But it wasn’t sustainable.
What was it they said? The higher the climb, the further the fall?
Well, I fell.
Over and over, I clawed my way to the top, and time and time again, I plunged into new depths of self-loathing and pain and emptiness.
It was a bitter cycle. One I didn’t ever think I’d break. Eva had gone some way to breaking the chain though. We didn’t party so hard these days or burn the candle at both ends the way we’d used to. She was like a natural sedative, tamping down our wild ways. Now she had my brother as good as wifed up. Damon had a reason to ride us even more than usual. And Hudson... well, he was still Hudson. But overall, the band was in a better place.
I was the loose cannon, I always would be. But even I was getting ground down by the life.
I let out a bitter laugh.
Letty frowned. “Something funny?” she asked.
“Twenty-one and I’m already jaded.”
“The industry will do that to you.” Concern glittered in her eyes. “Do I need to be worried?”
“Nah, I’m good. I need this.” I needed music like I needed my next breath. It was my anchor. The thing that tethered me to this existence.
“Maybe you should talk to—”
“If you’re about to suggest I see a shrink, save it. I tried that shit, it didn’t work.” I didn’t want to revisit my past, to unpick my deep-seated mommy issues. That only led down one street... and no one wanted to meet that Levi anytime soon.
“Okay,” she held up her hands, “it was just a suggestion.”
“I’ll be okay.” But even as I said the words, I felt the lie snake through my chest.
It wasn’t even nine and I’d already told two lies this morning.
But it saved people from facing the truth...
That I was, and always would be, a screw up.
Phoebe
We were back on the road, traveling to San Francisco. It was a seven-hour journey, but Letty wanted to spend the time going over the plans for the European leg of the tour that she’d received from the label.
“Paris, Madrid, Barcelona, Rome, Budapest, London... wow, this is—”
“Pretty awesome, right?” She shuffled through the papers.
“It looks intense. Do you think they’re up to it?”
“Phoebe, it’s a world tour. A world stadium tour, that’s... well, it doesn’t get any better than that.” She sat back and let out a soft sigh. “But yeah, it’ll be intense. Here we have the tour bus. It gives you a certain level of normalcy. This,” she motioned to the schedule, “is going to mean a lot of overnight flights; a different city every day. It’ll take its toll.”
“Do you think they’re ready for it?”
“Is anyone ever truly ready? They’re the rock band of the hour. Their fan base is growing quicker than we can keep up. Now Eva is on board, things have the potential to blow up even more. Everyone wants a sprinkle of Hunter-Walker magic. I’ve got a ton of interview requests to go through. The press opportunity is huge.”
“I can help with those.”
“I was hoping you would say that.” She shot me a knowing look. “We need to vet each request, make sure the station is legit. Dusty wants to get the major stations pinned down in each country. I’ll handle those. You take the smaller ones: independents, local broadcasters, online streaming services.”
“Got it.” My eyes widened at the list she handed me.
“There’s still a few months,” Letty chuckled. “We have time. Have you ever visited any of these places?”
“No, have you?”
“I went to Italy once with my Nonna. But I was only twelve.”
“You’re Italian?”
“My mom was... I mean, she is...” My brows knitted, and Letty added, “She’s alive. We’re just not on good terms right now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Families are there to test us, right?”
“There’s only me and my dad,” I said.
“Oh God, Phoebe, I’m sorry. I didn’t even—”
“Relax. It’s fine.” I offered her a reassuring smile.
“Are you close?”
“God, no. My father is... he’s very business orientated.” The words were like ash on my tongue.
“He works in the film industry?”
“He does.” I began highlighting the stations I needed to go away and research. “After Zephyr, my ex; our relationship was at breaking point. I told him I wanted to turn things around, and he knew someone at the label. It seemed like a good opportunity.”
“What happened with him... your ex, I mean?”
Pain washed over me, but it didn’t cripple me the way it used to. “He—”
The bus lurched to a stop.
“Sorry ‘bout that,” the driver, a heavy-set man called Gareth yelled.
“What’s going on?” Letty got up and moved down the bus. I followed her, glancing out the window to see what they were both looking at.
“The Van Hool blew a tire.”
“Shit,” Letty grumbled. “This is all we need. How far out are we?”
“Just shy of two hours. It’s a long walk.” Gareth placed the toothpick back in his mouth and waited for instructions.
“Come on, let’s go chat with Duke.” We filed out of the bus. Security pulled up behind us, and Johnson and Stalter came around to inspect the tire.
“Must have hit a jagged stone. She’s torn right through.”
“Already called for assistance.” Duke clambered off the bus. “It’ll take them a little while to get to us.”
I scanned the road. We were in the middle of nowhere, only the barren land of the San Joaquin valley visible as far as eye could see.
“Well, would you look at that.” Hudson joined us.
“Back on the bus,” Letty ordered. “Right now.”
“Relax, Let. We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
“What the fuck happened?” Levi sauntered toward us. He looked disheveled, his hair sticking up all over the place and his eyes ringed with dark circles.
I frowned, watching him. He caught my eye and winked.
“Tire blew,” Duke and Stalter said in unison.
“Can you fix it?”
“Not without help. Got someone on their way but it’ll take time.”
“Great, so we’re stuck out here?”
“We can all ride on the second bus,” Letty said. “Then Duke can catch up with us later.”
“Or,” Hudson chimed, “we could go check out that place.” He pointed off into the distance. I hadn’t noticed it before, but he was right. There was a diner up ahead.
“I’m not sure that’s a good—”
“Relax, Letty. I’ve got this.” He took off in that direction. Stalter cussed under his breath, something about, ‘moronic rock stars’ and went after him. Damon, Rafe, and Eva had all gotten off the bus to see what was happening.
“I could eat,” Damon said, surprising all of us.
“Sounds good to me.” Levi glanced at me and I felt myself grow hot all over.