“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” We had a show to do. If I heard the pain in her voice, I wouldn’t be able to focus.
“Levi,” Eva said more firmly, “call her.” She handed me her cell phone.
I stared at it for a couple of seconds before taking off down the hall to find somewhere a little quieter.
Phoebe answered on the second ring. “Eva, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“Bee,” I breathed.
“Levi?”
Relief slammed into me and I dropped my head against the wall. “You’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” She chuckled. “Going out of my damn mind being stuck here while you... while you’re all there. Good luck with the show.”
“Bee, I don’t care about the fucking show. I only care about... you.”
Her breath caught. “Levi, I—”
“Levi, dude,” Hudson yelled. “We’re on like now.”
“You should go,” Phoebe said.
“Just give me a second. There’s something I need—”
“Levi, let’s go!”
“Fuck, fuck.” I ran a hand down my face. “I need to—”
“Go. You need to go. Break a leg.” Her soft laughter filled the line but then she quickly rushed out, “Actually, don’t. The label would kill me.”
We hung up but I didn’t move, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be there, with her.
I wanted the girl, the relationship, the happily-ever-after...
Even though I knew there was no fairy tale ending for a guy like me.
Sweat rolled down my back. My t-shirt clung to my slick skin as I strutted up and down the stage, screeching the lyrics into the mic. Adrenaline pumped through me like cocaine. I was high on the music, high on the crowd singing the lyrics back to me, high on Hudson’s heavy beat reverberating through me.
I hear the voices, inside my head
Whispering things of sorrow and sin
I hear the voices, inside my head
They taunt me, telling me to just give in
To succumb to the pain, to let go and fall
But I don’t wanna relent, I don’t wanna fade
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
But I don’t wanna die
“Thank you, San Diego. You’ve been amazing, we’ll see you again soon.” I punched my fist in the air and inhaled a ragged breath, dragging air into my lungs.
The crowd roared, the noise deafening. Hudson was whooping behind me, Damon and Rafe grinning like fools either side of me. The lights started to dim, darkness closing in around me, and like after any good high, I began to crash.
A war raged inside me. The happy chemicals trying to stave off the negative ones. Serotonin duking it out against monoamine oxidase A.
But unless I chased the high—swallowed, snorted, or smoked something to increase my dopamine and norepinephrine—I knew it was a battle I couldn’t win.
After the high, always followed the low.
Always.
It was about the only thing in life I could count on.
“Holy shit, that was intense.” Hudson clambered down off his podium and leaped onto my back, hugging me. “We rocked the shit out of this place.”
The three of them walked off stage, jostling each other, but I remained, staring out at the emptying arena. There would be no meet and greet tonight, no rabid fangirls lying in wait out back by the tour buses, security had made sure of that, there was just the deafening quiet and the promise that, in two nights, we got to do it all again.
“Yo, Levi,” Hudson called. “You coming? I could eat a small cow.”
He was always thinking with his stomach or dick.
“Yeah. I’m coming.” My eyes lingered on the dark arena again. This was all I’d ever wanted so why didn’t it fill me up?
Why wasn’t it enough?
As I walked off stage to follow my bandmates, my family in all the ways that counted, I tried to ignore the little voice in my head.
You know why.
The guys wanted to get pizza. Well, Hudson did, but there was only one place I wanted to be.
“What do you mean you’re not coming?” He frowned. “You have to come.”
“Hud,” Damon warned.
“I’m not hungry.” I shrugged.
“Not hungry for pizza you mean.” Hudson leveled me with a knowing smirk.
“Fuck off.”
“No, but you’re about to get fucked. I bet Pheebs likes it nice and—”
I’d fisted his shirt and yanked him forward before I knew what was happening.
“Whoa, man, relax,” he stuttered. “I’m just busting your balls. I like Phoebe. You know that.”
“Levi, let him go.”
My teeth were ground so tight I felt pain shoot into my gums. Anger vibrated under my skin as I narrowed my eyes at Hudson, daring him to say another word.
“Levi,” Rafe said again. “Let him go.”
Shoving him hard, Hudson stumbled back. His hands shot up. “Shit, man, I was joking. It was a joke. I didn’t realize you—”
“Hudson!” Damon glared at him.
“Yeah, okay. Shutting up now.”
Tension rippled between us.
“What’s going on?” Eva approached us, glancing from me to Hudson and back again.
“Nothing,” I let out an exasperated breath. “I need to get out of here.”
Before I did something really fucking stupid.
“You’re going back to the hotel?” she asked.
I nodded. My bandmates watched me. I felt their states of curiosity lick up against me. I didn’t like it. Being treated like an animal at the zoo. Caged. Wild and unpredictable. But I understood their motivations.
They were worried.
They were always fucking worried.
Being the reckless one, the one who marched to the beat of his own drum, had never bothered me much before. Probably because I was always too wasted or high to care. But I was sober more than high these days, and I saw myself the way they saw me.
And I didn’t like my reflection.
“Come on, we can ride together.”
“You’re not coming for pizza?” Hudson asked her.
“No, I’m exhausted.” Her eyes flicked to Rafe. “Someone kept me awake half the night.”
“I... uh...” He blushed. My baby brother actually fucking blushed as he ran a hand over his hair. “See you later?”
“Of course.” Eva went over and kissed him, then she turned to me and smiled. “Let’s go.”
“Guess we’ll see you later then?” Hudson said.
Things weren’t right between us still. We all knew it. But as I walked away from them with Eva, I couldn’t find it in myself to care.