This house had seen her through some ups and some downs. Maybe it was time to move on, start over entirely from scratch; a new job, a new town, and a new life. Time to throw it all out and begin anew.
Pulling herself out of her reverie, she reached into the backseat and located her purse. She walked up to the front door with carefully placed steps. She wasn't exactly taking her time, but she wasn't hurrying either. She wasn't sure what she was going to come face to face with when she opened the door, and she wasn't sure she was ready for whatever it was.
As she stepped into the front hallway, she set her bags down and hung up her coat. The scent of cooking meat met her, and she inhaled deeply.
"There you are," her husband said, walking towards her with a smile. "I have supper ready, so throw your bags in the bedroom and come and get it!"
She smiled weakly at him and took her bags towards their room. How could he act like nothing was wrong? Like everything was okay? As she was mentally shaking her head, a thought came to her that she couldn't remember ever having before. Did it matter? She almost stopped in her tracks. Did it matter why he did what he did? Why was she making herself crazy trying to make his behavior rational?
She felt winded at the thought. She had spent so much time trying to untangle his actions and his motivations, that the idea that maybe there was no real answer struck her as almost unbelievable. What if she had been trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense? What if it wasn't her problem to try and figure it out?
As she returned from their bedroom, she walked in a bit of a daze. It seemed so silly that she was only now considering this option. Maybe his behavior and the way he treated her just didn't make sense.
Sitting down at the kitchen table, he reached over and grabbed her hand.
"Honey, I know things have been rough," he started. "Things have been a bit rocky, but I love you, and I know you love me so let's just put it all behind us, okay?"
She was still reeling from her revelation, and she wasn't sure what to say to him. So, she smiled, squeezed his hand and started eating. That seemed to satisfy him, and he smiled and dug into his dinner.
"Why don't we go to a movie tonight?" he asked. "There's a new comedy that just opened, and I thought it would be nice to have a bit of a date night."
"Okay, that sounds good," she agreed, reasoning that if they were sitting quietly in the dark for most of the evening, she would have some more time to figure out what exactly she was feeling and what she was going to do.
That evening, as they entered the movie theatre, she went to the kiosk to purchase their tickets while he went to pick up some popcorn. She was waiting for him at some tables when he approached.
"Hope you're okay with chocolate-covered peanuts with the popcorn," he asked with a smile.
"Works for me," she answered.
They were walking towards the line of people waiting to be let into the theatres when he suddenly dropped his head to the right and looked almost over his shoulder.
"What's wrong?" she asked him.
"Nothing, nothing, just an itch," he said quickly, transferring his popcorn to his right hand and raising his left to scratch his neck.
Despite his explanation, it was apparent to her that he was trying to hide his face from someone. He kept scratching his neck and averting his face from the people on his left side. A movie had just let out, and people were streaming past, except for a couple of groups of people who were lingering and chatting. Slowly, the line they were in began to move forward as the attendant ahead of them started tearing tickets.
How odd, she thought to herself. She wasn't surprised that he was hiding, but she was surprised that she noticed. How many times had something like that happened in the past, and she had turned a blind eye? It was so obvious that he was trying to avoid another theatre patron, and while it made her stomach feel slightly queasy, she realized she wasn't surprised or even upset. She felt as though she saw things, and him, clearly for the first time in a long, long time.
They settled into their seats in the theatre, and soon the movie began. He reached over and took her hand, casually resting it on his knee. There was a time when she had enjoyed nothing more than snuggling up with her husband and watching a movie. Tonight, she felt distant, as though she was observing them dispassionately. After a few minutes, she removed her hand from his under the guise of using it to grab a handful of popcorn. She laughed at the appropriate times during the movie, but she was distracted by the thought that kept running through her head. What if it didn't matter why he was the way he was?
Chapter Forty-Seven
Olivia
R unning her fingers up and down the stem of her glass, Olivia stared into the deep mahogany-colored wine. It was still early in the evening, but already she was looking forward to being able to make her excuses and go home. It was hard to pretend that everything was okay when she felt as though a brick was lodged in her stomach. Every song that came on over the loudspeakers made her cringe. She wasn't sure why, but the songs seemed hollow, and lacking in-depth, even those that talked about love appeared to be a pale version of what she was experiencing.
"Hey, Olivia!" April shouted across the table. "Penny for your thoughts!"
Olivia forced herself to smile and raised the glass in April's direction, as though to say that her thoughts weren't worth that much. She knew she wasn't exactly the best company tonight, but she also knew her friends understood and would forgive her. While she was sure they were losing patience with the on-again, off-again relationship she seemed stuck in with Luke, they tried to give her space to deal with it the best she could. The problem was, she was losing patience with herself. It seemed that no matter how many times they went back and forth, she still held on to hope.
Hope that one day he would wake up and return to the loving, caring and attentive man she thought she had fallen in love with. At least she hoped that the man she fell for was the real Luke and that he was just going through some issues that he needed to sort out. It seemed inconceivable that the man she fell in love with was the illusion.
Picking up her purse, she stood up from the table and slowly started to weave her way to the washroom. Everyone seemed to be having such a good time that she felt like a fraud for even being there. Why was she bothering to pretend that she was having a great time?
In the washroom, she glanced at herself in the dimly lit mirror, and absent-mindedly fixed her hair and re-applied her lipstick. In the relative quietness of the room, she heard her phone buzz. Her heart skipped a beat, and she felt the adrenaline begin to course through her veins. Could it be him? It had been a few days since she had left his house, heartbroken again. Her friends were confused and upset that their sensible, capable, and practical friend was acting so irrationally.
She forced herself to finish fixing her makeup and patting her hair before she reached for her phone and checked to who had sent her the text message.
He had typed nothing more than "Hi." She stared at the message for a while, unsure of what to do. She knew that logically she should put her phone away, ignore the message and go back to her friends. Her heart beat loudly in her ears as she considered what to do. The problem was that she could no more ignore him than she could decide not to breath for a few minutes.