I walked out of the room, my heart pounding out of my chest. He’d said he loved me. It’s what I suspected, but nothing prepared me for how I’d feel when he said it.
No one had ever said those words to me. I’d begged my parents to say them when I was a child. When I was ignored, I settled for the scraps they gave me. They paid for my clothes, my food, my home, later my education. When I was older, I justified it to myself. They loved me in their own way. That had to be enough.
There was pain in Griffin’s eyes when he’d admitted his feelings. He knew I wouldn’t return the sentiment. I wanted to follow him to tell him he was wrong. That I had let him in, more than anyone else, that I could be the person he wanted me to be. Was it fair to ask him to give me time to get on the same page or would it be like me begging my parents to love me when they couldn’t express it?
How would I know I was in love when I’d never experienced it before? It was never expressed to me in words or through physical actions. Anytime I got too close to a man, I pulled back, ran as fast as I could away from whatever I was feeling. Despite my best intentions, I’d done the same with Griffin. I didn’t know how to be what he needed.
Maybe it was better this way. He’d broken it off with me, so there was no need to feel guilty. He’d made the decision even if I was the one who’d fucked up.
Hadley appeared in my doorway. “Are you going to go after him?”
“No. I don’t think he wants that.” The pressure in my chest built until I thought it would explode.
“Dylan said I should stay out of it, but he said he loved you.”
I winced. “You heard that?”
Hadley’s eyes widened. “Did you respond?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Hadley slumped into a chair, softening her voice. “Do you love him?”
I ran through my memories of him—running into Griffin and Declan in Annapolis, touring the Naval Academy, evenings at his home, our first date at the yacht club, the times we’d spoken on the phone, adopting a puppy together. “I like him. But love? I don’t know.”
Taking that leap, feeling whatever was churning in my chest, my head, left me exposed to be hurt.
Dylan walked in, crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t think you would know what love was unless it smacked you in the head.”
“That’s a little harsh,” Hadley chided.
“Is it? The man kept our rent low so we could get the firm off the ground. He’s investing in Kids Speak because it’s important to you. He cares about you.”
“I know he cares. I care about him too. Why can’t that be enough? Why did he have to say those words?” The words I’d longed to hear but now ran from. How could I be so sure Griffin would be different than Wes?
“He can’t help how he feels,” Hadley said gently.
“I can’t either.” My jaw was set, my teeth ground together.
“I don’t think you’re incapable of feelings. You’re so used to pushing down anything that’s like an emotion, you wouldn’t recognize it when you felt it,” Dylan said.
Was that true? Could I love him and not know it? “How did you know when you were in love with Cade?”
Hadley was quiet as if thinking for a few seconds. “I wanted to confront my father by myself. It was something I felt strongly about but Cade wanted to be by my side. His brother, Nolan, explained how Cade needed to be there for me. That’s when I realized Cade loved me. He wanted to support me out of his love for me. That’s when I realized I loved him too, maybe had for a while and didn’t realize it. That’s what Griffin’s doing. He doesn’t want to control you, or put you in a bad position, he wants to help you. He wants the best for you. That’s love.”
Dylan narrowed her eyes on me. “He’s taking a huge risk for you. Don’t forget, he got burned in his last business by his friend and fiancée.”
I shook my head, feeling empty. I couldn’t trust what I was feeling. I had no idea Wes would abandon me when he did. In the end, he’d said I was cold, that he could never be with someone like me long term. I’d misjudged him, the relationship so badly, I couldn’t trust my instincts.
“Come out tonight at least. We have an important meeting tonight for Kids Speak and you need to relax,” Dylan said.
“Yeah, okay.” They left, the numbness cooling my veins. I had to think practically about this. I’d refocus on work, on what was important. Relationships and feelings had no place when it came to my career. I’d learned that the hard way.
Work equaled security in a way that people or relationships couldn’t.
A headache formed at the base of my neck, crept up the back of my head, until it was a throbbing, living thing. Until I couldn’t focus on the screen. All I could see was Griffin walking out of the conference room along with the sinking feeling we were over. I thought I’d feel relief when it finally happened but I didn’t.
I powered down my computer, packed up my stuff, avoiding my phone. I shouldn’t be worried about whether Griffin would call. I knew we’d break up eventually. It was just a matter of time. I’d gotten in deeper with him than anyone else. In a few days, these feelings of confusion and melancholy would lift. Things would be normal again.
I paused in Dylan’s office. “What time do you want to meet tonight?”
“Eight at the yacht club?”
I stiffened. It was the same place Griffin took me when everything changed between us, when I let him in. “See you there.”
I wanted to ask her what she was up to. Why we had to go to that particular bar when we usually hung out in the more casual harbor front bars but I didn’t. Nothing mattered. Nothing besides getting past whatever feelings I was having. Moving on. Focusing on work. An image of Declan holding Potter flashed in my head but I pushed it out. They were never mine to have.
My hands shook as I unlocked the door to my apartment. I was making more of it than it was. Yeah, Declan liked me, but he’d get over it, right? He was so young. I was barely a blip in his life. It wasn’t like his mother leaving him as a baby, his father dying.
Griffin would meet someone else, someone more suited to him. A better mother figure to Declan than me. What did I know about being a mother, about love? Griffin had gambled on me and lost.
Chapter Twenty-One
Avery
The yacht club wasn’t far from my apartment, so I walked. Thoughts of the way Griffin unzipped my dress the night he took me to the yacht club, kissing my neck, while baring my body to him, combined with the despair of how I’d pushed him away this afternoon warred in my brain.
I scanned the bar area for either Hadley’s red hair or Dylan’s blonde hair. Dylan turned, smiling as she spotted me. She was surrounded by a few large men, presumably the professional athletes Dylan mentioned. Hadley was by her side.
As I approached, Dylan tipped her head toward me. “Avery’s the one who procured the last investor.”
Before I could respond or greet her, one of the men said, “I thought you brought in the investors?”
He was tall, broader in the shoulders than the two men who flanked him, dark hair, eyes intent on Dylan.