Chapter Thirty-Six
Brenna
Tick, tick, tick.
The clock moves. One hand follows the other in a steady rhythm.
Tick, tick, tick.
I sit, just watching it. It’s constant, sure, even when nothing in my life feels that way.
Telling Sebastian was impossible. I couldn’t keep it together and kept crying as I tried to say the words. We know nothing. It’s been thirty minutes since Catherine called to tell us the plane was not in the immediate search area they thought it was.
And then there’s the news.
God, the news. Nonstop images of his face flicker across the screen.
“Jacob Arrowood, star of the Navigator movie series is still missing. His plane is believed to have suffered an engine issue that forced the flight crew to make an emergency landing in Colorado. At this time, we have no confirmation of the plane being found or if there are any survivors. Stay with News Channel Nine for more updates.”
Flip the channel. His green eyes stare back at me as yet another channel covers the story.
“We’re following the story regarding Jacob Arrowood’s missing plane. On Your Side Five is bringing you live coverage as the search continues.” Cuts to a reporter. “I’m here as more search crews are added to the team that are scouring the area for the wreckage of the private aircraft owned by Cole Security Forces. At this time, the company is not available for comment, but we understand that Jacob Arrowood is a friend of the owner, Jackson Cole.”
Goes back to the studio. “Are officials concerned that there is any kind of foul play?”
The reporter’s face returns and she shakes her head. “No, Katie, at this time they aren’t saying anything other than the search is their main concern. If you look behind me, you can see another helicopter is readying. We’re told that, at this time, there has been no sign of the aircraft or the missing flight crew.”
Katie blinks a few times, keeping her face passive. “Melissa, has there been any indication that the search team believes that the crew and Jacob Arrowood are alive at this point?”
Melissa shakes her head. “They aren’t saying at this time. We were able to talk to the commander of the search team, and they aren’t willing to speculate at this time. However, the high winds tonight don’t make things easier and aren’t comforting either.”
You know what else isn’t comforting, Melissa, reporters who don’t know anything but speculate themselves.
“Brenna?” Ellie says as she sits beside me and offers me a mug. “I made you some tea.”
I’ve cried so much that my eyes have to strain to see her. “Thank you,” I croak.
She pats my leg and turns the television off. “We’ll know before them. There’s no reason to make yourself watch the coverage of nothing.”
“Planes don’t just disappear,” I say mindlessly. This is the one thing that keeps going around in a loop. Planes have tracking devices. This isn’t supposed to be how it happens. “When Luke’s plane crashed, they had coordinates immediately.”
And then the thought forms, and I regret it: because the plane was in one piece. If Jacob’s plane isn’t, the GPS system could be in one area and we would have no idea where he ended up.
“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”
“I don’t know that I’m processing how hard this is.”
Ellie tucks her legs under her. “My parents died when I was young. I struggled so much with reconciling why God could take the only people I loved away from me. They came to visit me at college, and that was the last time I saw them. It was as if I went from feeling safe and as though things were going to be okay to completely alone overnight. I was so afraid of that being the case that I married Kevin without really knowing him that well. It is crazy how we convince ourselves that things like this are our fault in some way.”
I glance at where her fingers are fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “How was the accident your fault?”
“If I hadn’t needed them, they would never have been on the road. Then, when Kevin started being abusive, well, I thought that was my penance. A part of me thought I deserved it. Not just because he told me I did or because I was pretty sure I was pregnant with another man’s baby, but because I had convinced myself that it was somehow because of the accident.”
I reach out, resting my hand on hers. “It’s not your fault. That accident wasn’t at all your doing, and you definitely didn’t deserve to be abused.”
She smiles softly. “I know that now. Connor loving me showed me that. My point is, no matter what lies you’re going to tell yourself about this, they are just lies. Loving him didn’t make his plane go down any more than it made Luke’s. Your fight with Jacob doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know you love him or that you meant any of the things you said in anger.”
I wipe away a tear. “When did you become my shrink?”
“When you looked like you needed one. How did I do?”
The look on her face causes me to laugh, which I didn’t think I could do. “You did great.”
“It’s hard to love someone and have them taken.”
I nod. “It’s even harder when you have things left unsaid.”
Ellie sighs deeply. “I wrote down all the things I wanted to say to my mother once. It was almost like a log of bullet points that let her know how bad things were. If she were alive, I never would’ve been able to tell her any of it. I think that’s part of the issue. We all struggle with our emotions, especially with the people we love most.”
“Don’t I know it.”
I said things to Jacob that I didn’t mean. I didn’t fix it, which is what I will regret always. I made a vow to myself after Luke died that I would do my best to never leave things unsaid. Here I am, fucking that up.
“Can I ask you something?”
I look to her. “Sure.”
“Do you think that Luke or Jacob, if . . . well, do you think that they thought you didn’t love them?”
The question stuns me. “I don’t know.”
“See, that’s the thing, I know he knows you do. I don’t think Jacob would question your feelings, but he would question his guilt over leaving. You know, deep down, that he loves you. Even if you lose him, you don’t have to dwell on that.”
She’s right. I do know it. I know that Luke loved me, regardless of the decisions he made. He tried, I know he did, but it always felt like we came up short. With Jacob, it isn’t that way. We have had such a short time, but it was more intense and heartfelt than I can explain. I know that he loves me—truly loves me. That is why, when he said he was leaving for work, I was so irrational.
I needed that all to be real.
I couldn’t handle another half-hearted love that took a back seat to a job which isn’t what he was doing, but I couldn’t stop the feelings of fear.
Not once in the time Jacob and I spent together did he ever make me feel as if I were second choice.
“That saying about loving and losing is total shit, you know that, right?”
Ellie sips her tea. “Complete bullshit.”