I turned, walking away from the only person who’d ever cared about me enough to express it in words, in actions. I only had myself to blame. I spent so much time and effort protecting myself, but in the end, all I felt was pain. It radiated from my heart, through my chest, down my arms, to the tips of my fingers. I shivered from the intensity, the fall air biting through my clothes.
Opening the door to my car, I looked at Griffin’s house, the one I was no longer welcome in. I’d screwed up. I knew something would go wrong eventually. I couldn’t help thinking I’d orchestrated this outcome from the beginning by staying one step back. I let myself go deeper with him than anyone else, but I held myself back from the precipice, from the final descent into love. Whereas he dove in headfirst.
Griffin’s porch light turned off, taking the last vestiges of hope I could salvage our relationship with it. I slid into the car, turning it on, and pulling away from the curb without looking back. I thought I wasn’t worthy of love, but the one time I got it, I threw it away as if it meant nothing. As if Griffin didn’t know his own mind.
The one positive thing I could do was ensure Erin didn’t get Declan. I’d use every resource, call in every favor I had, to prevent her from taking him. I’d get the file from the investigator, interview her last boyfriend, dig until I found something that would ruin her bid for guardianship. I wouldn’t stop until she was eradicated from Declan and Griffin’s life. I just hoped when that happened, Griffin hadn’t closed the proverbial door on me too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Griffin
The pain on Avery’s face when she’d apologized almost had me backtracking.
I had to remember she backed off. She didn’t fight for us. That would always be the problem. She was too quick to accept that she wasn’t worthy of someone’s love. It wasn’t hard for her to accept that I’d reject her, that she wasn’t deserving, when she’d always thought that.
I wanted to reach for her, make things right. Pull her into my arms, because there was nothing I wanted more than to have her by my side, but I wanted more from her than an apology. How would I know what she wanted if I pushed her into a relationship with Declan and me? She had to come to the realization on her own that she wanted me and Declan in her life. I wasn’t sure how to do that, how to take a step back.
Instead, I’d panicked, cutting her off, making that comment about Declan being what was important now. I wondered if that was a huge mistake. If I should reach out to her, asking her to tell me what she wanted to say. Or should I wait until this thing with Erin was behind us? When I could focus on her.
I vacillated between sheer panic about how Erin could disrupt our lives to numbing acceptance. I’d dreaded the conversation I needed to have with him. I had no idea how he’d react to news his mother was back. Maybe I should wait to see if she was serious. Hope tried to break through the dread that Erin showing up on my porch was a fluke. She’d realize she wasn’t ready to be a mother, disappearing forever.
I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling when Avery texted. My heart thudded painfully in my chest while I typed my password, hoping she’d want to talk about us. Instead, she’d asked for the investigator’s report. I forwarded the email to her, hoping we’d have one of our video chats that always seemed easier, less pressure-filled than speaking in person.
She didn’t call. She was doing what I’d asked. She was acting as my attorney, nothing else. How could she be so accepting when I’d told her only yesterday I was in love with her? She either didn’t believe me or was so inexperienced in relationships she thought I could turn off my love so easily. Remembering what she’d said about her ex, that was probably the case.
I knew I was being contradictory, telling her I couldn’t talk about us when I needed her more than my next breath. Not as my attorney, but as my girlfriend, my lover, my future. Would she have declared her feelings if I hadn’t interrupted her with that statement about Declan being more important? It was like I’d set up a barrier between us and I wasn’t sure she’d cross it. Was it a way to protect myself in case she planned to walk away?
I’d put myself out there for Avery and she’d taken a step back, literally and figuratively. I wasn’t sure I could take another step toward her, not when she’d been adamant from the beginning, she didn’t want anything serious.
I had to focus on Declan, doing what was best for him. When this thing with Erin was over, then I’d focus on myself, on Avery, and what everything meant.
Avery
I buried myself in work the next few days, poured over the investigator’s report, interviewing him over the phone before I attempted to contact each of Erin’s exes. I couldn’t glean much information from the one I was able to get on the phone. She’d date someone for a few months before moving. She didn’t stay in one place for too long. I had nothing more than what we already knew, she wasn’t a stable option for Declan. I wanted more. I wanted something that would definitely take her out of the running, make her a bad choice for any judge.
I wasn’t sleeping well with thoughts of Declan, Erin, and Griffin swirling in my head. What would happen if Erin took him to court? Was I the best option to represent him or was I too close to the situation? I didn’t want to screw things up for him. For Declan. No case had ever been more important.
I respected Griffin’s wishes, keeping all questions and exchanges purely work-related.
Hadley popped her head in my office. “Hey, what’s going on with Declan’s mom? Did she show up again?”
“No. She hasn’t. I wish she’d make a move already.”
“Do you have someone following her?”
“No. I’m not sure what it would reveal at this point. She’s back. She’s going to contest the guardianship.”
Hadley slid into the chair across from me. “She came back for a reason.”
“I keep thinking about the why too. She told Griffin she’d read about the sale of his business in the paper. It was an article written afterward that delved into where he was and what he was doing now.”
Hadley raised her brow. “It has to be the money. It’s only a matter of time before she asks for it.”
“I gave Griffin a termination of parental rights to have her sign if she shows up.”
Hadley crossed her arms over her chest, sliding back in the chair to get comfortable. “How are you?”
“Tired, but I’ll be fine. I’m just worried about Griffin and Declan.”
“How is Griffin? Have you talked?”
“No. Not since Saturday night.” Not when he’d dashed all of my hopes.
She pursed her lips. “I think he’s waiting for you to do something.”
“He wants me to act as his attorney. He was clear about that.”
“I don’t know. I almost think this is a test of some sort. He told you he loved you and you didn’t say it back. You were angry. Maybe he’s afraid to make a move until he knows you feel the same way.”
“You think he wants me to say the words?” My heart thudded slowly in my ears, blood rushing to my head, making me lightheaded. He wanted the impossible, for me to say the words.