“I was in a rut for a long time. I was always afraid that if I changed how I dressed, it would attract unwanted attention.” With Mark, I could admit emotional things. He could only laugh so much.
“What changed?”
“New place, new me,” I admitted. “I want to start as I mean to go on.”
His expression softened. “You look great, bro.”
That made me smile. “I feel great.”
“I’ll drink to that.” He flung his arm around my shoulder.
I elbowed him. “You’ll drink to anything.”
“Oh, busted.” Our laughter mingled in the early evening air.
As if it was showing off, St. Nacho’s welcomed us with a chilly breeze. I smelled roasting meat, wood smoke, and marshmallows. The sky had turned every shade of violet and pink in contrast to the scintillating orange of the setting sun. Wherever we walked, music seemed to follow. From one house, it was jazz. From another, electronic dance music. From the Cantina, the sound of a violin playing Mariachi tunes drew me forward.
From that moment on, my home wasn’t Galt but Santo Ignacio.
All that rightness settled next to the anxiety I felt over starting a new job. Over my ongoing yearning to see Thuong, to hold him, and to love him if he’d let me. Over the unsettled feeling that St. Nacho’s still held surprises for me—ones I was apprehensive about if only because I’d sallied into the unknown. The things you don’t know can surprise you in ways you can’t imagine.
I nudged Mark. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” He smiled and ruffled my hair. “Always remember: Nobody crosses the street alone.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
St. Nacho’s, Day 65
Luke’s here. He’s here, and I see him everywhere, and I can’t even.
Doesn’t he know how hard it is to stay away? Doesn’t he know that what I want most is to crawl into his arms and beg him to take my mind off my problems?
I’ll never be free of the past, but I need to make peace with it.
I thought this part would be so easy. I thought detox and the months I spent in Hope House were as hard as it would get, but what’s really hard is moving on with my life. Day to day boredom, paying my debts, working shit jobs, and living without all the drama that comes with addiction are soul crushing. Knowing this is what my life is going to be like, forever.
Life is what’s hard. Why didn’t I see that? Life is what I used drugs to escape, so how come I missed the big truth?
Every day is fucking hard.
Seeing Luke—knowing he could be my new distraction—is so fucked up.
I don’t trust myself not to take advantage, and I don’t know if I ever will.
Thuong
Good thing bumping into Thuong wasn’t a drinking game, or from the first day I got to St. Nacho’s, I’d have been drunk the entire time.
That first night, Mark and I ate on the patio at Nacho’s Bar. We sat under one of the big propane heaters with a great view of the setting sun. Along with the cantina’s famous nacho’s, I got carne tampiqueña tradicional—steak with a cheese enchilada on top. Mark ordered fish tacos and a chile relleno and shots.
Lots of shots.
I guess we were laughing pretty loudly when from my left, from the boardwalk, I heard an unhappy voice.
“Goddamnit, Luke.”
I turned to see Thuong standing on the boardwalk, bundled up against the chill in jeans, a hoodie, and a puffer vest. His hair had grown enough to brush his shoulders. I stood so fast my chair skidded back and almost tripped a waiter. Thuong stared at me like I’d grown another head. At least half a minute sped by before I could make my feet move. Thuong ran. He turned and sped away before I could even start toward the fence that separated diners from the boardwalk.
Mark caught me by the hand. “Let him go, Luke.”
“I was just going to say hello.”
“Well, he obviously doesn’t want that. Give him time.” Mark handed me a shot glass full of amber amnesia. “C’mon. To new beginnings.”
I nodded and matched him shot for shot through the rest of our meal. That night we staggered home, and I fell into a fitful sleep. I dreamed Thuong never stopped running, and no matter how fast I went, I never caught up.
The next time I ran into Thuong was at St. Nacho’s Alano Club. After that, when I had pizza delivered, who should be my delivery guy but Thuong?
Unlike when he’d delivered food to the SeaView motel, he acted as though he didn’t know me. Because that was the third time he’d seen me and simply pretended we were strangers, I guessed that was his plan going forward, and I went along.
I had to him run things between us the way he saw fit, so I didn’t push it. I took my pizza, thanked him politely, and let him leave. I may have watched him leave, just to see if he was using the scooter yet, but he pedaled away on the same bike as before.
I got my answer about the scooter the next time I visited Minerva at Rune Nation.
“Hi, Luke.” Muse waved happily from behind the register. “Thuong told me you said I could use the scooter until he has a license.”
“Of course. Are you having fun with it? I saw it parked outside.”
“I love it. Thanks so much. No parallel parking.” She straightened a stack of flyers asking for volunteers for Winter Solstice in St. Nacho’s, the library fundraiser Minerva had mentioned.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Can I have one of those?” She gave me a flyer, and I put it in my bag. “You think Thuong will be getting his license soon?”
“Driving a scooter’s not rocket science. Thuong only needs to prove he knows the laws for an M1 license and pass a skills test. He’s working on it.”
“That’s good.” I glanced around. “Is Minerva here?”
“What time is it?” She looked at me expectantly. “Minerva doesn’t allow cell phones or clocks in the store.”
“How do you know when it’s time to open and close?”
“There’s a clock on the bank.”
I glanced out the window and sure enough, an old-fashioned clock was visible from the store. How very Back to the Future.
“It’s almost noon. Should I put my phone in my car?”
“Our clients can have phones on the salesfloor, silly. She won’t allow them in the reading room, though.” Muse’s dimple-and-piercing-studded grin charmed me. “Minerva will be out in a few minutes if you want to wait.”
“Sure. What’s your favorite thing here? Show me your wares.”
“My wares?” She laughed. “I like the Tarot cards best. Some are like little paintings. Here. Look.”
I followed Muse around the store and ended up buying an incense burner. Minerva emerged from the back at noon, and Thuong came out behind her. He appeared deep in thought.
“Why hello, Luke.” Minerva greeted me warmly. “What brings you in today?”
Thuong lifted his chin with all the joy of a man facing a firing squad. Our gazes met and locked for way too long. My heart contracted at the way he shuttered his expression and glanced away. Didn’t he want to talk to me anymore at all? Didn’t he want to try fixing these awkward exchanges? I just couldn’t tell anymore.