July 19, 2019
Nash hasn’t been responsive. This isn’t the first time this has happened, so I’m not jumping to conclusions. I have concluded that the towers are probably down because his buddy’s wife has not heard from her husband either. I was hopeful that I’d hear his voice one last time, but that hope diminishes with each passing day that he doesn’t call or email.
I’m doing a pottery class tomorrow. It’s something I always wanted to do, and there is no better time than now. It will be a struggle, but I’m forcing myself to do this one last thing for myself.
The days have been so long and I’m prepared to make my exit peacefully. Everything’s in place and the package will be delivered to Dr. Harris as scheduled. One of the main reasons that I chose Dr. Harris to handle my affairs is because of our confidentiality agreement. I know she cannot share information until she gets the death certificate, which I’ve also handled.
I want them to have their happily ever after.
I want Nash and Rowan to have that love they both so desperately deserve.
Xo Gemma
Staring meekly at the pages, I try to wrap my head around what this means. “What are you talking about, Gemma?” I mumble as I reread the last line. I want Nash and Rowan to have that love they both so desperately deserve.
Dammit, Gemma, please just explain what you are trying to say.
I turn the page.
Only this time, it’s not an entry. It’s a note addressed to me.
Rowan,
I bet you never guessed you’d still be getting letters from me. I mean, who does that? Who leaves behind a trail of confusion that spans over months? I do. Because this was how it needed to be done. Before I dig into that, I have so much I need to say to you.
The day after your graduation, we were standing at your car and you asked me, “If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?” I told you that I’d go back and go to college. You were getting ready to leave. I didn’t want to open the can of worms from the past. The truth, I’d go back to the day Mom and Dad were killed in the accident and I would have taken the long way to pick you up. We never talked about it and that’s because I wouldn’t let you. Anytime you tried to ask questions I got angry. Eventually, you stopped asking. In time, we stopped talking about them altogether. It was far too painful for us both, but mostly, it was because I put up that barrier and conditioned you to never talk about it again. I have something to say that I should have said a long time ago. I’m sorry I took them away from you.
I failed them, Rowan.
Most importantly, I failed you.
“No.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “No, you didn’t, Gemma. You didn’t fail us.”
Yes, I did.
Okay, now that’s creepy.
Gemma and I both felt a tremendous amount of pain when our parents died. Not only did we lose them, but we both blamed ourselves. Gemma was driving the car that killed them, but not only that, she was driving to pick me up from ballet. We were going out for a nice family dinner before Gemma left for Costa Rica. A trip that never happened. They were running late to pick me and she convinced our parents that she knew a shortcut, only she turned and they were hit by a semi. Gemma suffered minor injuries. Dad was killed instantly, and Mom passed away a few days later.
I’ll never forget the frustration I felt as I stood outside of the ballet studio with my instructor and waited for them. I was scared, but more so, I was angry. It wasn’t until my instructor heard the news and took me home to her house that I found out why they never came. They didn’t just forget about me like I thought, they were fighting for their lives.
I’m not going to go into all the things I should have and could have done differently, because what matters is now.
As I started planning my death, I started thinking about what I hoped for you and Nash in life. I want you to have each other. I want you to marry Nash. I want you to have children and grow old together. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a husband, and you are everything I wish I could have been for him. Side by side your and Nash’s dreams are a perfect line, starting and ending at the exact same place. The white picket fence and the kids were not my plan, they were yours. They were Nash’s.
I want the two most important people in my life to chase their dreams together.
Don’t give up on him, Rowan.
I know there will be times that you want to because he’s as stubborn as Dad. But don’t do it.
He needs you.
You need him.
This is me telling you that you have my blessing. I know that this sounds insane, and it’s possible that I am not thinking clearly. My mind has been in a fog and this idea came to me suddenly as I was planning things out. But it hit me like a tidal wave. I feel so strongly that this is meant to be. If I’m wrong and you feel nothing, then just laugh about this one day with your future husband. How your sister sent you on an adventure to find love. But if there is even the tiniest part of you that feels something for him, feel it. Don’t fight it. Fight for love.
I love you, little sis.
Xo Gemma
A lump lodges in my throat. Tears drop carelessly onto the note paper and I brush them away, smearing some of the ink.
This was her plan all along. It wasn’t so that Nash and I could build a friendship, it was because she wants us to be together.
“Aunt Lori,” I choke out. Trying again, I holler louder, “Aunt Lori, can you come here, please?”
I turn the pages in the back of the journal to see if there is anything else, but it’s empty.
She’s just leaving me with that. A note that tells me she wants me to marry her husband and have his babies. What the hell? There is a part of me that is angry. It’s just like Gemma to try and control the situation from her grave. To try and map out my life for me because she thinks she knows what’s best. The other part knows she means well and also feels a bit of relief that she isn’t planning to haunt me for an eternity because I slept with Nash.
Aunt Lori opens the door and pokes her head in but doesn’t say a word.
“You knew about this, didn’t you? That’s why you were encouraging me not to give up.”
A devious smirk tugs at the corner of her lips. “You and Nash weren’t the only ones who got notes, honey.”
With that, she closes the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that are running rampant and a heart that will not slow down.
Chapter Eighteen
Nash
It’s been one hundred and fifty-two days since Gemma left this world. I feel like I’m beginning to heal. Not as much as I’d hoped, but I’m done beating myself up over what I could have done differently.
It’s been forty-seven days since Rowan left. Healing from her absence hasn’t begun yet. I’m still wrestling with emotions that took me by complete surprise. And I’m still beating myself up for letting her leave.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about calling her just to hear her voice. I haven’t given in to the constant nagging in my mind to just call her, but I will hear her voice soon. Christmas Eve is tomorrow and while I originally planned on flying out to Denver to see my mom and stepdad, I switched things up at the last minute.