“Levi, I can’t...”
“You’re scared. I get it. I’m a fuck-up. I’ll probably always be a fuck-up. But you make it quiet. You make it all quiet.” I scrubbed my face, slipping my hand over my head to rub the back of my neck.
“I’m tired,” Phoebe whispered, her eyes heavy with the weight of the liquor and my confession.
“Come on.” I stood, offering her my hand. She stared at it like it was contagious. Like if she touched me, she’d be infected with the same soul-eating darkness that lived inside me.
My insides quivered with anticipation. If she rejected me, I didn’t know what the fuck I would do. I was already on edge, walking a fine line between locking myself in the bedroom at the back of the bus or draining the contents of all the bottles of liquor.
“I’m not going to sleep with you.” She huffed indignantly, defiance burning in her eyes.
“I can keep my hands to myself, promise.”
Phoebe gazed up, studying me. “Fine. But this doesn’t mean anything. I’m just really drunk and I’m not sure I can deal with one of the bunks tonight.”
“Yeah, yeah, Intern.” I smirked. “Keep telling yourself that.”
The small room was steeped in darkness as we stepped inside. I went to flip the switch, but Phoebe said, “Leave it, please.”
I stood back, watching her as she stared at the bed.
“How many girls have you brought in here?”
“Don’t ask questions you won’t like the answer to.”
“Right, of course.” She shrunk into herself. “Maybe this is a bad idea.”
It was absolutely a bad idea, but I wasn’t exactly known for my excellent decision-making skills.
Moving behind her, I ran my fingers up her spine, sliding my hand over her collarbone. “I told you I wouldn’t touch you, I meant it. It’s late, we should sleep.”
“Sleep... yes. We should do that.” She gulped.
Fuck. I couldn’t resist dipping my head and pressing a kiss to her shoulder. My lips lingered, as I fought the urge to claim her. To sink my teeth into her soft skin and mark her.
“Levi?” Her voice quivered. “I’m scared.”
I sucked in a harsh breath. I was a mess. A fuck up. An asshole. I’d made women cry, kids cry, I’d even made grown ass men cry. I’d fought my friends, my brother, the press... myself. I’d done some heinous things, abused my body, and more than once in my life, I’d wanted to die. But hearing Phoebe whisper she was scared of me, it twisted something inside me.
This woman—this beautiful, strong woman—had the power to completely disarm me.
Me.
A guy who had only ever given one woman the power to hurt him.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” My lips brushed Phoebe’s ear, my hand splaying around her throat, gently coaxing her face to mine.
I hadn’t planned to kiss her. I hadn’t planned on doing anything, but I always was a weak man unable to avoid temptation. She was standing there, and I couldn’t resist.
“Levi,” she whispered as our lips met in the faintest of kisses.
“Ssh, Phoebe. Just let yourself feel.” My tongue slipped past her lips and curled around hers, massaging and licking. She tasted like all my favorite things wrapped up in one irresistible package. Thoughts exploded in my head of me dripping liquor on her body and licking it off, getting lit on both her and the alcohol. I could vividly imagine cutting lines on the flat of her stomach and snorting them off or fucking her long into the night high on Molly.
I wouldn’t because she deserved more.
Phoebe deserved better.
But it didn’t stop dark thoughts from infiltrating my mind.
“Why does this feel so right?” She broke the kiss, blinking up at me with her big honey eyes.
“Because maybe it is. Maybe we just both have to take a chance.”
“I can’t do it again. I can’t watch someone I...” She stopped herself, letting out a heavy sigh. Part of me was relieved. I didn’t want to ever hear those words. “I’ll never be the most important thing in your life. I deserve that, Levi. I deserve to come first.”
Her honesty shook me to the core. Phoebe had scars. The deep kind. The kind I knew I couldn’t fix. The kind I knew I would only rip open if I pursued this thing with her.
But I couldn’t walk away.
I couldn’t do it.
So long as she was on tour with us, we would continue to go around in circles until one of us cracked. Or I fucked things up for good.
Touching my head to hers, I breathed her in. “I’m not a good guy, Bee, but I’d try to be good for you.”
A shiver ran through her as she swayed gently. She was drunk. Maybe more than I’d first thought.
“Come on,” I said, guiding her toward the bed. “You should get some sleep.”
Phoebe began stripping out of her clothes with haste, as if they were suffocating her. “Stupid shirt,” she groaned as she tried to yank it over her head.
I stood back, smothering the laughter rumbling in my chest. “Need some help?”
Her eyes snapped to mine, glittering in the dark. “I can manage.”
After a couple more failed attempts, I crouched down and nudged her hands away. “Here, let me.” My fingers brushed her bare skin, and she whimpered again.
My dick strained against my jeans, desperate to feel her again. But the next time I was inside her, I wanted Phoebe to know exactly who she was fucking.
I pulled back the cover. “In you go.”
“I can’t believe this happening,” she mumbled. “How embarrassing.” Phoebe buried her face in the pillow.
I made quick work of stripping down to my boxers and climbed in bed beside her. She tried to roll away, putting as much space between us as possible.
But fuck that.
I hooked my arm around Phoebe’s waist and pulled her back against my chest.
“Levi, we can’t snuggle...”
“Why the fuck not?” I tangled my legs with hers, fighting the urge to press my hard length right up against her ass.
“Because I’m your assistant and you’re...” She let out a little huff of frustration.
“It’s okay, honeybee,” the nickname rolled off my tongue as easy as breathing, “you can say it. I’m the best sex you’ve ever had.” I breathed against the shell of her ear.
Her sweet laughter filled the small room. “You’re definitely the biggest ego I’ve ever had.”
That sobered me.
I didn’t want her to see me as the guy everyone else saw.
Rock god.
Sex symbol.
Wild reckless addict.
I only wanted her to see me.
“Levi?” My name pierced the silence. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
What other choice did I have?
I tucked her closer. “Get some sleep.”
Silence enveloped us again and I lay there, waiting for her to fall asleep. If I’d have been someone else, I would have told Phoebe how this was a first for me. I would have looked into her eyes and showed her how grateful, how fucking relieved I was that she didn’t push me away again.
I would have told her that while I wasn’t capable of love, this came pretty damn close.