She paused, gathering her thoughts, trying to put them into a semi-coherent sentence. “It’s no secret to this family that Marilee was Dad’s favorite. I’m not going to whine about that. But for my dad to make it sound as if I had anything to do with her death…something that he needed to forgive me for…” She lifted her hands in a gesture of surrender. “Not only hard to take, but hard to believe that still, after she’s been gone eight years, Marilee is still more important than me.”
Ted’s eyes held hers and the slow, disbelieving shake of his head made her feel less petty. Made her feel justified in staying away.
He walked into the living room and sank down on a chair. Sarah followed him, sensing that she might be getting some answers.
“I wish you had told me this sooner, Sarah girl.”
“What was I supposed to do? Phone up all my relatives and tell them what Dad had just told me? Tell everyone what a jerk he was? It was hard enough to take as it was.”
“I’m sure it was.” Ted pulled in a breath and pushed it out on a heavy sigh. “If it’s any help, I think I know where this is coming from. We had a talk a while back, Frank and me. About you. About being a father. About some of the things he had done in his past. He was struggling in his faith life. In fact, he had been staying away from church. So when I asked him what the problem was, he said that he felt as if he had to atone for his sins and he didn’t know where to start.” Ted leaned forward, his eyes gentle with understanding. “I think, in some convoluted way, he thought that you were waiting to be forgiven.”
As Sarah sorted through what her uncle was saying, she realized that if her father was feeling contrite, this might be exactly the kind of twisted logic he would pursue. And maybe, just maybe, his misdirected forgiveness for Marilee was something she needed to hear as well.
Hadn’t you blamed yourself for her death as well?
But still…
“I know he’s not been the best father,” Ted continued, “And I’m not excusing what he said. I’m sure that was hard for you to deal with, but Frank is a complicated man. And I think he has a few more secrets hiding behind that paralyzed face. He’s not one to open up much, but I do know he’s been struggling with what to say to you. And how to say it.”
Sarah sat back in the chair, letting the words settle over her hurt and anger with her father. “Well, he certainly botched that,” she said.
“I know he’s not been the best father, he’s still your father. And you’re still his daughter. And he misses you. More than you realize.”
Sarah felt the gentle tug of his words, his unspoken expectations mix with the reality of Sarah’s lifelong desire to be close to her father.
“That may be, but he’s managed all these years without me. Managed to keep himself away from me. He never wrote and hardly called. I wouldn’t exactly call that missing me.”
“You’re right. I know.” Her uncle eased out another sigh. “I may be completely wrong, but, like I said, he’s changed the past few years. He’s been struggling to figure out how to deal with you. I know I’ve told him he needs to find a way to re-connect with you. Except I had always told him that he needed to ask your forgiveness.”
“Instead he granted me something I didn't’ need.”
Ted looked at her, then gently took one of her hands in his. “You don’t think you needed forgiveness?”
She was quiet a moment, trying to figure out how to find words that could express all the sorrow she’d dealt with so long. Alone.
“Maybe I do. Goodness knows I often felt guilty over Marilee.”
“What happened to her and Denise wasn’t your fault,” Ted said. “Marilee’s death and Denise’s injuries are not on you. Marilee didn’t have to drive home that night.”
“I know all that on one level. In my mind. But my heart, the part of me that misses her…” Then her voice broke.
Her uncle pulled her close in a quick hug. Westerveld style, Sarah had to think even as her own sorrow washed over her. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”
She pulled in a shaky breath and swiped at the tears that escaped. “Me too. It’s been eight years, but I still miss her. Especially after being back here.”
“And now all you and your father have are each other.”
His words sifted into her soul and much as she hated to admit it, she knew he was right.
“Okay. I’ll go see him. But I won’t do it alone.” She thought of Logan and the hurt her father had caused him. “I want to take Logan Carleton with me.”
“This Logan, you’ve been spending time with him again?”
“Yes. I have.”
Ted nodded. “He means a lot to you?”
“Even more than he used to.”
Ted nodded again.
“And you’ve got this great big ‘however’ waiting to come out,” Sarah said.
Ted gave her a casual shrug. “We know that Logan doesn’t have much love for Frank. So Tilly and I were thinking that maybe he was the reason you weren’t visiting your father.”
“If Logan doesn’t have much love for my father, that’s my dad’s fault, not Logan’s. Dad should have helped out Logan’s father. Should have been the character witness he needed.”
“What happened to Jack Carleton during his trial was wrong and I am sure that Frank has much to atone for.”
“Like Dad canceling his contract?”
“I’m hoping to fix the contract.” Ted gave Sarah a cautious smile. “Don’t worry. Logan will be getting a contract with us. But I don’t want you to tell him. That will be my job.”
“He shouldn’t have to buy it, Uncle Ted. Logan said that was the same contract that my dad took away from Logan’s father.”
“He won’t have to buy it. Crane is going to be very disappointed to find out that we were thinking of canceling his contract anyway on grounds of lack of performance. So there’s nothing for Crane to sell. Never really was, anyway.”
Though Sarah knew enough to advocate for Logan, she didn’t know what her uncle was talking about. But she suspected he and Logan did. And that was good enough for her.
“I’m glad.”
Ted smiled. “Me too. Logan has had a rough time the past few years. He was one miserable young pup when you left.”
Sarah felt a curious stab of joy at the thought, and on its heels came her own misguided notion of what she thought Logan had done. With Marilee.
And right behind that came a flash of realization.
She had made mistakes too. Just like her father had.
In the midst of these musings, Uncle Ted glanced at his watch, then pushed himself off the chair. “I gotta go. I promised Tilly that I’d be home on time. She wants to do some shopping before the game. Are you going to come?”
Sarah pulled herself back into the moment.
“Yeah, I hope to.”
“It’s really too bad you’re not coaching the team,” Ted grumbled, a heavy frown creasing his forehead.
“How are they doing?” Sarah couldn’t help asking.
“Okay, but this Berube guy doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing.”