breath as we see the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. We stare for as long as we can; we might be brave enough to approach, but then we move on.
***
Lottie’s Recordings. Clip nineteen-continued