I wondered if that was his way of letting me know he needed to be alone. I rolled over and pulled out my phone, taking the time to reach out to my landlord back in New York and to Bryanna who had sent another three texts overnight. I breathed a sigh of relief as I looked at the pictures she had sent me. Lulu was such a snuggle bug. Damn, I missed that cat. If she had been here, it would have been just perfect.
Hey, Bry! So sorry girl, I haven’t been ignoring you…just busy.
The little text bubble appeared immediately.
Where the hell have you been? Why aren’t you telling me what’s going on? I’ve been so worried about you!
Shit. She was right. I needed to tell her. So, while Matt was in the shower, I texted her a condensed version of how and why I was back in Maple Cove.
Carly, you know I love you but girl…this will not end well. Matt is going through an awful experience and honestly, I hate to say this, but I think he might be using you. When it’s all said and done he will go back to his life and you will have been nothing more than a coping mechanism for him! Are you really going to be okay with that?
Bryanna’s words had an impact on me. She’d seen me at my worst so many times. I had to at least consider the possibility that she might be right. I thanked her and promised that I’d call her after the funeral. By then I should have a better idea of where this was all going.
My heart felt heavy as I mulled over her words. Was she right? It certainly didn’t feel that way, but then again, I had been wrong so many times before…
It took a few minutes for it all to sink in before I was able to shake off my indecision for good. What was I thinking? Must be the “infatuated with Matt” brain talking. New York was my home. Maple Cove was temporary. And Matt was…well, Matt. I couldn’t deny my feelings for him, but it also wasn’t the time to dwell on them, either.
I pushed all thoughts of the future from my mind and numbed my emotions by scrolling through the gram instead. Insta was always my go-to for art, catching up with friends, and generally just a feel-good moment or two. I caught sight of my favourite tattooist’s page as one of his artworks scrolled across my feed. A beautiful tattooed cat. Black and white with flower and foliage in colour running across his body. Gorgeous. I needed that. Typically, I liked to design my own tattoos, but this one fit me so perfectly that it might as well have been custom made for me. I sent him a quick DM asking for an appointment next month. I’d be home by then for sure and it would be the perfect time to get an homage to Lulu inked on my arm. Or maybe on my leg? I’d have to think about the perfect spot. But either way, having a reason to look forward to being in the city felt grounding and safe.
To keep myself busy, I rolled myself out of bed and began organizing my clothes for the day and packing the rest away. It was funeral day and I needed something to reflect it. Although subdued wasn’t my typical look, I felt the need to dress respectfully. In just the one evening I had spent with Matt’s mom, I had understood that she valued the simple things. So, I dressed for her. A simple black maxi dress and a cream coloured denim jacket.
Putting my clothes out on the bed, I stood staring at them and realizing that this could very well be the last day I spent with Matt. Confusion flooded my brain as I held fast and pushed my emotions back down again.
I was so far inside my head that I didn’t even notice Matt come out of the shower until he cleared his throat for the second time. Turning my head at the sound, my eyes met his and once again, I felt myself frozen in place. Standing in his towel, water dripping off his hardened muscles, he looked like a Greek god. Adrenaline coursed through my body at light speed, making me feel dizzy in an instant.
“Come here, angel.” He opened his arms as he stepped up and, towering above me, pulled me in and engulfed me in his presence. He was all warm and fresh from the shower and it made my mind drift to all the dirty things I wanted to do with him.
“Last night was amazing.” He whispered into my hair. “Today is a rough day, but make no mistake, I will be inside of you before this week is done. You are my peace.”
Swallowing down the lump that had suddenly appeared, I leaned back and looked up at him. “Just don’t use me to make yourself feel better, Matt. I might not survive it.” I pulled away and walked into the bathroom as tears smarted my eyes. Quickly locking the door, I turned on the showerhead to muffle the sounds of the waterfall that was welling up inside me.
Part of me wondered if he’d try and unlock the door. But he didn’t. Feelings of confusion confounded me. Why was I being so needy? Were we friends? Lovers? More? I didn’t know, but I did know that this fake relationship was going to come to an end very soon. Despite the fact that I was, without a doubt, falling deeper and deeper each minute in love with Matthew Harris.
***
Matt, Dave, and I were the first to arrive at the church. As we stepped out of the car, I took a moment to breathe deeply and exhale slowly. A little yogic breathing to calm the speed of my pulse was going to be very beneficial on a day like this.
It was an old church that dated back to the 17th century. And although it had been through a fire or two and a multitude of renovations, it was as beautiful as ever. Each stone had been laid painstakingly, one upon the other, with incredible precision for a job that was obviously done by hand and not machinery. The stained-glass medallion in the center above the bright red front doors reflected the sunlight across the grass in front of the church. A tall steeple on the right was flanked by a smaller, half-finished one on left. But the best and most magical part was the silver bell at very top of the right steeple. It’s sound would typically ring happily across the town every Sunday morning. Except we weren’t there for Sunday morning mass. No, this morning, it rang a sorrowful sound, a sound that signified the circle of life. I wondered if it sounded the same when it rang for my dad. I wish I would have known for sure.
I held Matt’s hand as he spoke with the priest in hushed whispers. My mind barely followed their conversation. “Maybe you want to speak alone?” I offered quietly.
But Matt just shook his head and kept my hand held fast in his. Finally, we took our seats in the front pew and waited as the townsfolk, friends, and family piled in to the church. I could feel eyes boring through the back of my head as I sat there. Everything inside me wanted to turn around and face the madness. I could feel it brewing hotter and hotter, the explosion bubbling just under the surface. My heart began to race as I imagined everyone whispering behind us.
And that’s when I heard it. “Carly? Carly? Seriously, is that you?” I would have known Chad’s voice anywhere, even if I hadn’t just heard it a few days ago. That deep timbre that was once a source of love and comfort now resonated inside my skull with anger.
I had no choice but to turn my head, but before I did, Matt caught my eye and whispered “We’re in this together, okay?”
I wasn’t sure if that referred to him wanting to maintain our relationship status for Dave or something more. God, I hoped it was more…