Fuck. Hamilton was so good at dirty talk. It was ridiculous how easily his words had my pussy weeping for him. I wiggled in my seat, making a satisfactory smile break out on his face. “No panties, hmm?” I asked as we drove down the road toward his townhouse. The leaves on the trees lining the street were turning a golden hue.
“None. I’ll even wear a suit, if you’d like. Maybe after, we can go to this bar I like? Stay up all night and watch the sun rise.” I dipped my brow. “Actually, we have all day. We should call Jess. Go do something crazy. What if we drove to California? Yeah. We could do that.”
“Whoa. You’re planning a lot. We can’t just go on a random road trip,” I said with a giggle while shifting in my seat to get a better look at Hamilton. Now that I wasn’t riddled with lust, I noticed a slight tic in his jaw. His strong hands were gripping the steering wheel, and his spine was so rigid that it looked uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m okay. I’m better than okay. Do you want to go get ice cream? I really want some ice cream. And maybe some sex. Can I eat you out when we get home?”
Hamilton seemed manic and like he was avoiding something. “Did something happen this morning, Hamilton?” I asked. I was only gone an hour, but he was very fidgety.
He turned onto his street and let out a sigh. “No. Nothing happened.”
“Then why are you acting so…”
“I don’t want to sit still today,” Hamilton murmured softly while parking. Once the car was off, he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel and breathed in deeply.
“Why not?” I asked before reaching out to massage his neck.
“Because when I sit still, I think. And when I think, I see her face.”
“Who?”
Hamilton sat up and stared at his hands for a long moment. “It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. I just need to do something or—”
I quickly unbuckled and reached across to hold him. Hamilton trembled a bit, and I felt his pain like it was my own. Hamilton was usually so cocky, mischievous, and playful. He walked around like he owned the world. Nothing could tear him down.
But not right now. Right now, he was like a shattered piece of glass, the shards cutting at my skin with painful clarity. I hated this for him.
“I saw her that day. I was the one that found her, you know,” he whispered. “I just don’t want to see her, Vera.”
“I know,” I replied while stroking his back. But honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what the right thing to say in this moment was. I was at a loss. Hamilton needed help right now, but I didn’t know how to give it to him.
A knock on the window made me pull away, and Jess stood there with a forced grin. She was decked out in black armor, with goggles pushed up on top of her head. Strapped to her thigh was a paintball gun. Hamilton wiped his eyes and rolled the window down. “Hey there, asshole. We’re going paintballing. I also found a monster of a hike to go on. Then rock climbing. Racquetball at the gym. I’ve got every minute planned for the next twenty-four hours, so you better suit up so I can kick your ass.” Jess turned to look at me and winked. “I know we usually go to the strip club and get baked on the day we shall not name, but I’m thinking Vera can’t handle that. Infinity will stab me in the clit if I go.”
Hamilton let out an exhale, and the tension seemed to escape his shoulders. “Fuck yeah,” Hamilton exclaimed. “That sounds like an epic day. I did promise Vera I’d take her to dinner though.”
Jess arched a brow. “Oh? Where to?”
Hamilton swallowed and looked out the windshield, avoiding both of our gazes. “Romero’s Italian Restaurant.”
Jess went quiet. “Your mom’s favorite place,” she murmured. “You sure? You want me to go too?”
Hamilton reached out to grab my hand. “Nah. I think this will be really good.”
An awkward silence settled over the three of us for a few seconds, but Hamilton ended it with a clap of his hands. “I better go get my gear then, huh? Winner has to buy drinks later.” Jess whooped. I felt like I had whiplash. How could Hamilton go from falling apart to talking about paintball so quickly? We got out of the car, and Hamilton ran up to the front door. “Be right back.”
I stood on the sidewalk next to Jess, a million questions running through my mind. “Every year on the anniversary of her death, Hamilton gets antsy. Sometimes it can be a tad destructive, but most of the time you just have to plan out the entire day with him. He’s like a toddler. You have to wear him out so he won’t think about shit,” Jess explained casually, though her stance was anything but.
I nodded. Jess had been doing this for him every year? “The fact that he wants to take you to Romero’s is a big deal, Vera. He hasn’t eaten there since…”
I turned to face Jess. “Do you think keeping him busy until he passes out every year is healthy? He seemed manic almost…”
She scowled. “I think you don’t get to tell people how to handle their trauma. If my best friend wants to do crazy shit all day to feel better, then I’m going to do it.” I nodded. It wasn’t my place to tell them how to handle this. They’d been doing this for years. Jess cared about Hamilton, and I knew she wouldn’t do anything that was harmful to him. She was blunt to the point of painful. Running from a conversation or an issue wasn’t her thing, so if she was willing to go to these lengths to help him avoid shit, then it must be serious.
“You’re right. So how can I help?”
Her brows shot up. “No offense, but you don’t look like the type to do extreme sports. Did you hear what I said? Rock climbing. Hiking. Paintball. And that’s just half of it. I usually need a week after to recover. He does one thing, then runs off to the next. It’s exhausting.”
“Do you not want me to come?” I asked.
Jess paused. “What? No. I’m just saying that you’ll probably hate it. I’ve been doing this for him every year since I found out. Hamilton hurts himself if I don’t. One time I was busy with work, and he drank himself stupid—nearly wrecked his car. I’m always there for him when he gets like this. His family doesn’t give a shit. They never give a shit. He sometimes would wake up screaming from a nightmare… And yeah, maybe avoiding everything isn’t the healthiest way to handle it, but I care about him and—”
I wrapped Jess in a large hug. I don’t even think she realized how her voice trembled. “You’re a good friend, Jess,” I murmured to her. She melted into my hug and some of the gruff determination she’d been carrying seemed to fade. “He’s lucky to have you.”
She sniffled and pulled away. “He’s just always been there for me. When my parents kicked me out, he was the one that helped me. I have one day in the year where he lets me return the favor. And I’m damn good at my one day, too. He doesn’t ever let me do shit for him. He doesn’t talk about his feelings. He doesn’t open up. But this is something I can do.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, Jess. Have you ever considered that just being you helps him? You’re best friends. He loves you, Jess.”