Her words were like a stabbing pain to my heart.
“Have you fixed things with him?” Dylan’s voice had a bite to it I probably deserved.
“He was the one who walked out.” The reality of the situation was roaring in my ears. I’d screwed up. I’d pushed him away one too many times.
Hadley accepted a drink from the bartender before giving me another concerned look. “He said he loved you, then you didn’t respond, so he was embarrassed. You need to go to him and fix it.”
“What if I can’t say it back?” It was one of many things that was nagging me.
“Those words are important in a relationship. If you don’t think you can feel that way for him, then maybe it’s best you let him go. If you think you could love him, then talk to him,” Hadley said.
“They’re just words. They’re meaningless.” But they weren’t. They were the words I’d longed to hear all my life until I pushed the desire down so deep I didn’t care anymore.
Hadley’s brow furrowed. “They’re not meaningless, not to the person who loves you.”
“What if I’m not capable of loving him back?” The thought of not being with Griffin was almost inconceivable, but to be with him, he wanted all of me, he wanted to know I felt the same way about him.
She studied me for a second. “You look like a woman who’s been grieving her lost relationship all evening. There’re circles under your eyes, you’re pale, your eyes are full of pain.”
I shook my head. “I have a headache. I just need to eat something.”
“Emotions sometimes manifest themselves physically. Maybe you didn’t eat because you were too upset?” Hadley asked, her voice patient, her words reasonable.
It was nice having friends who cared about me, making sure I was eating, that I wasn’t upset.
I focused inward, trying to determine if she was right. “I can’t seem to breathe deeply. There’s this weight on my chest.”
She raised a brow. “You’re upset he left.”
“I feel something for him. More than I’ve ever felt for anyone else. That doesn’t mean I love him.” My words sounded weak even to me.
“Doesn’t it?” Her voice was gentle.
“You need to talk to him, apologize. Tell him how you feel,” Dylan said.
“Apologize for what? For not feeling the same way he does?” I’ve never apologized in a relationship. I’ve never admitted I was wrong. When you walk away, the reason doesn’t matter.
“Do you think you could love him or is he not what you want?” Hadley asked.
“I don’t know anymore.” I rubbed my heart, trying to ease the headache that only worsened with alcohol.
The girls exchanged a look I tried not to pay attention to. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt deficient. I didn’t feel things the way others could. My exes were right. I was cold.
Hadley sighed. “How do you feel about Griffin’s offer to fund Kids Speak?”
“You should take it. I wouldn’t stand in the way of money coming in, no matter who it came from,” I said, feeling oddly detached from it now. Taking a step back, I could see how important his donation was to the group. I could see now it didn’t have anything to do with our relationship. He wanted to help and he had the means to do so.
“You were so upset about it earlier,” Dylan said.
“It was an amazing offer. Griffin’s been wanting to find a purpose, something good to invest in, and he’s found it. I can’t be mad at him for that. I was upset about the lease. I want him to treat us the same as any other tenant. You remember how it was when Wes was approached about our relationship. He denied we were ever together, accused me of coming onto him.”
When Griffin made his announcement about Kids Speak, I felt warm and tingly all over, which scared me. It reminded me too much of Wes, his position of power at the school and over me, how a few words could ruin someone’s reputation, their career. I wasn’t sure I could trust Griffin to financially back us or give us favors.
“I get that what Wes did was horrible, but I think you want a reason to pull away from Griffin. Yeah, maybe you would have walked away whenever he said those three words, but there was the lease, the offer to help Kids Speak. He gave you several opportunities to walk away,” Dylan said.
“You’re saying I overreacted? I sabotaged our relationship?” Dread curled in my stomach.
“The more I think about it, yeah, I do. You panicked. He was getting too close, you were feeling too much,” Dylan said.
“You don’t love someone because they do nice things for you.” With my parents, I realized I could only control my reaction to them. Had I applied that same control in not getting close to anyone. Who was that hurting in the end?
Hadley tipped her head to the side. “I think if you walk away, you’re going to regret it.”
“I need to think.” I scanned the room, suddenly needing to be alone.
“I don’t know if you should be alone right now—” Hadley’s voice trailed off as she looked to Dylan for support.
“It’s exactly what I need.” I better get used to it because alone would be my state forever if I didn’t figure out how I felt about Griffin.
“Okay, but call us if you need anything. We’ll come over,” Hadley said.
“I will. I’ll see you guys on Monday.” We said our goodbyes. I walked home in a daze, recounting the conversation in the conference room earlier today. Had I overreacted?
Was that my reaction to him doing something for me, or was it something else? Anytime a man got too close over the years, I pushed him away. The one time I let a man in, he crushed me in the worst way possible.
Was I doing the same thing to Griffin? Did I want whatever we had to be over? I didn’t, but I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. A woman who said her feelings easily.
Maybe he wanted marriage and kids. Why did the thought of living with him, having children, fill my chest with warmth, my stomach with flutters? I’d never wanted something like that with anyone.
Panic filled my body as I unlocked my apartment and I climbed the steps to my cozy, yet empty apartment. No one was waiting for me. Not a roommate, a pet, or a boyfriend. No one.
I unzipped my dress, dropping it on a chair, setting my heels underneath. I pulled a T-shirt over my head, falling onto my bed to stare at the ceiling. I loved my home, my job, and most of the time, my life, but I wanted more. For a brief time, I had that with Griffin. But I’d messed up. Overreacting to a nice gesture, assuming he’d screw me over after we broke up, letting him walk away after he’d said he loved me.
Tears pricked my eyes. Griffin Locke loved me. The tears now slid down my face. How many years had I imagined my parents telling me those same words? I’d given up on ever hearing them. The words hung in the air between us. All I had to do was reach out and grab them, reach out to him, but I hadn’t.
I ran like I always did. Did I think I was unlovable or was it because I didn’t know what to do with those words?
Never having experienced it, I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I wasn’t sure what to do or say. There were so many expectations that came with those words. Could I live up to them? Did I deserve them? Could I feel the same?