I looked at her for a couple of seconds as she ate her sandwich.
I shook my head. “Are you always this wise?” I wasn’t sure I liked her argumentation and her ability to make me see things differently.
Wiping her hands on a napkin, she let out a dramatic sigh. “Yes, I am. It’s a cross I have to bear.”
Timmy shrieked, making grabbing motions at the ducks. Then he tapped his little fists on the plastic table inside his stroller.
“Ah, I think he’s had enough of us chatting. He wants the ducks now.” I stood up and started putting our empty plates in the trash can. Grabbing the bag of churros, Lea rested them against her chest. “Dude, I'm finishing these! I’m never allowed carbs and fats at home. Oh, and if you could forget we ate all this when you next see Susan, that would be super.”
“Ate what?” I asked with a wink
She laughed and nodded. “You and I, we’re going to be best friends.”
I hoped so. Lea was an amazing woman, who I knew would be good for Timmy and I.
I got the dry bread out of Timmy’s bag, Timmy shrieked again, wiggling in his seat.
Lea snorted. “Yep, he’s really like Dean. Demanding and impatient.”
I blushed under the sun. Demanding Dean...I’d enjoyed demanding Dean immensely. I'd enjoyed submitting to him even more than I’d thought was possible.
“Wow, girl, not sure why you’re blushing so hard, but I don’t think I want to know. Nope, definitely not.”
She chuckled. I liked how she didn’t judge me despite knowing my sexual preference. Lea Beaumont was a godsend.
“Do you mind?” she asked pointed at the stroller.
“No, please do,” I waved the zip bag. “I’m on bread duties anyway.”
We walked silently for a few minutes along the riverbank before stopping at a small cluster of ducks beside the wooden bridge.
“Are you telling me I need to forgive him?” I asked, our previous conversation still reeling in my mind.
“No, I would never. You should never do anything you don’t truly believe is right for you.”
I threw a few pieces of bread at the ducks, slowly bringing them closer.
“All I’m saying is that just put things into perspective. I just don’t want you to make a wrong judgment of character. Dean is not easy to love, that’s certain, but I suspect that everything he did was out of desperation and self-preservation.”
She looked at me as I threw more bread. I wasn’t sure what I could say.
“But with Dean, never do anything you are not certain you want to do. Part of his fear is also due to our mother’s fickle nature. If you want to forgive him, do, but if you're not certain, then don’t do anything until you are because uncertainty will cause more damage than you think.” The love for her brother was unmistakable in her voice.
“I do care for him,” I admitted. That was an understatement. What I felt for him was much more than care and I was a little ashamed of that fact given all of the humiliation and horror he’d caused.
“I know you do. It’s evident because no matter how infuriating my brother is, he is just as able to bring greatness as he is to bring darkness. He feels very powerfully, my brother, both the good and the bad.”
“He’s forgotten about us.” I finally admitted what I’ve been suspecting. That he’s gone on with his life, that I was just a bleep on his radar, nothing more despite the fact that he’d asked me to stay. What if he had asked again? Would I have stayed?
She let out a humorless laugh. “I suspect it’s quite the contrary, actually. I suspect he’s missing you both.”
I shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but it did. I wanted him to miss me too, to want me too...to regret me too. Stupid, silly, naive girl, the voice in my head taunted, a voice quite similar to the man I hated missing.
Dean Beaumont missing me? I shook my head. That was just a stupid, stupid thought. The man was an island. An island full of bitterness and anger.
But the horror of it all? I longed for that Island.
“Time will tell,” I replied, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach.
She nodded. “I presume it will.”
I wasn’t sure why I’d gone back to the estate. I had no business being here and yet here I was.
Turning in my leather chair, I looked out of the window to the gardens Amber had loved so much. I sighed, looking down at the tumbler of bourbon I was holding.
The house felt so cold, so empty with an ominous sense of loneliness. Not something I’d ever felt here before, but that was before her… Amber, a ray of sunshine pouring through despite the greyness of her life. Despite the pain I’d caused her, she shone through. She didn’t let life or me smother her light and for that I was grateful.
“You look like a poor SOB.”
I rolled my eyes. “Is that the clinical term?” I asked, turning around to look at my sister, secretly grateful that she’d interrupted my thoughts.
“It should be.” She sat down as if she owned the place and, in many ways, she did.
“Still haven’t learned how to knock I see.”
She shrugged. “What can I say, Deano? It’s my rebellious streak.”
I snorted. “You overused that card when you were a teenager.”
She winked. “And you stood up for me when it mattered.”
“How could I not? The fact that my little sister was gay didn’t change who she was or her value in my eyes.” I’d stood by her side and smothered all the criticisms that the well-thinking bigots from our extended circle may have voiced concerning Lea’s sexual preferences.
She was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and a cheap tee-shirt. With her hair up in a high ponytail and her face bare of make-up, she didn’t look her age at all and she certainly didn’t look like the eminent psychiatrist she was. No wonder I’d made the same mistake with Amber; I was used to women looking younger than they were. Are you trying to excuse your actions?
“I saw Amber in Philly.”
I froze, had I just spoken her name out loud? No, of course not. My sister was just that infuriatingly good. Fucking mind ninja. I nodded, intending to change the subject, but at the last second, I found I couldn't help myself. “How is she?”
“You’d know if you visited.”
Here she goes. I cracked my neck and finished my glass in one go. “Don't start, Lea. I’m busy and he’s just a baby.”
“Busy doing what?” She gestured around my office and glaringly empty desk. “Sulking like a five-year-old?” She shook her head. “I never took you for an avoider, Deano. Another issue to add to your list.”
“I’m not avoiding her.”
When she smirked, I realized my slip up. She’s never said I was avoiding her.
I stood up briskly and walked to the bar. “I won't become our father. I won’t be a lovesick fool!”
“There’s nothing wrong with being deeply in love.” She moved to stand on the other side of the bar. “Is that why you were a monster to her? Because you knew she had the potential to break you? Well let me tell you the truth, brother, she already did - with her gentleness and her heart, she did it. She unraveled you and you were too stupid to see it.”