“All right, guys, I’m winging it here, but I think we’re supposed to have the first set up.”
The stage director, a junior in high school, smiles and waves. “We’ve got it handled, Mrs. A!”
“Glad someone does,” I say back.
The kids are all milling around, rehearsing lines, and getting their makeup and hair done. The local beauty shop offered their services after Jacob asked them to give back to the kids.
I swear he could sell a penguin snow.
I sit in the seat and look up at the stage, feeling proud of myself for being able to step in for Jacob and sad that he’s not here with me.
A hand touches my shoulder, and I look up, hoping it’s Jacob, only to see it’s one of the moms. “Are you okay?”
Did they seriously hear about the fight we had already? “I am.”
“I just figured that you’d be a wreck right now.”
“I’m . . . fine. I’m just focusing on making sure the play goes well.”
She nods quickly. “Right. It’s good to keep your focus on that. I’m sure it’ll be okay.”
I blink a few times, wondering why she’s offering me this bit of advice when we’ve never spoken before. “Thanks.” I get to my feet and start to move when Melanie comes rushing down the aisle.
“Mom! Mom!”
“What’s wrong?”
Her hands are shaking and there are tears in her eyes. “Look!”
She shoves the phone into my hands, and I look at the headline: “Breaking News: Jacob Arrowood Plane Crash, Survivors Unknown.”
Everything inside me revolts. My vision tunnels until even the screen is a blur, my throat goes dry, and my entire body starts to tremble.
No, no, no. This has to be fake. The press is wrong. Jacob can’t be in a plane crash.
“Mom?” Melanie’s voice breaks as tears run down her face. “There are more saying they can’t find the plane.”
I grab my phone and call his number.
It rings.
And rings.
Each time I hear that noise I want to scream: answer.
But he doesn’t.
His voice mail picks up. “Jacob. Jacob it’s me. Please . . . I need to know you’re okay. Please.”
“Mom.”
I look to her, tears filling her eyes as I feel them trickle down my face. “It’s not true. I’m sure . . . there has to be . . . we have to be calm because he’s fine.”
She nods. “I’m sure.” She looks down at her phone again and sniffs. “They’re saying where the plane went down it’s unlikely there are survivors.”
I rush out of the room as my stomach heaves. I can’t stop myself from curling over into the garbage can as sickness overtakes me.
This can’t be happening.
I can’t lose someone else I love like this. Not after all the things I said. Not him, and not now. We didn’t have time. We were supposed to have time.
Melanie is there, her hand on my back, her voice trembling as she says, “Please. Say something.”
I start to cry, tears that fall silently because I’m too broken to say the fear that’s choking me aloud. He’s not supposed to leave me.
I push her away, feeling lightheaded. “I can’t—”
“I know.”
I sink to the floor, barely registering the cold tiles hitting my legs. “This can’t be. Please tell me it’s not real and I’m dreaming.”
Melanie takes my hand in hers. “They don’t know. It doesn’t mean that he’s gone, right? They think, but they can’t know.”
She needs me to tell her this, but I can’t. I’ve been down this road, bargaining with God and everyone else before, and it didn’t turn out okay. I lied to myself and everyone around me, and it broke me.
My lip quivers and so does hers, and then I see Devney and Sean running toward us. “Brenna!”
Tears are falling down her face as she reaches me. “God, you heard.” I nod, my body starts to tremble harder as fear overtakes me. Devney sinks down beside me, her hand takes mine and she grabs Melanie’s with her other hand. “Have faith. We have to have faith.”
I swallow my terror and try to focus on the people around me. “Do you know anything?” I ask.
She shakes her head as a sob escapes her lips. “Sean got a call from Catherine. All we know is what they’re reporting. The pilots called in their location when the plane was going down, and they’re searching now.”
A sound leaves my mouth that is a half cry, half scream. Her arms wrap around me, and I let her hold me together. If they don’t find him alive, I’ll never be whole again.
“Not another plane crash,” I whimper. “Not again. Please, not again.”
Sean pulls me from Devney’s hold and hugs me to his chest, rubbing my back. “Jacob is too stubborn to die. We have to be strong until we know something.”
I already know how this story ends. I’m reliving it, just with a different main character. I should’ve seen it all before he left. The fight, the flight, the crash. Instead, I didn’t say what I wanted. I should’ve demanded that we speak before he left California. Now, I’ll never get to tell him how sorry I am. How much I love him, and how it wasn’t over.
So many unspoken things between us.
“I need to go.” I pull back and get to my feet. “I need to take the kids home and—Sebastian.”
“Mom?”
The look of fear in her eyes is enough to sober me. I didn’t fall apart like this when Luke died, and I can’t do it now. My kids need me to be their strength because, while they’ve only known Jacob a short time, they love and care about him too.
He’s been there for Sebastian, filling a hole that his father left behind.
My head lifts as I try to force the tears back and take a few deep breaths. Once I’m a little more under control, I cup Melanie’s face in my palm and give her a sad smile. “Until we know more, we have to be strong.”
She nods. “Sebastian . . .”
My phone rings, and it’s Cybil. I can’t talk to her. If I do, I’ll never be strong for Sebastian because I’ll be too busy breaking down.
Right now, he’s oblivious. I don’t lie to my kids, but at the same time, I can’t let him find out the way I just did. “What do I do?” I ask Devney.
She reaches her hand out, holding my other one. “The news is going to break even wider. There’s no way to shield him from it. Austin, Hadley, and the babies are all at Connor’s. It might be the best place to go. Let him be with people who understand what he’s feeling.”
“I’m not family.”
Sean speaks first. “You’re our family, Brenna. You love Jacob, and he is more in love with you than you know. You should be around us, let us all lean on each other until we hear something.”
Devney squeezes my hand. “We came here because you were our first concern. We came to get you so that you weren’t alone.”
The tears I fought to hold back break free. “I can’t lose him.”
“Neither can we, so let’s all be strong together,” Sean suggests.
They’re right. I can’t be here, and I can’t risk Sebastian learning from someone else. I have to be the one to tell him, and I have to hope that, with everyone around us, we can weather whatever news comes.