We hadn’t even discussed Carter much since we’d started this dance. Shane had barely mentioned him, and neither had I, and maybe that was part of the problem. I didn’t want to feel guilty by being with Shane, but I did.
“It doesn’t matter how this started.” I cupped his cheek and kissed his forehead. “I do care about you, Boy. I always have.”
“Then why can’t this be more than sex?”
“It is,” I argued gently.
“But I’m not your boyfriend.” He curled his long fingers around my wrist and leaned into my touch on his cheek. “I want to be.”
I wanted him to be too, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. My tongue sat heavy in my mouth, and when he backed out of my touch, a different kind of guilt attacked my heart. He turned to the stove. I watched him, unable to look away from the strong lines of his back.
“I have to go to work in half an hour,” Shane whispered, sliding the eggs from the pan to a plate. “So I made you breakfast. I already had mine.”
“Don’t avoid this,” Carter said. “Stop avoiding everything that scares you, West.”
The memory shook me, and I took a deep breath and cuddled Shane from behind. He stiffened and then relaxed in my arms. “I want us to sit down this afternoon and discuss our relationship.”
He leaned into me and tilted his head back. I kissed him gently, savoring the taste of strawberry jam on his lips. “Okay.”
“So don’t get any ideas about starting something with your coworker,” I teased.
He laughed. “He’s not daddy material.”
“And he never will be. Go shower and get dressed.” I kissed him again. “Thank you for making me breakfast, Boy.”
“You’re welcome, Daddy.” He opened his mouth, like he wanted to say more, but smiled instead. He turned in my arms and hugged me before he headed back in the direction of the hallway and to the shower. I heard the spray turn on and sighed, leaning against the kitchen counter. Running a palm over my face, I stared at the expertly cooked eggs he’d made. He was perfect for me in every way, but wrong too. Why did the idea of him with someone else scare me so much?
I ate my breakfast, and Shane came out dressed and ready for work. River gave me a paid day off today because he was out of town and decided we all needed a day to relax. The down time was odd, and I wasn’t used to that kind of thing, but I didn’t argue, either.
“Are you taking me to work?” Shane asked as he grabbed his messenger bag.
“Yeah, you’re not using an Uber when I can take you.” We headed out the front, and I locked the door before we got into the Toyota. “Maybe we should think about getting you a used car.”
“Are you serious?” Shane glanced at me with wide eyes. “I thought, since I trashed the other one….”
I backed the car out of the driveway and smiled. “I mean, I’m getting a better pay now, and I could afford it. Not something flashy, but a small car to get you from A to B.”
His blinding smile distracted me, and I nearly ran up the ass of a Mercedes that stopped at the red light in front of us. “I’d like that.”
“Good. That’s good.”
I dropped him off at the front of the bookstore, and we shared a chaste kiss goodbye before he bounded to the sidewalk. His excitement was obvious in the way he strutted toward the door and grinned at a woman who nearly knocked into him. He turned to wave at me when he reached the entrance, and I returned it and then headed home.
The house was quiet without Shane. I didn’t like it. I was so used to his presence now, and when I thought about the way our lives had been meshing, I realized that I didn’t want to live without him. Not every man was lucky enough to have someone cook him breakfast each morning, or wake him with a blow job.
Soon Shane would need to go back to school, though, and I added that to the list of topics we needed to discuss. He’d worked himself to death this past semester, and I didn’t want to see him do the same thing this time around. If Carter had been alive…. He wasn’t, though.
I massaged my temple and headed to my office. Falling into my leather office chair, I stared at the work scattered across my desk. I’d recently taken on a case involving illegal arms trafficking. The client wasn’t a Kings member, but an associate that had the money to burn on the best lawyers, which was River’s team. Which was me.
My head wasn’t in the game. I couldn’t stop thinking about Carter, and what he’d say about my life right now. Would he be angry? He always told me to take a chance on what would make me happy with my career, and I hadn’t at the time. What about with Shane? His letter said he wanted me to move on, but I don’t think with his brother counted. Carter had always been progressive, though. He’d fought hard for all kinds of human rights—the right to be who you were. He definitely believed in sexual fantasies and kink, encouraged it, even. Our own play had been limited, just some light fun during bedtime, but Shane and I were more involved, and I fucking loved it. I felt more satisfied with my sex life than maybe… ever. My contentment on that front made the guilt worse too.
I sighed and opened my desk drawer, pulling out the letter I’d taken with me when I left Brickton, Harper, and Leroy. I stared at Carter’s messy writing and smiled. “I miss you.”
I imagined Carter’s dimples that had creased his cheeks. “I miss you too.”
“Am I a bad person?” I asked aloud.
Carter would have tilted his head, just a little, and then raised his light eyebrows. “Are you honestly asking me that, West?”
“I’m sleeping with your brother. Your eighteen-year-old brother.”
“Eighteen is legal, and Shane’s a big boy. A good boy. He needs you.” Carter would have sat in the seat on the other side of the desk, legs crossed at the knees, a notepad in his lap, like the psychologist he was.
“Does he? Or do I need him more? He has his whole life ahead of him, baby. Maybe I’m stealing his youth because I don’t want to be lonely.” I dropped my head in my hands.
“That’s not true and you know it. Shane’s smart enough to understand what he wants, and if he wants you, and you want him, what’s the problem?” I imagined him rising from his seat and coming around the desk, his hand touching my shoulder as he crouched beside me. He would have smile tenderly and kissed my cheek. “I trust you with him, West. Don’t break his heart because you’re afraid. Please don’t avoid your feelings this time.”
“I love you,” I whispered, placing my hand on his phantom one. My palm touched my own shoulder because he wasn’t really there, but it almost felt like he was. “I don’t want to betray you.”
“You’re not. You’re doing the opposite. I want you and Shane to be happy, and if it’s with each other, even better.” His hand slipped out from beneath mine and touched my cheek. “Be happy, West. Fuck everyone else and their judgmental asses. Love who you want.”
“But….” I stared around the room. He was gone. He was never there. My heart felt lighter. Dropping my head, I smiled. That was Carter—open-minded and strong. “I love you. I always will.”