Again with the silence.
“That’s it then?”
“It’s reality, right? It’s the way it is. I’m going to move forward like I always have.”
I nod slowly, tongue to the back of my teeth, completely floored by how easy that was for her. I’m over here, agonizing over having to do this, and she’s just . . . done.
“I see. You’re moving forward . . . right.”
Tears fall down her cheeks. “You were supposed to be different. We were supposed to be different.”
I laugh once. “You’re punishing me because of him. You’re acting as though this is what I’m always going to do, and you’re going to throw away what we have because of it.”
“I’m not throwing anything away, Jacob. I’m not leaving. I’m dealing with the situation, and while you go to work, like you have to, I’ll be keeping my kids and myself from feeling the disappointment.”
“I was fucking wrecked at the idea of coming here and telling you that this might happen. Not because I thought you’d compare me to Luke but because the mere idea of disappointing you and Sebastian was too much. But I see it now, Brenna. It doesn’t matter what I say or how hard I try, I will always live in his shadow.”
She doesn’t love me. If she did, maybe she’d see that I’m doing the best I can. That I have made every effort to do right by her.
Brenna lets out a long breath, and a new wave of tears fall. “That’s not fair. You show up here, drop this on me, and want me to be all, sure, honey, go to work, I’ll handle it all. Knowing everything you know about my past, about the day Luke died, did you think this wouldn’t hurt?”
“Believe me, I knew this would hurt you and I was in agony over it. What I didn’t expect is this. You to compare me to him. I told you this was my reality, and you said we’d work it out, that as long as we talked, we could get through anything. And here we are, my first fucking misstep and you shut me out. That’s what hurts.”
I wait for her to tell me that we can. That she loves me. That we’ll find a way once I get back, but instead, her lower lip trembles and she straightens her back. “You should go, you have a flight to catch.”
She turns her back and walks to the door. I hate myself for standing here. Of all the things that just happened, this is what I know I’ll regret most—watching her walk away.
When she gets to the door, she pauses. “I’ll never regret loving you.”
That single statement angers me more than any other word we’ve said to each other in the last five minutes. I make my way up to where she is, hurt and frustration rolling through me. “You’ll regret all of this when I’m back here tomorrow and you see that you could’ve been understanding instead of destroying us.”
Then I leave because there’s nothing to stay for anymore.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Brenna
I lean against the door, fighting every urge to run back out there and tell him I was stupid. I did exactly what he said, I’m using my past issues with Luke against him, and it’s not fair.
But his taillights are long gone and there’s something deep inside me that tells me not to ignore what I’m feeling.
Melanie comes in the room. “Are you crying? Is everything okay?”
I shake my head and attempt to smile. “It’s fine. Jacob has to leave for California, and it just . . . took me by surprise.”
“Is he going to miss tomorrow?”
I shrug. “He’s going to try to make it back.”
She walks over and gives me a big hug. “Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
“I messed up, Mel. I made him feel worse because I . . . I just couldn’t stop myself from going in the past.”
Her hand rubs up and down my back. “You were upset. Go talk to him.”
I release her, inhaling deeply and trying to keep the tears back. “I think we both need a little time to cool down.”
“Is that what you’d tell one of your patients if this were them?”
“No.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
Because it’s much easier to give advice than take it. Because I’m terrified of what the follow up will be. He was so hurt, and I did it to him. I hurt the man who is selfless to a fault, who has given up his own time to make others happy, and who taught me to love again. I pushed him away because I was scared.
Because I am scared.
“Sometimes, even when we know what we should do, we choose wrong because of fear. In my heart, I know that letting him go like that is the wrong thing, but I’m afraid. If we get too much deeper and he chooses something or someone else over me, it’ll be too hard.”
Melanie shrugs, and I can see that she’s unhappy. “I think that doing the right thing, even when it’s scary, is always the best choice.”
I feel like a failure as a mother and as a professional in this. If I were my patient, I would’ve said the same. I would have told myself that I was letting fear run my life and that it’s unfair to use my issues against the man I love.
And yet I did it.
I was back in time listening to Luke say he had to work instead of in the present listening to Jacob tell me he was trying.
“You’re right. I need to fix this.”
Melanie nods vigorously. Her phone goes off, and she smiles. “I’ll talk to Jennifer while you make things right.”
I grab my phone and call him, but it goes right to voice mail. “Jacob, it’s me, please call me. We need to talk.”
Now I just have to hope he forgives me.
“He’ll call, Brenna,” Cybil says as she tosses some popcorn into her mouth.
“It’s been almost fifteen hours.”
“Not that you’re counting or anything.”
I narrow my eyes. “Really? You’re not helping.”
“Look, I’m sorry that you and your insanely hot boyfriend got in a fight and you decided to act irrationally, for the first time in your life. Honestly, what the hell were you thinking?”
I sigh. “I wasn’t.”
“Clearly. That was so unlike you. Even when Luke upset you, you didn’t act that way. You were overly understanding.”
“And that’s probably why I couldn’t do it with Jacob.”
“Or you’re comfortable with him in a way that you never were with Luke.”
I think about that and what it means. “I’m not going to be comfortable if he doesn’t call me.”
“Maybe he needs time to figure out how to handle your crazy ass. Daddy always said—”
“Not today, Cyb. Please. I can’t handle any wisdom from your father.”
She flops back and shakes her head. “You, my friend, could use all the wisdom in the world right now. For being an expert on how people work, you sure fucked this one up.”
And to think, I called her because I needed support.
All night, I waited for a call or a text from Jacob. I battled with calling again, but then I didn’t want to come off as desperate, which I was and still am. I was wrong and stupid, and I hope that he gives me the chance to apologize.