I rolled myself over and took a kiss that tasted like spunk. “No one is keeping score, but I don’t want to be some selfish asshole—”
“I said I’m fine.” He poked his nose into the junction of my neck and shoulder, tickling the fuck out of me with each exaggerated breath.
“Hey. Oh God. Stop. Tell me why you’re not interested”—I brushed his hair behind one ear—“when I’m more than willing to—”
“It’s the meds, Luke.” He spoke as if I’d yanked the words out of him with pliers. “The antidepressants make it hard for me to get a boner.”
“Oh, Tug.” I wanted to crawl under the bed and die. “I would never have—”
“I’m your Thuong, remember?” He tangled his legs with mine. “You think you could hold me for a while?”
“Of course.”
“I just need a few minutes like this.” He rubbed his face back and forth like a cat, eyes closed, breathing softly against my skin. There was a rhythmic nature to his movements—slow and hypnotic. I closed my eyes and let contentment wash over me.
I don’t know how long we lay like that. When I opened my eyes, Thuong’s were open. He watched me silently. He seemed to be waiting for… I didn’t know what.
I tried to rise but he held me in place.
“Did I drift off?” How could I have wasted our tiny opportunity to be together on sleep?
“Only for a little bit.” His light touch skimmed down my arm.
He breathed in deeply and sighed out.
“Luke.” He pursed his lips. “We need to talk.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
St. Nacho's Day 5
Do I really want to push Luke away? No. It's killing me to take a step back and let my brain do my thinking instead of my dick. But do I want to hesitate, lie, and pretend this won't have negative consequences in the future? This is Luke. If I don’t at least pump the brakes now, it will screw things up between us forever.
Luke isn't a new drug for when I can't deal with my feelings, even though that's how we ended up at the motel in the first place.
Ignoring my shit is how I got into this mess. Maybe talking about it's how I'll get out.
Tug
We need to talk.
Four little words.
Like the sub-audible growl of a big cat predator, the simple phrase sent a frisson of fear through my whole body. Hearing them now made my gut clench.
“What about?” I asked.
He rubbed his slightly swollen lips together before speaking. “I can’t do this.”
I had to stop myself from reaching for him. “Can you explain what you mean by ‘this’?”
“This,” he said. “Us. I can’t do this.”
“I see.” I pulled myself up so I could sit with my back to the headboard. “I apologize if you feel like I took advantage.”
“That’s not it.”
I picked up my phone and checked—seven thirty. Unfortunately, there was plenty of time to talk this out. Or maybe he didn’t want to talk? Maybe he just wanted to leave and put this behind him?
“Do you want me to take you back to your place?”
“No.” He put his face in both hands. “That’s not—”
“Because if we’re off course, if this isn’t something you wanted, if I assumed, and—”
“You don’t have to take responsibility for everything, Luke. It’s not always about you.”
I stared straight ahead. “Okay.”
“I… I’m just not ready for you yet.”
“You mean because of the drugs they have you on? Because the physical part of things doesn’t work for you?”
“Honest to God, if you couldn’t see that what we did worked for me, then I don’t know what to tell you.” He wrapped his arms around his legs. “Just because my dick didn’t chub up doesn’t mean I wasn’t one hundred percent into that.”
With everything he said he confused me more. “What do you want me to do?”
“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what I need. I have to be selfish right now.”
I contemplated his words. He was right. I’d get serious shit from Echo if she knew about this.
I tried to make it easy. “Fuck you for learning to make wise choices just when I had that sweet ass within my grasp.”
He grinned and gave me a shove. “You wish.”
“So the problem is—”
“You want to fix my shit for me, and I need to be the one to do it.”
“Ah.” I let my head bang against the headboard. “I see.”
“I like you. I think about you all the time. I wait for your messages. Love your phone calls. I hoard every single moment I get to spend with you. It’d be so easy to let you take care of me.”
That made me smile, but I had to look away to do it. “I like you too. But?”
“But… When we’re together, you always try to make things easier for me.” He took my arm and laid his head on it. “Like tonight, offering to pay what I owe. How is that going to be good for either of us?”
“If it means you don’t go to jail, Thuong—”
“Maybe I need to go to jail.” He raised his voice. “Maybe that’s got to happen in order for me to get past all this shit. Always wanting things to be easy is like my rotten core. Maybe I need to cut that out of myself with a scalpel if I have to, in order to get better.”
“But how is using my cash or my influence any different than getting yourself a good lawyer or a sponsor who cares about you? How is my support different from anyone else’s?”
“First, that wasn’t support, it was enabling, and you know it.” He’d said the words quietly, but they felt like a slap. “Second, a lawyer or a sponsor isn’t going to let me fuck them.”
“You don’t know that.” I laughed because if I didn’t, I was afraid I’d cry. “You’re underestimating how hot you are.”
He preened just a little. “I don’t know. You think?”
“Thuong,” I warned. “Let’s just say you tick all the right boxes for me.”
“Good to know. Don’t you get it yet?” He gripped my hand. “You’re my one true thing. You always were, from the very first time I saw you. And I can’t—”
“I was?” I couldn’t help pointing to myself, it was such a shock to hear that coming from a man who’d been a pretty unreadable teen.
“Oh my God, Luke. I crushed on you so hard.” He gave my hand a tight squeeze. “I had a pretty concrete idea about relationships. My biological mother abandoned me, and my biological father pretended I wasn't his kid. My grandparents may have loved me, but they both died.”
“Abandonment of a different kind. I think I understand.”
He shrugged. “You and your parents are the ones who taught me what a good family looks like. And you… you were so nice to me. I’m sure you thought of me as some nuisance kid, but I wanted you to pick me up and put me in your pocket. I wanted to belong to you.”