I thought I was upset with Rob. But I wasn't. If he had a threesome before we met, what did it matter? He wasn't with me. He didn't know me. I wasn't upset with him. I was upset with myself.
He couldn't teach me how to live. I had to teach myself. I stood up and wiped my eyes. And I was going to start by zip lining. I couldn't live my life being scared of dying. I wouldn't give Derek the satisfaction of taking that away from me when it felt like he had taken everything else from me.
I wanted to be reckless. I wanted to live. Damn it. I was so mad at him for leaving me. I was so mad at him for giving up on life. I touched my wrist, trailing my fingers down to my bracelet. But there was only one bracelet, the one from the resort. Where's my bracelet? I stared down at the forest ground. Leaves covered the path, but there was no metallic glint anywhere.
"No." No, no, no! I stopped and looked at the trail behind me. I needed my bracelet.
My tears started up again as I began to backtrack. Where is it? When had I last noticed I had it? Maybe this morning. Maybe last night? It suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to find it. It was all I had left. But everything was blurry with my tears. I couldn't look for it like this. I sat down, not caring at all about the squish my butt made on the muddy ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and let myself cry.
I couldn't live like this. I didn't want to hold onto the past. But how was I supposed to embrace a future without him? I was so sick of being alone. I didn't want to push anyone away. But it was all I knew. I had never felt so alone. Why did Derek leave me? Didn't he know that I needed him? Had I told him that? Now he'd never know.
Guilt washed over me as I sat there crying. I wasn't mad at Rob and I wasn't mad at Derek either. I was the responsible one, so how had I let Derek's problems slip through my fingers? My whole life I had lived in fear. I never took risks because I was scared. That was why my friends called me Momma Bear. Maybe it had gotten worse since Derek's death, but I was always like this. I was always scared to take chances. I was pathetic.
"Daphne?"
The familiar voice made me lift my head. Rob. Seeing him made me start to cry even harder. I still hadn't apologized to him. And now I owed him an even bigger apology for what happened during lunch.
He knelt down in the muddy ground and put his arms around me. He was breathing heavily like he had run all the way here. I didn't hesitate to rest the side of my face against his chest as he pulled me onto his lap. He smelled like sweat and the waterfall he had bathed in.
"It's okay, Daphne." He ran his hand comfortingly up and down my back. "It's okay."
"No," I grumbled into his chest.
"Talk to me." His voice was so soothing.
"I lost it. I can't find it anywhere. It's all I have left and it's gone."
"What did you lose? Tell me and I'll help you find it."
"My sanity," I said with a forced laugh.
He pulled back slightly and put his hand on the side of my face.
I didn't know why he was being so nice to me. But I didn't care. I needed his help. "My bracelet. I think I dropped it on the path. I need it, it's important."
"Okay. I'll go look."
I moved off his lap and watched him walk back where he had come from. I had told him not to follow me. I had asked him to leave me alone. What was he doing here? But I didn't really care why he was here, I just cared that he was. Maybe it was selfish of me, but when I was with him I didn't feel alone. In a few minutes, he came walking back up to me.
"Is this it?" He held up my gold bracelet between his fingers.
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Rob." I wanted to cry all over again.
He sat back down in the mud and held the bracelet toward me. I lifted up my wrist and let him secure it back on. I put my wrist onto my lap and looked down at the bracelet. Derek would have been mad at me for putting so much meaning into this bracelet. He didn't care about material things at all. But it was the last present he had ever given me. I could picture him smiling as he handed me the box on my birthday. It was my most prized possession. It was also the last time I had ever seen him.
"I'm sorry about last night," I said. "I didn't get to apologize earlier. I was projecting my own problems..."
"It's okay." He pulled me onto his lap again.
I looked up at him. His eyes were full of understanding and I wasn't sure why. "It's not okay. But I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I was acting like a crazy person."
He kissed the top of my head and started to run his hand up and down my back again. "I'm sorry too."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. So you had a threesome right before we met? I'm not allowed to be mad about that."
"You're allowed to feel however you feel. It didn't mean anything though. It was just one of those stupid cards. I didn't know I'd be running into you. And if I could take it back, I would. I don't ever want to hurt you. Daphne, I really like you."
"I really like you too."
His smile was so endearing.
I wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks. "I didn't come to your room earlier to have sex with you."
"I kind of figured that." He smiled again. "But I'm glad it happened.
Me too. I shook my head. "But I shouldn't have let it. I'm not really in a place where I can be in a relationship. I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy on my own."
"Have you ever thought that maybe we can find happiness together?"
That's what I wanted. I really, really wanted that with him. I shook my head. "I can't."
"Because of your brother?"
"How do you know about my brother?"
"Alina told me."
I sighed. "She doesn't understand."
"I think she understands more than you give her credit for. But I'd like to hear about him from you."
"There's nothing to tell. He's gone. End of story."
"I know that isn't true. Tell me about him. Tell me what happened."
I looked down at the ground. "I loved him so much." I bit the inside of my cheek. I wasn't going to start crying again. "He was two years older than me. I looked up to him my whole life. He wanted to come here, you know? It was his dream to travel. He had posters of Costa Rica all over his room. And he had been saving up money so he could travel the world. He was so excited about it." This was too hard, talking about the good times. "But he was bad at holding a job. He was in and out of rehab a lot. It's strange, though, he always seemed good to me. He was good at hiding it from me, I guess. I think he was trying to protect me." I shrugged. "But he wasn't fine. He died of an overdose a year and a half ago. Right before my last semester of college."
"I'm sorry."
I shook my head. "And you were right, you know. I talked to him on the phone the night before it happened. He told me he had slipped up, but he said he was good. He promised he was okay. I always believed him. And I believed him then. If I had just looked at the signs, I would have seen it. If I wasn't so blinded by my own opinions of him, he'd still be alive."
"That's not true."