SALVI
I missed church and lunch last Sunday, what with the fallout of my parents divorce, so there really is no escaping it this week.
Dad came home late last night, alone, also high as a fucking kite. Years ago that would have been normal, but the family had an intervention with him and he’s been clean since. I wonder if this is what Rain is so worried about. I make a point to leave before him so I can try and catch Rain before church.
I try calling, but he doesn’t answer and on the third try Ailee picks up. I make an excuse and say I’ll see him at the church. She says he’s taking a shower, but I can hear him. I interrupted them. Just the thought makes me feel too dirty for church.
Watching as everyone arrives, I hover on the top step, waiting on either Rain or my uncle to get there. Ailee walks up the steps in front of Rain, and she blushes when she sees me and sneaks past, leaving us to talk.
“He was high last night, like too much coke high. You know, the way he used to get,” I tell my cousin softly, not wanting anyone to overhear us. “You said if something was off to tell you first. Well, he divorced my mother, got some teenaged chick knocked up and came home high. I’d say something is off, Rain.”
“I know. Have you seen the girlfriend yet?” Rain asks.
“Not this one, I don’t think. I’m more concerned about the fact he was high. I can’t go through that again.”
“Don’t worry about it, Rat. You need to move out. Go stay at Vick’s from tonight.”
My uncle comes up the stairs and joins us, his hands in his pockets, his white beard matching Rain’s dark one. “Ciao, boys,” he greets us.
“He’s using again,” Rain says to his father before he walks off, leaving me with my uncle.
“You sure?” the old man asks me under his breath. I simply nod my head as more people are arriving. “We’ll take care of it.”
He takes me by the scruff of the neck and effectively leads me into the old building and to a seat next to him. Sandwiched between the old man and Rain, it’s like they are protecting me from something awful.
I’ve been here before and the pipe organ’s ominous soundtrack only makes my unease worse. My family has always kept me safe, not my father or my mother, but my family. God help my poor new brother or sister. I’m afraid they may not be so accepting and protective, and no child will survive the old man alone.
Whispers start to move like a tidal wave from the back of the church to the front, getting closer and closer.
Ailee looks around first and cracks a smile. Rain is next and a deep frown wrinkles his face. When I turn around to see what has everyone talking, the world stops.
How did I miss it? I never connected the dots or even gave it a thought.
But there it is – his smug smile and happy eyes, her delicate hand with glitter-manicured fingernails holding onto his arm. The slight round of her belly is on display, her long hair framing her face screams ‘save me, I’m afraid’.
Chelsey and my father move in slow motion towards the family, and I am shattering inside. When it hurts too much to look, I turn to the front. I can’t believe I was blinded and didn’t see it. The married boyfriend, his age, the divorce – the timing.
You fucking idiot, Rat.
“I’m sorry, Rat,” Rain whispers, leaning so his shoulder touches mine. “I tried to warn you about her.”
I feel betrayed. I have no reason to, but I still feel cheated and robbed.
“It’s fine. We were just friends. Now I guess I’m going to be her stepson, so it’s fine. Don’t say anything else. Please, for the love of God, don’t say anything. He will fucking kill me.”
“I know.” His whisper is an apology.
They sit right behind us. I can smell her flowery perfume and hear her when she whispers to him. Everything about this is hurting me. That’s my brother inside her, and my father is going to destroy her. I’ve seen what happens when he’s done with a woman. Look at my mother, there was nothing left of her.
Nothing the priest says even registers, I don’t hear a word. It’s only her and him, and what he had to do to her to make her pregnant. Bitter bile rides up and down my throat as I fight the sick feeling. As soon as the benediction is over I push past my uncle and bolt out of the church.
I don’t want to see him or her, I’m not staying to talk or chat. I drive straight to Nonna’s house. I’m there even before she is. I open up the door to the smell of food cooking and pour a glass of the wine out on the kitchen counter.
This can’t be real. I am such a fucking fool, that’s why she said we can’t. She knows who I am, she knew all along.
“Ciao, Salvi.” Nonna greets me with a smack to the back of the head when she comes up behind me. “You come to cook today?”
Her broken English makes me smile. She may be a hard old woman, but she loves us, and is still the glue keeping everyone together.
“Si, Nonna. What can I do?” I answer, and kiss her old cheek. Her skin feels super thin and smells of lavender and peppermints.
“Tell me why you run from church? Your father make problems for you again? You no like the lady friend?”
She’s a perceptive old crow, I’ll give her that much.
“All of that, Nonna. But, you don’t worry about it.” She’s too old for this shit.
“He’s my son, it’s my job to worry about him; all of them. All of you fucking boys, you why my hair is white.”
The old lady certainly knows how to cuss.
I help her with the heavy roasting pan she’s pulled out of the oven, and say, “I’m fine. Don’t worry, Zio and Rain have him under control.”
She looks at me skeptically. “You going to be brother at last.”
Her words are both happy and deeply sad. Most of the new babies born now are the next generation. My cousins kids, not grandkids. I can tell it bothers her a little bit.
Ailee walks into the kitchen with Chelsey smiling like nothing is wrong, like my whole life isn’t completely fucked. I can’t keep it in. She smiles when she sees me, like it’s a happy reunion and she missed me. I storm past Ailee and grab Chelsey’s arm, dragging her out of the kitchen and down the passage.
“Rat, what are you doing?” She sounds worried as I pull her further from the family and into my grandmother’s bedroom. A place we were never allowed to enter as children. “What’s wrong with you? I didn’t think you were such close family that you’d be here.”
“Are you serious right now, Chelsey?” I growl at her, my jaw tense as I try to keep a handle on my temper. “You are going to stand in front of me and pretend that you don’t know who I am.”
She looks confused, but I can fake a frown too.
“Rat, I knew you worked with the family, that you were Rain’s family. I guess I just didn’t put it together right. I didn’t know Sal was related to Rain until the day I told him about the baby.”
Maybe she’s not lying, but I don’t care. I am so angry, I’m so torn. “Chelsey, my name is Salvi. Are you trying to say you had no clue the whole time we were doing things together that you didn’t know you were fucking my father?”