Chapter Thirteen
Cooper
From the moment he walked into my sister’s house I knew something had crawled up his ass. Never in a million years could I have guessed it was what he’d heard me say on that damn radio show. But I stood by my admission, and by lobbing the ball in his court, I unleashed that deep desire I had buried for so many weeks… a raw urge that licked inside of me. It grew without warning and wanting to pick up where I had left off consumed me.
Seeing him for the first time in months only made things worse. If possible, he’d gotten better looking. The way he pulled off a basic white dress shirt and charcoal-gray trousers shouldn’t be allowed. And that watch. What the serious fuck? A watch on a man’s wrist was now turning me on?
Ricky always managed to look as though he’d stepped off the pages of a men’s fashion magazine. I had no doubt plenty of women had come on to him over the years, and strangely enough that only made him even hotter.
Clear as fuck, I could envision a connection with him. What form it took was still fuzzy, but the possibilities within reach unexpectedly slammed into my subconscious. If that didn’t prove I was undeniably attracted to this man, nothing would. Ironically, admitting it out loud caused an unexpected calm to swell within me.
Until he shook his head.
Stunned, I merely gawked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he finally said.
The waitress appearing with our meals and asking a few typical questions provided the moment I needed to gather my thoughts. If this was his way of playing hard to get, I’d play. What options did I have? I meant it when I told Dr. Lair that I needed to figure it out, and the only obvious key to the equation was my unexplained attraction toward him.
Once alone, he picked up a fork and began eating as if he hadn’t just thrown a dart at my ego.
Ignoring my pad thai, I cut to the chase and asked, “Why?” The way I uttered that one little word sounded pathetic to my own ears, but for some reason it softened the hardness that had been etched on his handsome face.
He rested his fork on the edge of his plate. “Although I tried with five different relationships, I was only in love one time in my life.”
Love?
“Ricky, I’m not suggesting—”
“Let me finish, Cooper.” My nod prompted him to continue. “Corey and I met freshman year in college, instantly connected, and became great friends. We decided to share an apartment sophomore year. Yes, there was an undeniable attraction I felt toward him, which I tried to desperately ignore. Not surprisingly, it only grew stronger after living with him. But that didn’t matter, because Corey was straight. He proved that much by fucking a different girl every weekend. However, strangely enough, whenever we were alone, he sent me mixed signals—lingering stares, unexpected touches… an unsolicited kiss.”
Ah… I was Corey in Ricky’s eyes.
“In public he acted as if none of that ever happened,” Ricky continued while staring down at the table. “I understood. He wasn’t ready to come out. But since in private he held nothing back, I misread the signs and assumed he needed time. We grew closer and closer. We became intimate. He was the only man I let fuck me. He was the only man I let into my heart. And in the process, I fell in love with Corey.”
When Ricky lifted his eyes back up to mine, I braced myself for the truth that put all that hurt in his expression. Hurt that clearly hadn’t lessened in all the years since his first and only experience with love.
“The shit hit the fan when a few people assumed we were gay. I hadn’t come out publicly yet, but I wasn’t going to lie about myself. Of course he denied it while throwing me under the bus—and in doing so instantly changed my college experience. Eventually, the bigotry he festered in our circle of friends got to me, and after going home that winter break, I transferred to another school and never went back.”
“I’m sorry, Ricky.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “I don’t want your pity. I am the man I am today because of it, and I regret nothing. Lesson learned, and I never hid my sexuality from anyone or for anyone ever again. Corey freed me, to an extent. In a sick, twisted way, I kind of owe him. But another thing I vowed to never do again was allow myself to be used experimentally.”
Which was obviously what he suspected of me.
How could I blame him?
Fuck, no wonder he’d acted the way he had after I kissed him.
“So… to answer your question… that’s why,” he confirmed, as though we’d just discussed the weather and not his first heartbreak.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked, somewhat hesitantly. He stared at me and nodded. “If Corey realized he made a mistake, would you forgive him?” His gaze sliced away as he lifted his fork to resume eating his meal. There was no need for him to respond. The answer was obvious. “You would.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he finally said. “It’s the past.”
Until now, I had naively believed any reluctance between us was on my part. I stupidly believed I had the wheel, and it was my decision to navigate us in a direction to seek clarity or not. Not once during my egotistical meltdown had I ever considered his backstory creating a roadblock toward discovering myself. And because of it, I should’ve walked away and let him be. He was right. I did have serious issues and dragging him into them was narcissistic on every level.
But I couldn’t bring myself to do that.
Clearly, he was who I wanted. And now that I’d made my decision to explore this thing between us, I couldn’t turn back. It hadn’t been a decision that I’d come to lightly. I’d finally opened myself up to figure things out, and I refused to allow the assumption he carried to derail what could happen between us. Neither of us knew what would be, but there was only one way to find out. And the bottom line was I needed him to do that.
How remained the question.
“Ricky.” I waited for his pale-blue eyes to focus on me. “I can’t guarantee one of us won’t get hurt. Christ knows I’ve done my share of hurting others because I wasn’t where they needed me to be. With you, I’d be willing to risk being the one getting hurt if it gave me clarity. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.” When he stared at me like I’d sprouted antlers, I rushed to strengthen my argument. “You yourself said you had no regrets because it made you the man you are today. That’s what I’m searching for. Answers. If we’re both honest with each other going in…” I purposely left my words hanging.
“Going into what?” he prodded, and for the first time that cocky smirk of his made an appearance. “Are you looking for a chess partner? A boyfriend? Or a fuck buddy? You need to be more specific.”
The sarcastic huff of air I released didn’t faze him while he chewed another bite of his cashew chicken, sipped his imported beer, wiped his mouth, and rested his fork.
Jesus H. Christ. Did I need to spell this shit out? Finding answers wasn’t worth giving him the satisfaction that clearly revealed itself in that arrogant expression… one that caused pulses of electricity to spark.
Who was I kidding? Yes it was.