I promised him that I wouldn’t demand more. I have to keep my word.
Jacob’s eyes never leave mine as they make their way over. My heart is racing, and I wish I could walk to him and kiss him senseless and negate the statement I just made.
“Hey, Mom!”
I break our hold and smile at my son. “Hey, dude.”
“I got a huge fish.”
I shudder. “Great.”
“I’m going to clean up now.” He turns to Jacob. “Thanks for going fishing with me again.”
“Anytime.”
He gives him a hug and then sighs. “I’ll miss you when you leave.”
Jacob clasps his shoulder. “We’re going to be friends for a long time, Sebastian.”
Sebastian runs off, leaving me alone with Jacob. We were planning to sneak away later tonight once the kids were asleep, but now I’m not so sure that’s smart. Today has been a day full of truths I wasn’t prepared for. My mother-in-law telling me that I’ve been pretty stupid was a lot, and it spiraled from there. I found an old shirt of Luke’s, put it on, and sat at the edge of my bed, wondering what I was doing.
Not just why I was wearing the shirt, but why I was doing everything else.
Then I thought about Jacob and how much I care for him. I took the shirt off, looked at it, and wondered if Luke would approve of what I was doing.
I want to think he would, but do I believe that because it’s what I want to believe or because it is the truth?
All of it was weighing so heavily, making it hard to breathe, but then I saw Jacob, and it lifted.
Like the world doesn’t feel so heavy when I’m standing in front of him.
“Hi,” I say a little breathless and uneasy because I’m not sure what to say.
Jacob looks behind me, and then, when he speaks, the weight increases. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
My eyes widen, and I feel as though this is going to be what does me in. I’m going to be crushed in a few minutes. “Do what?”
He sighs. “This. What we’re doing with each other. I can’t do it anymore.”
For a moment, I’m stunned. What the hell happened out there? When we talked this morning, it was him grabbing me and pulling me out of sight so he could kiss me while Sebastian went to get his gear. He was excited about us sneaking off, and now he suddenly can’t do this?
“I don’t understand.”
He rubs his face and starts to pace. “We’re both lying to each other, Brenna.”
“I have never lied to you.”
Jacob’s green eyes are a myriad of emotions that are moving so fast I can’t determine any of them. “No?”
“No.”
“Tell me you don’t feel more than just casual about whatever it is we’re doing. Tell me that your feelings for me are nothing more than friendship.”
I take a step back, and my stomach drops. That would be a lie. I feel so much more. I feel alive and happy, and I want him so much that tears threaten to form. It’s not just want though. It’s more than that. It’s a need that’s bone deep.
My breath comes out in short bursts. “I can’t do that.”
“Neither can I.” Jacob advances on me and settles his hands on my hips.
What I thought was being stunned before pales in comparison to this. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I can’t do this anymore, this casual thing where I pretend that I’m not completely falling for you.”
I close my eyes, trying to keep my breathing normal. Here I am, trained and certified to help people get through situations, and I am lost on this one. Everything that we’ve said from the beginning and all I’ve been trying to deny is right in my face.
“Why? You’re going to leave.”
His finger glides down, tracing my jaw. “Ask me to stay for you.”
I shake my head. “I won’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s one thing to know that someone is leaving and accept the reality of the situation. It’s another to think they’ll stay and then have them leave. That’s why I survived losing Luke.” Jacob’s silence tells me he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “As a military wife, you form this understanding with God and your spouse that, one day, they might not walk back through that door. Hell, you spend months before a deployment planning for that loss. In some part of my heart, I always believed that my time with Luke was finite. What I got was a gift because, at any moment, it could be gone.”
“I’m an actor, not a pilot.”
“I know that. My point is that we had a defined time, Jacob. We had months to be whatever it was we wanted to be. I did my best to accept that. I have been trying to mentally prepare for you to leave. I’m falling for you—no, I’ve already fallen for you, but that was okay for me because you were leaving.”
He releases a sigh. “So, you don’t want to ask me to stay?”
“No, I don’t because if you leave, then what?”
I’m also not stupid enough to ask a question I don’t want the answer to.
“The answer might surprise you.”
It also might not.
My hands rest on his shoulders, and I move to cup his face. “Then surprise me in a few months. Don’t make me ask. If your feelings for me are strong enough, then . . . then stay for me.”
He gives me a kiss, it’s soft and sweet and filled with a sense of new beginnings. “I’m going to be really bad at this,” he warns me.
“What?”
“Being more. I’ve never had a relationship that wasn’t built on the fact that it would never be anything else.”
As much as I hate to admit this, I remember Sebastian talking about an actress Jacob dated early in his career. “What about that one actress?”
“I was twenty. That wasn’t a relationship. It wasn’t real either. I don’t know how to be more, Brenna, but I really want you to show me.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Brenna
Okay. I’m fine. This is not a big deal. Jacob has had dinner at the house and has been with the kids a bunch of times. I’m not freaking out.
I’m totally freaking out.
Jacob is coming for dinner tonight, and we’re planning to tell the kids we’re officially dating. Yeah, I’m a damn mess.
I’m standing in the kitchen, stirring the sauce, and trying to go over possible scenarios. This is the advice I would give, so I’m going to take it myself.
They could freak out like Sylvia did, but I don’t think that is the likely outcome. I think they’re going to be happy and excited, which if this relationship falls apart, would be a loss for my kids too.
And that’s the crux of my fear.
“Mom!” Melanie yells, causing me to drop the wooden spoon into the pot.
“Shit.”
She laughs. “I called you like five times.”
“Sorry, my mind is elsewhere.” I grab the very end of the spoon and toss it into the sink. When I turn to her, she’s staring at me. “What? Do I have something on my face?”