He got a whiff of more than her shampoo and clean cotton scent. He got the essence of her—something sweet with a hint of cinnamon spice. Her toned legs were smooth, long, and it took everything he had to keep his hands to himself. Because he just wanted that contact so badly—to bridge the massive, Arctic gap.
And if I hadn’t been so nasty, she might be talking to me right now.
So, fix it.
“Even if it’s not your music, are you at least having fun doing it?”
She didn’t answer, and he could see she was deciding whether she wanted to talk to him or tell him to fuck off.
But he’d gained an opening, and he wasn’t about to let it close. It was time to get real. With a fingernail, he scratched at the stitching on the seat’s upholstery. “When I saw you last night, it shocked the hell out of me. I was happy, but then I saw your expression, and…I didn’t react well.”
Her body relaxed the slightest bit. “I haven’t been very nice.”
“Do you think we can start over? I’ve missed you, Gigi. All these years, all the people I’ve met…” He swallowed. “It’s never been the way it was with you. Not even close. I ruined us—I own that—and it’s up to me to fix it, but I need you to give me a chance to make things right. Will you let me do that?”
“I don’t know that you can make anything right, but…there’s no point in us being so awful to each other.”
Relief slammed him. “I’m sorry I made fun of you for being a Lollipop. If I could kick my own ass, I would. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m actually impressed by what you’ve accomplished.”
He saw the moment she decided to let down her guard. “There are moments when I’ve loved it, but…” She drew in a breath and finally looked at him, the anger, the indecision cleared from her expression. “At first, I was insulted. I was nineteen, in my sophomore year at USC. I went to a karaoke bar with a bunch of friends, and I couldn’t pick a song because they were all so lame, so I just started singing one of my songs. Afterwards, this really smart-looking woman came up to me and said she loved my voice and stage presence. And it was that moment of, Oh, my God, I’m being discovered right here and now at Billy’s Bar and Grill.”
“I’m not surprised you were discovered. You’ve got a powerful voice.”
She tilted her head. Meh. “But then she explained what she was doing—putting this girl band together—and my immediate reaction was, No way. It just felt like such a slap in the face.” She played with the frayed threads of her shorts. “I didn’t contact her for a few weeks. I talked to my parents and my sisters, my professors…I just needed advice, you know? And pretty much everyone said I’d be crazy to pass up the opportunity. Whatever I thought of a manufactured girl band, it would provide a platform that would take me years to build on my own.”
“That makes sense.”
“But I think…and I’m not trying to make you feel bad right now, because if you want to have a real conversation, this is the truth.” She waited for his response.
“I want real.”
She nodded. “I think, after the night you kissed Ashton, I stopped trusting my own instincts. So, I’ve found myself going along with other people’s advice.” She twined a thread around her finger so tightly her skin went white. “I think I lost a part of myself when I signed that contract, because I’m not me anymore. I sing the words they write, wear the costumes they give me, and do the routines they choreograph for me on stage.”
She’d moved on as though the first sentence hadn’t carried any weight, but it had crushed him.
And he was stuck, hearing it on repeat.
I stopped trusting my own instincts.
And, then, the worst thing of all, I lost a part of myself.
He’d done that, carved out a piece of this vibrant, smart, independent, sexy, wildly talented woman. He’d known he’d hurt her, of course—he would never forget her expression that night—but he hadn’t known the extent of the damage he’d caused.
Gutted, he couldn’t say a word. He’d had this cocky notion that he could help her heal, but that was before he’d learned he’d fractured her sense of self.
“But…” Her whole demeanor changed, her vulnerability gone. “The good news is, once we turn in this last album, the world’s my oyster.”
She’d mistaken his silence for disinterest. And that was unacceptable. He didn’t know how to heal her, but he had to start somewhere. “I’m sorry.”
“What? No, I have a lot of options. And I have enough money that I can take some time to figure out—”
“For hurting you.”
“Oh.” Her legs shifted, and she glanced down at her finger. She must’ve noticed she’d cut off the circulation, because she unwound the thread.
“I should’ve told you long before now.” He touched her chin, and she jerked. “But I never slept with Ashton.”
She got riled up again, whispering harshly, “Fuck you, Cassian.” She shot a look to the driver, but he was still listening to the music. “Don’t you dare lie to me. I saw you go up the stairs with her.”
“You know what I did when I got to the top of the stairs? I turned around and watched you leave the party. Then, I told Ashton I had to go home. Didn’t she tell you?”
“She said she was sorry, that she was drunk, she didn’t mean it… but I saw her. She meant it. And there’s no doubt in my mind she’d have slept with you if you’d wanted.”
“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t want to. I swear.”
She held his gaze, her expression fraught with uncertainty. “What difference does it make? Whether you had sex with her or not, you wanted to hurt me…and you did.”
The pain in her voice tore him to shreds. “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for doing it.”
“Why, Cassian? Why did you do it?”
He’d played out this conversation countless times in his head. Over the years, he’d wanted to write a letter, an email, a text, but he’d never followed through. There wasn’t a damn thing he could say to make it better.
But she asked, and so he’d answer. “I did it to push you away.”
“Ha. Well, you always were an over-achiever.”
It hadn’t taken long to leave the city limits. Cornfields surrounded them on either side of the two-lane road. He had one shot. He had to get it right. “You remember that afternoon your dad caught us in the treehouse?”
“I knew it.” Her hand slapped the seat between them. “What did he say to you?”
“He came over to my uncle’s that night. I was shitting my pants, because your dad…I mean, he’d given me so much, and I thought he was done with me.”
“Done with you for what? For being my friend? We hadn’t done anything. We were just friends.” She let out a huff. “What did he say?”
“That he’d do whatever it took to get me recruited, drafted, the whole nine yards.”
“If you stayed away from me.” She tipped her head back. “I knew it. You changed after that. I knew he’d said something. Why didn’t you tell me?”