"It's too dangerous..."
"Daphne, he just said that the only thing you shouldn't do is touch the rope. That's it."
"I didn't hear him say that. I wasn't listening."
"Why weren't you listening?"
"I don't know, I'm freaking out. I made a mess of everything. I need to apologize to Rob before I die."
"Die? What are you talking about? It's not dangerous."
"Everything okay, Momma Bear?" Kristen asked.
"No. I'm just going to meet you guys back at the hotel, okay?"
"Daphne, we're all supposed to be doing this together. How about you go first and get it over with?" Kristen looked over her shoulder. Layla was already getting strapped in. "Daphne's going to go first."
"Oh good," Layla said with a laugh. "Geez, I'm so nervous. After you," she said and gestured to the edge of the platform.
Hell no. "No, I mean, I seriously can't do this."
"Okay." Alina put her hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to do it. We can just go back to the hotel."
I put my face in my hand. "No, I don't want to ruin your day. Just go. Have fun. I'll catch you guys later."
"If you're upset about Rob, we can go find him after," Kristen said. "We'll all help you apologize. He'll understand. Besides, I want to see James again."
I wanted to laugh at her comment, but I felt paralyzed with fear. I was starting to feel all sweaty. "You weren't there. You didn't see how upset Rob was. I said some awful things."
"Who's next?" the instructor asked.
"Daphne, I really think you should try it," Alina said. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
Alina was supposed to understand the most. She had grown up with Derek too. She was there when I got the phone call. There was everything to be afraid of. "I can't." I turned around and started to climb down the platform. None of them came after me. As soon as my feet hit the safe ground I took off running.
And I kept running until I reached the hotel and found Rob sitting with his friends by the same pool from yesterday. I took a deep breath and pushed the doors open and walked toward him determinedly. Until he looked up at me from the pool chair he was sitting on. We locked eyes and I immediately froze.
I was falling apart and none of my friends understood. I had a feeling Rob would. I knew our situations were different and it was wrong for me to assume they were the same. I still felt like he'd understand what I was feeling, though. The pain. The fear. But I had pushed him away. I didn't have anything to say. Nothing would take back everything that had already come out of my mouth.
He lowered his eyebrows slightly as he stared back at me. I couldn't tell if he looked angry or if he was just judging me on my horrendous appearance. I had just run a few miles through the rainforest. I was sweaty and my hair was a mess. Half the time I had been running I had been crying, so my eyes were probably red. I'm a lunatic. There was no way he wasn't thinking the same thing about me.
I needed to stop standing there like an idiot. He had asked me to leave him alone. I wasn't Kristen. I wasn't a stalker. I turned around and started walking back toward the doors.
God damn it. I had to apologize. Why was I such a coward? I shook my head and turned around. Part of me hoped that Rob would be running toward me. But this wasn't a romantic comedy. And Rob certainly wasn't in love with me. Instead, Rob was just sitting there still staring at me like I was the weirdest person he had ever had the displeasure of meeting.
Right. He doesn't need my apology. He doesn't want to talk to me. I swallowed hard. Again I was standing there awkwardly staring at him.
He slowly stood up from his chair.
I didn't want him to talk to me because he thought I was a pathetic crazy person. I wanted to remember him looking at me like he desired me. Maybe I could just forget all about this stupid vacation.
When he started walking toward me, I turned around and pushed through the doors. I didn't need his sympathy. I was fine. I'm going to be fine, right?
I quickly walked toward the elevators.
"Daphne Hughes?"
I turned around. Javier was smiling at me from the front desk. I was angry with myself, but I had always found it easy to push all that anger toward someone else. And Javier was the most unhelpful concierge I had ever met, forcing me to wear these stupid bracelets. If I hadn't been wearing them, Rob and I never would have interacted in the first place. It was his fault that I felt like shit right now.
"Yes? Have you decided to let me remove my bracelets?"
He smiled. "No. More than one again today, though, huh? You really must be enjoying the game."
"Not really," I said under my breath.
He kept his smile planted on his face. "I have a letter for you."
No one knew I was here. Not even my parents, because Kristen hadn't told me where it was we were going. "I think you have the wrong person."
"Is your name not Daphne Hughes?" He probably wasn't trying to be sassy, but in my embarrassed, angry state he sounded like the sassiest human being alive.
"No, it is." I walked over to the desk. "Who's it from?"
"Another patron of the Blue Parrot Resort." He handed me an envelope. "Good day to you, ma'am." He was right to get rid of me as soon as possible before I completely lost it.
I looked down at the envelope. It only had my name on it. "Thanks," I mumbled and walked back to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed behind me, I opened up the envelope. I didn't recognize the handwriting, and it wasn't signed. It had to be from Rob. I stared down at the words:
You're not wrong about me. You have a right to judge me.
I folded it before I got a chance to read the rest. He was apologizing? He had said some terribly rude things to me, but I didn't feel like I needed an apology. He was right. He was right about everything.
I stepped off the elevator and unlocked the door to our room. I tossed the letter onto the bed and sat down Indian style on the comforter. He wasn't the one that should be apologizing, I was. I unfolded the letter and placed it on top of my legs.
You're not wrong about me. You have a right to judge me. Because I used to be an addict, it means I am an addict. I know that's how it works. But I no longer need to numb my pain. For three years, I've been in complete control. I moved, I cut ties to toxic people in my life, I started teaching, I met the love of my life, and I became whole. To say that I'm different now is an understatement. My fiancée has changed me for the better. But to say I couldn't go back to what I was would be a lie. If I lost her, I would need to numb the pain. So yes, I am an addict. I understand why that would push someone away.
But I don't see why my shortcomings have to affect my brother. Rob isn't me. He finds joy in living, not from filling his body with chemicals. He's smart, funny, and kind. He defends me when I clearly don't deserve defending. And he looks at you in a way I haven't seen him look at someone before.
I'm at peace with my past. I have to be in order to move forward. So judge me all you like. I can handle it. It's my burden. Don't place that burden on my brother. I've already put him through enough. I'd hate to know I'd messed up his life any more than I already have.