Declan chuckles, but it’s more of an apprehensive sound. “I don’t envy you there, brother. I just want you to also be honest about it. I know what you’re feeling. I’ve literally been there. All three of us have. We grew up and spent most of our adult lives believing we were unworthy and unlovable. It’s still hard for me some days. I wait for Syd to wake up and be like, nah, he isn’t worth it.”
My brother has always tried to be this statue-like figure in my life. I knew he wasn’t that way. I’ve seen him cry when he thought no one was looking. I also know how much losing Sydney broke him to his core. Even during all of that pain, he never voiced it. Talking was not his strong suit. He liked to pretend that being strong meant he was strong. It was his way of accepting his reality.
Hearing him admit anything to the contrary is a bit unsettling.
“And you think she will?”
“No, but it’s easy to wonder sometimes. For years, we were told what pieces of shit we were. How we didn’t do anything right. We were his literal punching bag both physically and emotionally. The only reason we survived was because we had each other and the girls.”
Devney and Sydney saved the four of us more than they ever knew because, no matter what, they gave us slivers of joy. Going to Sydney’s pond and swimming or riding and caring for the stray animals at Devney’s farm, gave us a reprieve from the pain.
“I don’t know, Dec. I really don’t because, on one hand, I’m pretty sure I’m already fucked. She’s everything I want. She’s perfect for me in every way. The other hand tells me that I’m not good enough for her. I’ll taint her and break her.”
My brother’s hand grips my shoulder. “That is not your hand talking, Jacob. That’s his, and you can’t listen to it. You won’t break her. You won’t taint her. She’s chosen you, but you have to choose her and yourself.”
I already have chosen her. I choose her in every way, but it feels too simple, and that scares me. Loving her shouldn’t be this easy. It should be a struggle, and it’s not. It’s . . . effortless. It’s like drawing a breath without having to tell yourself to do so. It just happens.
“How did you manage feeling this way for Sydney and not fucking lose your mind?”
He laughs. “What makes you think I haven’t? I love that girl beyond reason and all portions of sanity. I would do anything, give up everything, and fight until my last breath for her. It just took me a really long time to understand that meant fighting for her, not against.”
“You’re a lucky man.”
He looks back toward his property and sighs. “I am. And if you let yourself, you’d see that you are too. Now, I’ll get the papers drawn up so you can be the happy owner of this tiny house. Wonder what land you might set it on.”
“As much as I’d love to kick your ass, Dec, I have a hot date tonight and don’t want to mess up my outfit.”
He rolls his eyes and laughs. “You could try, Hollywood, but you’d fail.”
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see about it.”
Declan laughs. “Yeah, when you’re not trying to win over your girl.”
I look down at my watch, wondering if I can squeeze in a quick ass kicking, and think better of it. Date night is way more important.
Chapter Thirty
Jacob
“Where are we going?” Brenna asks for the fifth time as we enter the clearing in the woods.
Everything is set up, and I’m nervous for her to see it. I hope I got it right, but this is a first for me. I’ve never been a romantic guy, that was always Sean. I was more straightforward and sort of prescribed to the idea that it was what it was.
“Just go with it.”
She told me how much she hates surprises, but I’m sort of liking this. Brenna is always in control, and I want her to know she doesn’t have to be all the time. She can let go and let someone else help her.
“I’d like to see you be blindfolded and not let your mind wander and worry you’re being led into the woods to your own death.”
“You watch way too many crime shows. If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn’t let anyone know we were going on a date.”
She turns her head. “Maybe that’s part of your plan.”
“Yes, my big evil plan to make you happy is to bring you into the woods to kill you after letting everyone know you would be with me.”
“It could happen.”
I laugh at her ridiculousness. “I guess it could.” We take a few more steps before I stop her. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“I really hope you like this as the place I might kill you.”
Brenna leans back into my chest and sighs. “Let’s see it.”
I untie the blindfold and then wrap my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder.
Her breath hitches, and I try to see the space through her eyes. There are thousands of candles lit all over. Dozens of illuminated Mason jars hang from the branches, making it look both soft but bright. There are blankets all over the ground and in the center sits a table with flowers and more candles.
“Jacob, this is . . . this is . . .”
“A good place for me to kill you?”
She laughs and then turns in my arms to look at me. “This is incredible and beautiful, so if you want to kill me here, I’m okay with it.”
“It’s you who is killing me, Brenna. Every time I’m around you, I feel a part of the old me die to make room for something new.”
Her fingers lift to my cheek, and she smiles. “From the ashes always comes life. You and I are both burning the past so we can start something new and beautiful.”
“When I came here, I swore I would leave without a single hesitation,” I confess.
“I swore I’d never risk my heart to be broken.”
I move her hair back off her face, needing to touch her and make sure she’s real. “What a pair we are.”
“I think we’re pretty great.”
“You also thought I was bringing you here to kill you,” I tease.
Brenna pushes onto her toes and kisses me. “It would be a great way to go.”
“How about we not die and just have dinner?”
“Sounds good.”
I lead her over to the table where there are two covered dishes. I went out on a limb here because, according to Sebastian, her favorite food is Twizzlers. While that would have been great if we were eleven, it didn’t quite work for what I wanted. I tried to have Ellie do a little digging, but she came up empty.
I remembered how she mentioned one food a few times, and since we’re somewhat close to New York, I called in some favors.
Once she’s seated, I make a very dramatic show of removing the dome to reveal a very fancy version of grilled cheese.
“Oh! Is that from Murray’s?”
I nod. “It sure is.”
“Jacob! You got me a sandwich from Murray’s! This is only the single best grilled cheese I’ve ever had in my life. And it was once. And I . . . you remembered?”
Thank God I pay attention. “You said it was the best, so I had some brought out.”