“What about you?” Heidi asks, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Huh?” Spring break, right. “Oh, I’m driving to visit my mom in the city.”
Before I can even finish the sentence, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see a message from Jade. I gave her my number last time I was at their house, just in case she needed something. I could see how hard she was struggling with everything that’s been going on, and Nixon already has his hands full trying to keep his head above water while at the same time keeping his family together.
Wariness creeps in as I unlock the device. My heartbeat is in overdrive, the sound of it echoing in my eardrums.
Jade: Nix said not to text, but…
Jade: Can you come? He’ll need you.
I stop in my tracks, my eyes glued to the screen, rereading the message again and again.
She’s dying.
I can’t watch her die.
My eyes fall shut, pain for the two of them spreading through me.
He’ll need you.
But what she doesn’t say is that they’ll both need me.
“Yasmin?” Heidi’s voice is a little sharper, so I can only imagine how many times she called out to me.
I look up at my friend’s worried face. “I have to go.”
“Go?” Her frown deepens in confusion. “Go where? Class is starting in a few minutes.”
I look at the stairs.
I should go up there, attend this class, then go, and squeeze in a quick study session before going to my shift at Cup It Up. The old Yasmin would do that.
He needs you.
They need you.
“Take notes for me, will ya?”
And with that I turn around and rush down the stairs.
NIXON
Soft voices coming from the hallway startle me from my wandering thoughts. I rub my face with my free hand. The exhaustion has finally set in, but I’m not ready to give in to it. Not now, with the clock ticking down. Not yet.
Letting go of Mom’s cool hand, I stand up and go see what’s going on. It’s probably Jade talking to one of the nurses, but I could stand to stretch my muscles.
Walking out into the hallway, I stop in my tracks when I see Yasmin standing there, her arms wrapped around Jade. Yasmin’s lips move as she whispers something into Jade’s ear, both their eyes red from crying.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, holding onto the doorjamb.
Yasmin lifts her head when she hears me, her eyes softening just a fraction.
She knows.
Dammit, Jade. I didn’t want her here. Didn’t want her to see me like this. But at the same time, I can’t deny that I need her here. I want to go to her, wrap her in my arms and lose myself in her sweet scent. I want to feel anything other than this suffocating despair, and she’s the only one who can give me that.
I love her, and I hate her for it.
I love her.
Before I can wrap my head around it, Yasmin gives one final squeeze to Jade and lets go. We stand in silence, just looking at each other. From the corner of my eye I see Jade enter Mom’s room and close the door behind her, giving us a little privacy.
“Shouldn’t you be in class or something?” I ask, finally breaking the silence. I’m not sure if I want to be angry or relieved that she’s here. What I do know is that I’m tired.
I’m tired of waiting. Tired of the smell of death clinging to all of us. Tired of watching Jade hide her tears in front of Mom. Tired of having to watch Mom struggle for her every breath. Tired of waiting for the inevitable to happen.
Yasmin shakes her head. Closing the distance between us, she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips to my pulse point. “There is nowhere else I want to be.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
NIXON
“Are you sure you don’t want to go and spend spring break with your mom instead?” I ask Yasmin a few days later as we clean the dishes after dinner.
We barely leave the house these days, instead opting to spend every single awake moment with Mom, huddled in her room. Still, I was pretty sure that it’s time for spring break.
Today Mom’s been mostly sleeping, but she did wake up for a little bit. A smile crossed her face when she saw Yasmin sitting next to me. Jade brought UNO cards so we played a little, talking about stupid nonsense just to make Mom happy. After Mom fell back asleep, Yasmin excused herself to go and prepare lunch. Since both Jade and I are terrible in the kitchen, Yasmin has taken it upon herself to make something to eat every day, forcing us to sit at the table, threatening bodily harm if we didn’t listen.
“I texted her, and she’s fine with me not coming. We’ll have more opportunities.”
But what if you won’t?
I thought I’d have more time with my mom too, and look at us now. I’ve barely grown up, and she’s dying. I thought we’d have years. Years of family moments, birthdays, barbecues, and beaches. I thought she’d see me graduate from college and maybe even enter the draft. That she’d be at my wedding one day and see her first grandchild born. But all of those moments are slipping away right through our fingers.
I know I’m reflecting my situation on her, and she doesn’t need that shit in her life. Just because my mom is dying doesn’t mean everybody’s in the same boat.
But aren’t we all in it? From the day we’re born we start dying. There are no certainties on how much time any one of us has on this planet, so shouldn’t we make the most of it?
Yasmin’s hand covers mine on the counter. Slowly, I lift my eyes to meet hers. “I want to be here, Nixon. But if that’s not what you want…”
With my free hand, I push a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I want you here.”
It’s the goddamn truth. While I wouldn’t have asked her to come, now that she’s here, I don’t want her to leave.
“Then I’ll stay. For as long as you want me, I’ll stay.”
We finish cleaning up, and once we’re done, we go back to Mom’s room. I take the armchair that’s placed next to the bed, Yasmin sitting on my lap.
We turn on the TV, the soft glow from the screen the only light illuminating the room.
We don’t say anything, just sit there with one of my hands holding Mom’s, the other curled around Yasmin’s middle. She’s leaning her head against my shoulder, her arms wrapped around me tightly while Jade lies next to Mom on the bed.
For the next couple of days, we do the same on repeat. We get up, Yasmin forces us to eat something, and then we’re back in the room. Every time Mom wakes up, we talk with her, sharing memories and funny stories from our childhood; we play cards, ribbing whoever’s the current loser, which somehow turns out to be me in most of the cases. Sometimes Jade reads out loud from Mom’s favorite book, Little Women, or we watch Dirty Dancing on repeat. But the moment she falls back to sleep, the quiet zeroes in on us. The uncertainty of what the next day, the next hour, will bring, and the darkness swallowing us whole until the only thing left is an emptiness that knows no bounds.
The room is clouded in darkness when I startle awake from one of my dreams, one of my nightmares. Blinking a few times, I look around. I’m not sure when I fell asleep or how long I was out, but something must have woken me.