My back aches as I try to sit straight, the familiar weight of Yasmin’s sleeping body pressing into me.
“Nix—” I turn to the bed where I hear a low wheezing sound. Her fingers twitch in my hand, the hand that’s still holding onto hers.
“Mom?” I ask, my voice rough from sleep. “Is everything okay?”
Tightening my hold on Yasmin, I lean forward so I can see Mom better. Her eyes are barely open; the bright blue of her irises has lost all the spark that was always in them, leaving them dull and lifeless. She is going away, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
“M-myy… b-boy…”
Her words pierce me straight to the heart, or what was left of it anyway. She fights for her every breath, but it feels like I’m the one who can’t breathe. The weight I’ve been carrying for months now is finally crashing down on me.
This can’t be it. I’m not ready.
Panic spreads through me, but I try my best to appear calm. She needs me to be calm, although I’d do anything to fall down on the floor and throw a temper tantrum, demanding somebody, anybody, to do something.
“Shhh… You have to rest.” But before my words can come out, she’s already shaking her head.
The movement, no matter how small, must have awoken Jade. Her eyes fly open, worry etched in them as she leans against her hand and looks down at Mom lying next to her.
“J-Jadie…”
Tears well in my sister’s eyes instantly. She knows, just like I do.
Jade shakes her head, refusing to listen. Wrapping her arms carefully around Mom, she burrows her head in the crook of her neck, her whole body shaking with silent sobs.
Letting go of her hand, I get to my feet. The motion startles Yasmin. Blinking her eyes open, she looks around the room. “What?”
I just shake my head, not knowing what to say. I put Yasmin back in the chair and kneel down by the bed, taking Mom’s hand between mine.
“There is still time,” I protest, knowing damn well there isn’t. We’ve been playing a losing game from the very start. “You should rest.”
Don’t leave us. I want to beg her. Not yet.
“M—” Mom tries to suck in some air, but her lungs aren’t having it. She starts coughing, and my heart hurts as I watch her struggle, knowing there isn’t anything I can do to help her. Jade’s sobs become stronger, but to me they feel like an echo in the distance. I want to help her, console her somehow, but I can’t move my eyes from Mom’s shaking body trying to get enough air into her lungs. Tears burn in my eyes.
I can’t do this. I can’t watch...
Hands grip my shoulders, fingers digging into my flesh. Even in the stale room that smells of disinfectant and death, I can feel the faint scent of cinnamon.
Yasmin.
She’s here, holding onto me. Silently telling me she’s here and offering me her support. Her presence grounds me, reminding me of what’s on the line here.
You can do this. For them.
Finally, after what seems like a lifetime, Mom’s coughing stops. Her chest is still rising and falling rapidly, but at least she has enough air to breathe.
Mom looks over my shoulder. “T-take…” Wheeze. “C-care…”
Her fingers twitch between my palms so I let go of her. She tries to lift her hand, but she doesn’t raise it an inch before it falls back on the mattress. There is no strength left in her body.
Tenderly, I help her lift the hand so she can cup my face. Her finger traces over my cheek. Rough stubble has turned into a full-on beard since I haven’t seen the razor in weeks, but she doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she just doesn’t mind.
“L-lo… L-love…” she stutters, struggling to get the words out.
“I love you too, Mom.”
A tear slips down my cheek, but she swipes it with her thumb, wiping it from existence before it can fall down.
“I-I… k-know…”
She turns her head to Jade, who’s still holding her tightly, like if she grips her hard enough she can make her stay. They exchange silent words of their own, and only then does she relax, her eyelids falling shut.
Mom tries to fight the sleep, but it’s no use; this took more strength than she had.
“Rest,” I whisper, slowly putting her hand back on the mattress. It lost its warmth long ago, but there’s no way I’d let go of her. “We’re here, you just rest.”
There is rustling behind me as Yasmin sits on the floor behind me. Her arms wrap around my middle from behind as she leans her cheek against my back.
That’s how we stay.
Me holding one of Mom’s hands, while Jade has the other. Yasmin a silent support holding me together.
We don’t move when the light of the day starts creeping between the blinds. Nor when the nurse comes silently inside to check on Mom. We don’t move as the sun lifts high in the sky and then slowly starts descending toward the horizon, or when Mom’s breathing becomes so low, it’s barely audible.
Until her chest stops moving.
Until the loud beeeep spreads through the room, signaling that her heart has stopped beating.
Until Jade’s sobs become so loud, they echo in my mind.
And the whole world stops.
Chapter Thirty-Three
YASMIN
I leave the room, slowly pulling the door shut behind me. Jade and Nixon need to say goodbye to their mom in peace, and they won’t be able to do that with me inside.
Only once I’m in the hallway do I let my own tears fall. I lean against the wall, my body sliding to the floor as I cry for the woman I’d just started to get to know, but who means the world to two people that I’ve started to care about. Started to love.
A humorless chuckle escapes me. Who am I trying to kid? I’ve already fallen in love with Nixon Cole.
Deeply. Irrevocably. Head over heels in love.
And there is nothing I can do to ease the pain he’s feeling. Their world will never be the same again without their mom in it.
Wiping the tears off my face, I slowly push up and go to the living room where I left my things. I find my phone in my backpack, lying forgotten. I don’t think I’ve picked it up since I came here. How long has it been? The days have all blended together into one. Time seems to have stopped within the walls of the house, but even that couldn’t stop the inevitable from happening.
Ignoring all the messages and notifications, I pull up my best friend’s number and click dial. Callie picks up on the third ring. “Yasmin? Where are you?”
“Is Hayden with you?” I ask, ignoring her question. My voice sounds funny to my own ears, detached and empty. But I have to say this, and I don’t think I’ll be able to do it twice.
“Yes, why? What’s going on? Do you know where Nixon is? We haven’t heard from him in forever.” I can hear the worry in her voice, but I don’t have it in me to reassure her that everything is going to be all right. Not when I know nothing will ever be for those two people in the room down the hall.
“Callie,” I say, not in the mood to go over this twice.
“Wait, I’ll put him on speaker.”
“Yasmin?” Hayden’s voice comes through the line. There is rustling in the background. I’m not sure if they’ve returned from California or what time it is. Not that I care.