I didn't know what to say, or how to react when Atlas was telling me his story. All I knew was I needed space from him, I needed to be away from all of them.
I look out the window to see that Rhys is still out there. Ignoring him, I fall on the sofa and close my eyes. My mind and soul are fully exhausted.
So many things make sense now, all the times I saw Atlas' eyes, that familiar smell around him. Every question I had about why I was seeing them were answered and I'm so broken about it.
How is this happening to me? I rub my face with my hands, not believing this can happen to me. The doctor said everything would be normal, I would have a healthy life, so why do I have her memories? I wipe the tears away from my eyes as I think about Atlas and his girlfriend.
I was second best for him. He lost the love of his life and got stuck with me because I have her heart, and that's the only reason.
I need to get away from Atlas, I need to think for myself. Her heart has been pulling me into what she wants, but what do I want?
"What do you want?" I place my hand over my heart. "He wants you, not me," I whisper.
I can tell Atlas loved Lucy, his voice broke every time her name was mentioned, but that doesn't justify what he did.
Even knowing why he did it, I don't know if I can live being his number two, live with the fact that he will always love me because of the heart I have.
I've fallen in love with Atlas, but have I fallen in love with Atlas or is Lucy pushing me to love him.
The knock on the door pulls me away from my thoughts of Atlas. Soon as I open it, I go to close it, but Rhys puts his foot in the way.
"I promise I won’t talk, I just want you to have dinner," Rhys says, but I kick his foot out of the way. "Brooklyn, please, just eat food, I will feel better once I know you've eaten."
Letting the door open, I take a step back for him to enter. Rhys walks over to the table, flips the lid of pizza box and takes a seat.
As I walk over, Rhys takes his phone out of his pocket.
"I'll be back soon… trying to get her to eat," Rhys looks at me as I sit on the chair in front of him, he picks up a slice and puts it out for me. "No I promised no talking about anything, I'm eating then leaving." Rhys ends the call and looks at me until I take the pizza from him.
My heart beats faster, and I fight to breathe. Why is this happening? What do you want from me? I zone out from the noises around me and listen for a moment to the beat of my heart, hoping I can figure out what it wants me to do.
"Did you know Lucy?" I ask.
If I ask Atlas questions, he's only going to tell me what he thinks I want to hear, I hope Rhys will tell me something close to the truth.
"I did," he replies and takes a bite from his pizza, and I nod. "He blames himself every day for not stopping them from leaving. Imagine going to sleep with guilt and all the shit that happened to him. It's going to fuck anyone up."
The shit that happened to him should never have happened to anyone. Atlas has been through a lot, I'm not saying he hasn't. Even if he told me all this, would I have reacted differently? Would I have thought he was crazy? I don't know, and I guess I never will. Right now, I don't even know what I feel, is it me or Lucy feeling all this?
"He loves you."
"He loves Lucy, I'm the broken piece he gets." Rhys starts laughing, and I shake my head at him. "You think if I didn't have this heart, he wouldn't want to be with me?"
"Yes. Atlas loves you-"
"No!" I shout. "Rhys, please be honest with me, please."
"I will, but one question." I give him a nod letting him know I will answer it. "The drawings?"
I had an idea they had seen them, not sure how many they saw, but one of my pads is missing so I thought Atlas kept it.
"I had two friends, a heart machine at the hospital, and a pencil. When I needed help, they were there for me. I always loved drawing, and I used to draw every day. What else was I meant to do? I was stuck in hospital for months." I stand up and walk over to my bedroom, and invite him to join me.
"I drew everything, my doctors, the view from the window, places that I wish I could visit if I survived." I tell him as I flick through some of my earlier drawing pads, and let him look through them.
"About a month after my surgery, I had a dream. The first time I saw Atlas' eyes, I felt them everywhere, I closed my eyes, and they were there. I would feel like something was missing, every day I ached because it hurt missing something I didn't even know was there." I sit on the bed, and Rhys sits with me. "When I first saw Atlas, it scared me, confused me, the more I was there, the more things started to feel familiar, images flashed before me." I wipe the tears away from my cheeks, as Rhys continues to look through some of my other pads.
"There was something about Atlas, that I started to fall in love with, I started to finally believe that someone wanted me, wanted me knowing I was broken." I stop for a moment as my sobbing gets out of control, and try to relax my breathing. "But now I know it wasn't for me, it… it was," I start shaking my head, and Rhys wraps his arms around me as the tears take over, my body not able to cope with what is happening at the moment. "I don't think I can believe that he loves me when-"
"Brooklyn," Rhys soothingly says my name, "please calm down, you only came out of the hospital today." Rhys rubs my back, as I continue to cry, I can't think any more, my head is hurting, my body is hurting.
I pull away from Rhys and again wipe my cheeks.
"Get some sleep, take a day or two. You need to talk to me, call me, and I will be here." Rhys takes a pencil and writes his number down for me. "I will do my best to keep Atlas away, but not sure how long that will be." Rhys tells me with a smile trying to lighten the mood in the room. "Mark my words, Atlas brought you to the house because of your heart, but he's fallen in love with you, not Lucy's heart, but you, Brooklyn. You might think it’s untrue, but I'm going back to a man that will be heartbroken." Rhys leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek, and stands. "Get some sleep, rest, and if you want to answer, I will call tomorrow."
Not answering him back, Rhys leaves my apartment, and I'm happy that he's respected me and giving me some space.
My head is spinning at the moment, with how I'm feeling about Atlas and Lucy. Maybe tomorrow after some sleep, I can think with a clear head about what I want, as that is the question I need answering.
There are so many things that can be said about being in pain with confusion. I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know if all these years of fighting for my life were even worth it anymore.
Dreamed of falling in love, dreamed that one day a man would look past the heart problem, look past the scar and love me for me.
I got the man that looked at me like I was his world, but I didn't get the man that loved me for me.
Rhys tried to call me a few times in the last two days, but I let it ring out. I still don't know what I should be saying to him if he asked me about Atlas.
I'm still confused about him, I've tried everything to figure out what I wanted. Do I want to live knowing I'm not the person he truly loves? Can I be with Atlas and live with him still being in love with Lucy? There has been so many more questions than answers for me, and I have no one to talk to.