"Because you were basically mine." I gave him a big hug and lifted him slightly off his feet. He always hated when I did that and I was surprised to hear him laugh.
"Maybe I'll stick to being your friend now. You're right, you don't need me to protect you anymore." He patted my back. "Now put me down before I knock you out."
I laughed and released him from my embrace.
"You guys are so weird," Mason said. "Almost ready to go?"
"Yes," James said. "I can't wait to see Penny."
"I so badly want to make fun of you, but I'm pretty eager to see Bee too."
"You're both so whipped," Matt said. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "Look, Rob, I'm sorry about earlier. I just..."
"Don't mention it. You were right, anyway. I am who I am. Daphne clearly wasn't the girl for me." Even if I thought she could have been. I tried to ignore the look James was giving me. Despite what he thought, he wasn't right about everything."
"I know, right? You need someone who's not so uptight. You know, like Penny."
I laughed. "Yeah." But I didn't want Penny. I wanted someone who wanted me. I zipped up my suitcase. And now that I knew what I wanted, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find. If Daphne had asked me to stay, I'd be beside her right now. I'd be showing her what living truly was. But she hadn't. So I didn't want her either. Besides, a girl who thought love was built on patience was looking for a different kind of love than I was. I wanted something terrifying and all consuming not boring. Screw boring.
"Come on." I pulled Matt into a choke hold. "Let's get the fuck out of paradise."
Chapter 35
Daphne
I can do this. It was probably the hundredth time I had chanted those words to myself. But I was still frozen in place.
"Ma'am, the zip lining course is closing for the evening," the instructor said.
I told Rob that I needed to figure out what I wanted on my own. All I knew right now was that I didn't want this. I had never wanted to zip line. Doing this wasn't going to make me happy. So what the hell would?
"Ma'am?"
I shook my head. "Okay," I said quietly.
"You can follow the lighted path back to the resort."
"Thanks." I slowly climbed off the platform. I knew I looked like a homeless person. I was sweaty, covered in mud, and probably still had sex hair. I bit my lip. The last thing I needed to do was think of Rob. I didn't want to picture how defeated he looked. But he was just projecting on me like I had projected on him. He didn't even like me. He was just ready to settle down and I was the first girl he had run into.
Well, that's not true. He had run into two other girls yesterday morning with his penis. It was easy to focus on that. Focusing on all the ways that we were different made it seem like I had made the right decision.
When Derek died, it was like a piece of me had disappeared. I felt cold all the time. My apartment was covered in blankets so that I could easily grab one whenever I felt a chill. But I hadn't felt cold all weekend. Rob had this warm presence. Just his smile made me feel overheated. That didn't mean he could fill the emptiness though. That didn't mean he could fix me. I wouldn't want to put him through that.
But he offered.
I shook my head. I had to do this on my own. Even though it felt like I needed someone to help me, I didn't. That was just me being weak. I had to learn to walk alone because I was alone. I kicked a pebble on the path. The problem was that being alone felt stifling. It was like suffocating on nothingness. Maybe I needed to go to therapy. Maybe I needed someone to talk to about everything. So maybe being alone was bad?
Ugh. I wrapped my arms around myself. I liked Rob because he was the opposite of me. He was charming and carefree and happy. I shook my head. He had said he wasn't happy. He had said he felt stuck. That was how I felt. Like I was stuck, and I didn't know how to move forward. I touched the bracelet that Derek had given me. I wanted to take it off and throw it. But I couldn't let go. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be alone.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around myself. Rob hadn't said anything that would make me think he was a liar. So was he telling the truth when he said he wanted more? Was he really prepared to give up threesomes and one night stands? Did he actually want something serious? I knew that he said he did, but actions were different than words.
I was supposed to be thinking about what I wanted from life, but I couldn't get him out of my head. And the realization was dawning on me that I didn't want to. I wasn't going to stop thinking about him because he made me feel alive again. He made me feel whole. He made me feel like everything could be okay again.
I was so wrong earlier. I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I started to run through the rainforest as fast as I could. Please don't let me be too late. Not again.
***
I banged on Rob's door.
No answer.
"Rob!" I banged on the door again. "Rob, it's Daphne!"
Still no answer.
I waited for another second before getting back onto the elevator. As soon as the doors dinged open, I ran down the hall and opened up the door to my room, completely out of breath. "What time is it?"
"Daphne?" Alina ran over to me and threw her arms around me. "I've been so worried. You've been gone for hours. Where the hell have you been?"
Hours? Shit. "What time is it?" I asked again.
"Almost 7 o'clock."
No. They were leaving around 5. "Do you know if Rob is still here?"
"I thought he was with you. He said he was going to talk to you..."
"Are any of them still here?" I pulled away from Alina's embrace and stared at Layla and Kristen.
Layla shook her head. "I'm pretty sure their jet was leaving at 5 o'clock."
I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my face in my hands. "I'm such an idiot." I was so scared of losing someone that I had willingly let someone go.
"Daphne?" Kristen put her arms around me. "Daphne, what happened?"
"I'm an idiot," I said again.
"Do I need to beat someone up for you? Want me to find James and sexually take advantage of him?"
I laughed. "No." If I had any tears left, I would have started crying. But I was probably dehydrated.
"Momma Bear, tell us what's wrong."
"That's what's wrong!" I pushed Kristen off of me. "I never take any risks. I'm pretty sure I've never not been the designated driver. I don't know how to have fun." I was pacing and I couldn't seem to stop.
Layla tried to hand me a water bottle, but I pushed it away.
"That's not true," Kristen said. "We call you that because you always take care of us. And you're always prepared. We love you for that. You know how to have fun. We always have fun when we're together."
"No I don't! I can't just do whatever I want whenever I want. I need a life of structure and checklists and a set schedule every second or else I think about him!"
"Daphne." Alina's eyes were teary.