“His last relationship ended badly in a public way. Anyone can read about it. He opened up to you and you rejected him. Maybe he’s taking a step back, protecting himself.”
“I guess it’s possible.”
“I think you need to tell him how you feel. If not for him then for your sake. Otherwise, you’ll always be wondering what if.”
“I don’t know if I can. I tried the other day but he shut me down, saying he could only deal with Erin right now.”
“When I first started dating Cade, I was the same way, wanting to deal with everything myself. Cade showed me that there were other ways to deal with things. Convince him he needs you by his side, not as his attorney, but as someone who loves Declan and him.”
“Maybe.”
“You can’t go wrong telling him how you feel. I know it’s scary. He might say he’s not interested, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.”
“That’s the problem.” My stomach churned. “If I don’t know if I love him then maybe I don’t.” If I didn’t love him why was I so miserable? My body ached from exhaustion, my limbs felt heavy, my head pounded with a constant headache. I was a mess.
“How do you feel about him not talking to you?”
“Miserable. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t sleep. I can’t seem to do anything other than be ready for Erin’s next move.”
Hadley smiled. “You’re getting there. How do you feel about never seeing him again as anyone other than a client?”
“Awful.”
“Speaking of which, you need to pass him off to one of us. It’s unethical to date your client.”
“I know.” I hadn’t planned on representing him in court, but I didn’t trust anyone else to handle the investigation or him.
“You can continue doing the research but if it goes to court, one of us will represent him.”
I sighed. “Yeah, okay. That’s probably for the best.”
She raised her brow. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”
If I wanted something different, I needed to fix it. “I need to talk to him.”
“Let me know how it goes.”
Hadley left my office. I closed my eyes, trying to think back on how I felt when I was with him, the easy free fall feeling, the contentment in his arms, the joy of being around Declan. The urge to protect them both from Erin, from anyone who threatened them.
I’d dismissed my feelings for him, the deepening sense of comfort each time we were together, the lightness I felt in his arms, the sense of belonging when it was all three of us. I thought I’d have more time to reconcile my feelings.
Loving and caring for Declan was easy. It didn’t require any thought, but Griffin was harder. I stood at the edge of the cliff, the wind blowing in my hair, the sun beating on my face. Looking down was scary, taking that first step was thrilling.
A chill ran down my spine. I’d been living in this state of sameness ever since Wes betrayed me, not giving anyone the power to affect my mood, my feelings, my life. I held the cards. I dictated those around me, kept them at a distance. I’d wrapped myself in this cocoon. No one could unravel it but me. I needed to break out of my comfort zone. I needed to take a risk. If not, I’d never know what could have been.
I clicked over to the email that came in this morning from my mom, the one that read like a grocery list of updates. She’d finally convinced Dad to get a checkup, one of their employees wasn’t working out and had to be fired, Everett was living with them, getting into trouble at school.
I had this sudden need to reach out to Mason. To see how he was doing. It couldn’t be easy to be deployed as a single parent, not able to speak to your child or help out when you want to, or when they need you. He was probably reeling with everything. I always assumed we had nothing in common. There were too many years between us to maintain a meaningful relationship. Maybe I was wrong about him too.
I drafted a short email, asking how he was, wishing him well on his deployment. Within a few minutes, he responded. He was thinking of retiring from the Navy. Weird, because he’d never confided in me about anything. It was partly the age gap between us but also the fact my parents sent him away. We’d never connected as brother and sister. More like distant cousins who didn’t keep in touch.
I always thought he was a lifer in the Navy. He loved flying fighter jets and the Navy was the only place he could do it. He said he hoped to connect with his son and he couldn’t do that if he was deployed the majority of the time. He hadn’t wanted to leave Everett with our parents but didn’t have any other choice.
I thought about how that would feel. His child half a world away, not being able to be there for him. I’m sure our parents hadn’t improved over the years, work came first, any disruption to their lives was irritating. I should have offered to help, but I didn’t know Everett. I sent another message indicating that he should do what felt right now that he was a single parent. I added I hoped to see him when he returned, maybe spend some time getting to know Everett.
It wasn’t the time but I wanted to ask why we had never tried to connect before. Was there truly a divide between us or had we both assumed we had nothing in common, the other wouldn’t want or need to hear from us? Or were we at a point in our life where we needed connections? Him to his son and me to Griffin and Declan.
Mason responded indicating that Everett’s school counselor, Mia, was keeping him updated on what was happening at school, and watching his dog, Stark. It struck me I hadn’t even known he owned a dog. We exchanged a few more messages about his worries for Everett getting into trouble while he was gone, how he hated the feeling of being powerless to help when his son needed him. His desire to retire made sense. He was making his son a priority in his life, just like Griffin was making his nephew a priority.
Maybe I’d keep emailing him. He mentioned once it made it harder when he checked in, but things were changing. Maybe we could finally have the relationship we should have had all along.
I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to fix things as easily with Griffin but at least I’d made the first move with Mason.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Griffin
The not knowing was killing me. Would Erin show up on my porch demanding Declan? If so, I was prepared to give her whatever she wanted to make her go away so I’d never have to see her again.
I hadn’t mentioned anything to Declan. I talked to his counselor. She said to wait until Erin made her next move, my job was to protect Declan. I was relieved I didn’t need to tell him unless Erin took us to court. There was no point in telling him his mother showed up only to abandon him a second time. I worried I was delaying the inevitable.
My phone rang, indicating Avery’s office was calling. “Griffin here.”
“She did it.” The voice was familiar but not Avery’s.
“Who is this?”
“Sorry, it’s Hadley Winters. We thought it was best if one of us took over your case, given your relationship with Avery. She’s still working hard in the background, but I’ll handle any court appearances or filings.”