What about the photograph he gave her and the Post-its? Lottie had recorded clips, giving explicit details of her relationship with him while Davian says he never laid a finger on her. Who is lying? Lottie? Davian? What did the police find to release Davian? No solid evidence to charge him?
‘She was shot!’ I shout. ‘How could she possibly have been setting you up?’
He lowers his head. ‘I don’t know, but something is not right. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone.’
I stare at him.
‘Please?’ he begs.
I nod and turn to take my leave.
I don’t know what’s going on. Davian says one thing and Lottie’s clips say another. How did she know so much if it wasn’t true? She had one hell of an imagination to make all of this up. What about the house she talks about on the video? How did she know about that if it weren’t true? I’m sure there are people who saw them together or argue. How had Davian concealed everything from everyone, including Giselle? I’m sure if he told her what Lottie was doing, Giselle would have taken action. Why had he hid it? Was he embarrassed? Because of Melissa finding out and not believing him? I go back to the flat, where the laptop waits for me with either Lottie’s truth or her lies.
***
Lottie’s Recordings. Clip nineteen-continued
Why did he want to take a photo of me walking to the edge? God this was so strange, I thought.
‘Nobody is going to know it’s you, don’t worry,’ he said.
I kept staring at him.
‘Go on,’ he urged.
It was easy for him to say. What if I fall to my death? I turned and looked at the open space that once was a wall; now all I can see is the fence and the large building behind it. I took tiny steps and the wood wailed under me and my heart thumped against my chest. I took another step looking down at my shoes. I stopped walking.
‘A bit further,’ Davian instructed.
‘God, stop being so odd!’
No reply came.
My muscles tightened.
Click.
Click.
Click.
I shut my eyes as I made it to the edge only a few inches away. If I make the wrong move, I fall.
I heard sounds of another world, not part of this one. Birds, cars, and horns.
‘God damn it, Davian. I’m scared of fucking heights!’ I shouted.
I turned around, being careful with my footing. Davian stood behind me.
What he said next, it was so out of the blue, that I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.
‘Leave him,’ he said. ‘I’ll leave Melissa and we’ll be together, and I’ll give you more.’
***
I press pause and rub my mouth. I sigh, not knowing whom to believe. I have this laptop and Davian insists he never had any intimate relationship with Lottie. Then why go to the trouble? Who killed Lottie?
***
My eyes bulged. He can’t be serious. Was he suggesting we leave our partners to be together, break their hearts? He had to be joking.
‘You want me to leave Abdel for you?’ I asked.
‘Why not? You think it will work?’
‘I don’t know, I hardly think I’m your type.’
‘You don’t know what my type is.’
Every time I glanced down, my stomach lurched and my head started to hurt. My eyes went up to him, so very beautiful, it took my breath away and he was offering himself to me. He could be mine. For a moment, a thought crept in: he was so close, there was no distance between us. Would he push me? Would he do it and be rid of me?
‘You would really leave her to be with me?’ I ask, my hand curling on his shirt. His hand was on my lower back.
‘Yes, I will. I think. We’ll be very happy.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Oh yes,’ he said, and kissed me so passionately, it turned my bones into water.
***
What did they do next according to her? Have sex surrounded by all that havoc and melancholy?
It crawls up at me; the acid rises up from my stomach. I rush to the bathroom and vomit. I hadn’t eaten anything for the whole day so, there wasn’t much in my system. I spit the bile. I stand and crane my head under the sink, washing away the foul taste in my mouth, and then slump on the sofa, rubbing my head.
***
My hand found its way to his groin, feeling his stiffness. We made love surrounded by all that depression and ugliness.
In the car, we were silent as he drove out of Croydon. Davian smoked, his eyes on the road. I looked at the trees and the gloomy grey sky; it was about to rain soon. Can I do it? Leave Abdel so we can be together at last? This is what I want, so why do I feel so hesitant? Why is there that feeling in the pit of my stomach? An uncertainty. There was a tiny voice whispering, “Don’t do it.”
I wanted to discuss it more deeply. I glanced at him, at this beautiful man who a few moments ago, I’d had my legs wrapped around, while we looked at each other with such rapt attention as we filled each other with passion. Now, there is distance again and I’m afraid to talk to him. That’s not normal if we are to embark on a relationship. I have to feel comfortable around him.
How am I going to break this to Abdel? I wanted him to come back and he did. I can’t hurt him, although he did hurt me. I’m not going to tell him the truth, but I have to do this somehow. I sat there in the car with the radio playing pop songs as I fantasised what my life with Davian would be like. We would snuggle and cuddle, then that illusion was shattered with another thought. This will come out in the open and everyone will know. Ella, Lilia, Giselle, all the people in the office, and all the women who fancy him. They will rip me apart with just their glances. How did she manage to do it? They would think why her? What does she have that I don’t? Then another wave of emotion crept into me as I thought of Anthony. I haven’t heard from him for months; are we still even friends? Somehow, I didn’t care what my friends and co-workers thought, but what Anthony has to say. That sure as hell bothers me.
***
I jump up the sofa.
‘Arsehole!’ I roar at the laptop. ‘Why are you doing this? You’re just a machine programmed with software and created by mankind. Why do you have to contain such devastating details?’
I snatch the bottle of vodka and take a gulp. I glare at the arsehole laptop, with its arsehole information, and the biggest arsehole of them all is her. Not Davian, but Lottie. Her stupidity goes beyond any comprehension. She’s a fucking disgrace. I sit in front of the arsehole laptop and fire up a cigarette.
***
I’ve done it! I was sitting on the chair in the kitchen when Abdel walked in with purchases from the supermarket. We planned to cook together that evening.
‘You look gloomy. What’s wrong?’ he asked.
‘You should go.’
He searched my face quizzically; at first, he thought I was kidding.
‘Go where?’ he asked smiling.
‘Out of my life.’
His mouth dropped. ‘What?’
‘You heard me. It’s over. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I can’t do this. It’s not going to work.’
‘Wait, wait, wait, are you serious?’
I glared at him.
He stood there, rubbing his face in confusion. ‘I thought we...’