“I don't love her,” I said stubbornly even as my stomach dropped with the force of my own lie.
“Yes, you do!” she cried out with exasperation. “I watched you trap yourself in your work after dad died. You’ve let it swallow you until you turned into this terrifying corporate king in a self-imposed, unfeeling prison. And it broke my heart, Deano. It really did. But this woman, she woke it all up, the good and the bad, the passion, the jealousy, the love, the need…She breathed life into you, Dean. Don’t waste this second chance at living.”
After rubbing my face wearily, I took a sip of my drink.
“Why are you hiding here, Deano? Are you scared that being too close to her in Philly will be an issue? That all it will take is one night in an alcohol daze and you’ll go to her and admit it?”
I glared at her as I walked back to my seat. Ignoring me, she helped herself to a cola bottle from the mini-fridge. Her accusation was partially true, but it was more than that. This manor was the only place that carried memories of her, and the masochist part of me fed on them.
“You’re just too terrified to let her love you too. Tell me why? Don’t you think you deserve to be loved?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
She sighed. “You deserve someone like her, Dean, and she is not mom.”
“It’s not-”
She raised her hand to stop me from talking. “Amber is a hundred percent real, no matter the lies she told you. You can’t just let her in a little bit. It’s all or nothing with women like her.” She rounded the desk and stopped in front of me. “She doesn't accept that she loves you because she doesn't think she’s enough. But she’s exactly what you need, exactly what you want.” She rested her hand over my galloping heart. “Let yourself fall, Dean. Let yourself be vulnerable. Let yourself love and be loved.”
I rested my hand on top of hers. “What if it’s not enough? What if my shortcomings are too great?”
“They aren't.”
“What if they are,” I insisted.
“You’re miserable and she is too. You owe it to her and yourself to at least try. Amber is probably the most forgiving, sweetest, and softest woman I know. If she can’t do it, nobody can. You showed her most of your monster, but she stayed. She managed to fall for you through all the darkness. Show her the greatness, the passion that I know is in you Deano, and she’ll be yours.”
“I’ll think about it. “
She smiled. “You do that,” she announced as if she knew she’d won… And admittedly, she had.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked just as she was about to leave like she came, like an infuriatingly pushy Love fairy.
“Why?” She turned around, resting her back against the door. “Because I want you to be happy, because I think it’s time for the Beaumont men to break the cycle, because I think that’s what you need.” She shrugged. “Take your pick. Also, you’ll totally owe me and have to call your first-born after me.”
I laughed a little at that. Leave it to Lea to find the humor in my fall. “What if it’s a boy?” I asked, playing along.
“Leo is a very nice name.” She wiggled her fingers at me, waving goodbye. “See you soon, brother. Don’t miss this shot.”
And as suddenly as she’d come, she was gone.
I shook my head. Resting my elbows on the desk, I rubbed my face wearily.
I missed Amber, of course, I did, but the guilt of all the things I’d said and done to her weighed on me. If I were her, I would never forgive me.
She is not you Dean, that’s the point. She is everything you’re not. Something to be grateful for.
I growled, looking heavenward. “Please, Ms. Collins, don’t break my newly functioning heart.”
I felt like a fool. I'd been waiting in front of her apartment building for over an hour now. I knew I could enter; the building was mine, but I didn’t feel like doing that, not when I wanted her to trust me.
I ‘d rung a couple of times, while smiling at the camera, trying to show her I was not here to hurt her again, but my calls remained unanswered. I’d thought for a second that maybe she was avoiding me too, but she was not petty my Amber; she didn’t work like that.
I looked up the street and my heart skipped a bit when I saw her turn the corner. She was dressed in quite a simple dress, which stopped just above her knees. It was yellow, so fitting of her luminous nature. She had her hair up in a bun and she was wearing black ballet shoes, showing how endearingly short she was.
She hadn’t noticed me yet, I could watch her at my leisure from the shadow of the porch. She wasn’t even half-way here, but I swear I could smell her. I took a deep breath. How was it that just her scent brought me a sense of peace?
I was truly fucked but weirdly enough, I didn't mind.
When she finally noticed me, her pace faltered. She stood straighter; her neck tensed. I hated that I ‘d put her on her guard. What if Lea was wrong?
“Mr. Beaumont?” She looked around.
I frowned. Why was she looking around?
“Expecting someone?” I asked as I felt a pinch of jealousy at the idea of a suitor being on his way. It would be a shame to have to kill him.
“No, I- I was looking for your car. Have you been waiting long?” She rushed up the stairs and gestured for me to come inside. “I’m sorry. Timmy is at the nursery. The pediatrician said he needed contact with other children to help with his development and-” She looked down at her watch. “She is very experienced, you know. She is a nurse. I mean, he is supposed to be there for another hour, but-”
I rested my hand on her neck to stop her rambling.
She shivered under my touch, her pupils dilating. I was pleased with the way she reacted to me. “It’s fine, Amber. I need to speak to you actually.”
“Oh!” She was so adorable when she was surprised. “Do you want to come up?”
I chuckled. “Yes. I think that would be better unless you want your doorman to hear my declaration of love.”
She dropped her handbag as she turned into a statue.
Crouching down, I grabbed her bag off the floor. She remained frozen. I would have laughed at her shock if I didn’t have my own heart in my throat.
“Amber?” I let my fingers trail down the back of her arm to her elbow.
She jerked back. “Yes, let’s go.”
We walked into the elevator followed by the curious eyes of the doorman. Of course he was protective of her. How could he not be?
“You know, it’s unkind to play with people like that,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself.
How I wished I was the one she sought comfort from.
“Who said I was playing?” I asked taking a side step to stand closer to her.
As soon as the elevator doors opened, she got out. She walked to her apartment silently, almost robotically.
Opening the door, she gestured me in.
“What are you saying?” she asked with uncertainty as she closed the door behind us.
“I miss you. Come home with me.”
She sighed and took a deep breath as she leaned against the door. “I left the manor four weeks ago. You never called, just sent a couple of impersonal emails.”