"Yes it is. I could have saved him."
"You couldn't have saved him."
"You didn't know him, Rob. You don't know the situation. I could have. It's my fault. I was dumb enough to lose him, just like you said. And this stupid bracelet is all I have left of him."
"You're not dumb for believing him." He pressed my face against his chest. "That just shows how strong your love was."
I closed my eyes. "You know, I can't even remember what his laugh sounded like? It was contagious. Whenever I heard it, I'd laugh too. And now I can't remember it. That's what I miss the most."
He responded by rubbing his hand up and down my back.
"I know that James isn't Derek."
"Daphne, you don't have to apologize. I understand."
I pulled back and looked into his enchanting brown eyes. "I got really depressed after he died. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. But how can you just get over something like that? How can you ever? When I so badly needed someone, he left me too, and it killed me. it just added to this feeling of loss. Like I couldn't hold onto anything. Like I was spiraling into this darkness."
I blinked hard so the tears wouldn't start again. "I actually read under that tree every day to try to escape this feeling." I touched the center of my chest. I didn't know how else to describe it. "I wanted to escape. And when I graduated, I moved to New York, not because I thought it was glamorous like I said earlier. I was running away. It's painful to see my parents. It's painful to see places that remind me of him. And I had this overwhelming feeling of aloneness. There's always people around in the city. I thought maybe I'd feel less alone there. But I don't know, I feel like it makes it worse. I'm so sick of hiding. I'm so sick of feeling broken. And I thought I was okay, but I'm clearly not okay."
I took a deep breath. "I stopped living when he died. I need to figure out how to get my life back. And I have to do that by myself."
"I can teach you how to zip line if that's what you want. I can show you how."
"I don't even know if I actually want to do that. I just need to figure out what I really want. And I need to do that on my own."
"Daphne, you don't need to do it alone. I want to do it with you." He tilted my face up to his. "You're not alone. I'm here."
"I can't get close to anyone, because I'm terrified that they'll leave me. I can't do this."
"I'm not going to leave you."
"Of course you will. Don't make me a promise that you can't keep."
"Daphne, I..."
"Thank you for this weekend, Rob. You have such a big heart. Your brother is lucky to have you."
"Your brother was lucky to have you too."
I winced at his words. If that was true, he'd still be alive. "Maybe we'll run into each other in the city." I moved to get off his lap, but he held me in place.
"I don't want this to be goodbye."
"Rob, I'm not a good fit for you."
"I think you are."
"You're a little like my brother." I smiled. "You live big and fast. And that's not me. You're happy and carefree, and I don't want to pull you down."
"I'm not happy. Actually, I'm not happy at all right now. I feel stuck."
"And I can't fix that."
"Why not? I'm happy when I'm with you. You're happy when you're with me too. I can see it in your eyes. Why are you running from this feeling instead of embracing it? You don't have to run anymore."
"I'm not running, I'm finally embracing my problems. I need to figure out what I want."
"And that's definitely not me?" He looked hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. That wasn't my intention at all.
"I didn't say that."
"You basically did." He sighed. "I'm sorry about your brother, Daphne. I'm sorry that you're hurting. But I don't understand why you can't let me help heal you."
"Thank you for this weekend, Rob," I said again.
He let his hands fall from me. "Okay."
I got up off his lap. I didn't want to leave him sitting in the mud. But I couldn't stay here anymore. I needed to do this for myself. "I don't regret what happened between us."
"Okay," he said again.
But he didn't look okay. He looked upset. "I don't want you to be upset with me."
"I want to be with you and you don't want to be with me. I don't know what you want me to say."
I do want to be with you. I'm just not ready. "I'm sorry," I said instead.
He sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry too. And I hope that you find whatever you're looking for. You deserve to be happy."
"You too. Goodbye, Rob." I held out my hand for him.
He looked down at my hand like it was a foreign object and then back at me. He shook his head, took a step toward me, and grabbed the back of my head. I melted into his touch as his lips brushed softly against mine. That same spark I felt every time we touched went through me. I expected him to keep kissing me, persuading me in a different way. Instead, he immediately released me.
I swallowed hard. He shook his head again and walked away from me without another word. He didn't say goodbye. Derek hadn't said goodbye either. Except I had a chance to go after Rob, whereas Derek was gone forever. But I didn't go after Rob. I just walked toward the zip lining course. Rob needed someone who was full of life. I wasn't a good fit for him. Even if I wanted to be.
Chapter 34
Rob
I pushed through the underbrush, not caring about the twigs scratching my shins. Running always made me feel better. I picked up my pace until it felt like I was flying. This was the best feeling in the world.
I needed to stop lying to myself. Running wasn't the best feeling in the world, fucking was. Being inside Daphne was...stop. I needed to stop. If Daphne didn't want me, I didn't fucking want her either. I wasn't going to pine after some girl I had only known a few days.
The problem was, it didn't feel like I had known her only a few days. I could picture her laying on her blanket with a book in her hand. If I had known how much she was hurting, I would have talked to her. I could have helped her. Worrying about someone was one thing. Losing someone was an entirely different thing. No one should have to feel that alone. But I hadn't talked to her back then. Because I was a coward. And maybe I still was a coward, because I liked her and instead of fighting for her I was literally running in the opposite direction. I wanted to turn around and tell her that I was what she needed. How could she not see that?
I stopped and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. She doesn't want you. I closed my eyes. Why did it feel like I couldn't get enough air? I stood up and kicked a branch that was laying on the path. "Fuck!" I yelled into the silent air. My curse echoed around me. I was alone. I was always alone.
***
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I moved my arm off my eyes and stared at my brother. "No. I don't." I felt the bottom of the bed sag, even though I had just dismissed him. Why did he always fucking do that? I didn't want to talk to him or anyone else. I rolled off the bed.