KARA
I’ve been lying awake in bed for an hour going over the events of last night. I wanted to stay angry with Ben for what happened between us. At the very least, I should’ve made him grovel more. I’m just so tired of the pain and suffering this year has brought into my life—into the entire world—that I didn’t have it in me to hold on to the anger any longer. It was nice to have someone to sit with and talk to after spending so many months all alone. I didn’t want to admit it last night, but I’m glad Ben’s here and I don’t have to spend the holidays alone.
It’s ten a.m. by the time I get out of bed, but I feel completely refreshed. I brew a pot of coffee and take two cups to my parents’ bedroom. I question my sanity momentarily, but it was their tradition and I think I should honor that one last time today.
The view from their bedroom is incredible. With a fresh layer of snow on the ground and snow-covered trees, the world looks ready for a fresh start. Maybe I am too.
As I make my way back into the kitchen, I turn on a playlist of my favorite Christmas music. While my toast gets to the perfect level of toastiness, I make my coffee peppermint-mocha style and even add a candy cane to stir it with.
Today will be sad. It’s the beginning of new traditions many years before I should’ve had to create them. I thought I’d have plenty of holidays with my parents, husband, and children before saying goodbye. In a million years, I’d never have imagined I’d lose them both at the same time. Enough dwelling on what I can’t change. I swore I’d limit the time I feel sorry for myself because I’m still here and I’m going to make the best of everything.
There’s a knock at the door. I hope it’s the tree delivery guy because I’m a hot mess and Ben doesn’t need to see me in my pajamas.
“Coming,” I call out and look out the peephole. Of course, it’s Ben. “Go home and come back in an hour. I need to shower and get presentable.”
His laughter rumbles through the door. “Open up, Kare bear, I’ve got something for you and you’re not going to want to miss out.”
Grumbling, I open the door and am greeted with a killer smile. “It better be good.”
He steps inside carrying an insulated pizza box and looking casually stylish in a pair of jeans, boots, and a sweater. “Have you eaten yet?”
Leading the way into the kitchen, I point to my now cold toast. “Not exactly.”
“Good, this is much better anyway.” He opens his pizza carrier and pulls out a pink box.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“If you think it’s a dozen of Mrs. J’s glazed donuts hot from the oven, you’d be right.”
Squealing. I do a happy dance and kiss him on the cheek. “I haven’t had these in years. Not since the last time we went and got them together. I can’t believe you drove all the way down the mountain in the snow to get them.”
“You’re welcome. Can I have some coffee?”
“Help yourself.” I motion to the coffee pot and get us a couple of saucers and napkins before dumping my cold toast in the trash. “I can’t believe you still drive that mountain like it’s no big deal.”
Ben sits across from me and reaches for a donut. “Aren’t you over your fear? You came up here alone.”
I shake my head. “No, Donna talked to me until the phone cut out and then I white knuckled it the rest of the way. I was terrified and don’t even want to think about how I’m going to get back down.”
“I can drive you, if you want. Coordinate with Earl to bring me back up. Who’s Donna?”
I take a warm, gooey bite of the freshest donut on the planet and moan my appreciation. “Thank you, Ben. This is exactly what I needed.”
He’s still looking at me, and it dawns on me he was serious. Ben doesn’t know my best friend.
“Wow, Donna has been a part of my life for so long now. I forgot you don’t know each other. Donna was my roommate for the last two years of college and two years after that until she married her husband Jose. They have an adorable one-year-old, my niece Natalie. We call her Natti.”
Ben sips his coffee in quiet contemplation. “I’d love to meet them sometime.”
“You don’t have to say that just because of last night. We were both drinking and …”
His eyes narrow. “Don’t you dare say it was a one-time thing. We had a deal, Kara, and I don’t intend to let you out of it.”
“Well then, let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? That kiss was off the charts, and the spark is definitely still there. What now? How do we do this?”
Ben grins, “We start by eating donuts and decorating your tree.”
“That simple?”
“Why not? You’re the love of my life, Kara, and that’s not going to change. If you want to make it hard, to test me or punish me, that’s fine. I’ll still be here.”
He’s so frustrating, but it’s also difficult to be mad at him when he brought me donuts and smiles at me like I’ve done something to brighten his day.
“We’ve missed a lot.”
“Six years,” he states matter of factly.
“You don’t see that as an issue?” I spin my candy cane around in my coffee as he mulls over his answer. Ben’s funny that way. He’d rather not talk until he’s figured it all out in his head. Unlike me. I speak first and regret not filtering it later.
“Does it suck? Maybe. But it’s also an opportunity. We know what it was like to be together and we got to experience life apart. Life was better for me when you were in mine. Was yours better or worse without me?”
I get up and bring the coffee pot to the table to refill my cup and he holds his out for more, eyeing my candy cane. Once I put the pot back, I bring him a candy cane.
“When we broke up, I was so angry with you. Losing you opened a lot of doors for me though. I was gifted precious time with my parents, I met Donna and Jose, gained my beautiful niece Natti, was able to travel the world and give my time to important causes.”
His expression falls, and I reach for his hand. “You were always taking up space in my head. No matter where I went, I would remind myself that we were supposed to go there together. When my parents died, you were the only one I wanted to call. When Natti was born, I wondered if we would’ve already had kids of our own. I wouldn’t give up anything I have now if it meant I could go back. But thinking about the opportunity for a future with you … that makes me happier than I’ve been in a very long time. It also scares the fuck out of me.”
Ben stands, pulls me from my chair, and wraps me in a hug. I’ve missed the comfort and safety of his embrace most of all.
“I won’t leave you again, Kara. If this doesn’t work, you’ll have to walk away from me. Otherwise, you’re stuck with me for life.” He moves in for a kiss but I push him away.
“No, I need to brush my teeth and take a shower.”
Ben chuckles. “Aren’t we past that?”
“Absolutely not! That’s a comfort level we’re going to have to build up to again, but we’re not there yet. I’ll be back in a flash. Listen for the door, please. The tree should be here soon.”