“You are booked solid. Including three attorneys who you want to interview to join you. I have those scheduled in the early evenings.”
I nodded around a mouthful of pastrami.
“I spoke with Bentley earlier. The office on the other side of the library is about to become vacant. He said he had no issues adding it to your current lease. We could add another set of doors in the corner and expand easily.”
I frowned and swallowed. “But Fee’s desk is there.”
He waved his hand. “Not an issue. I looked at the plans. Lots of room for an assistant’s desk in the new space. Bentley offered to send over some ideas. He has Liv and Van working on it already. You can look over the drawings next week.”
Liv and Van were two of my favorite people at BAM. I had helped them on a few occasions—once when her ex tried to take their daughter, whom he never wanted, from Liv, and with the adoptions of their two children. I was even godfather to their daughter Amelia. Why they had granted the honor to me, I still hadn’t figured out, but I had to admit I was fond of the child. All their children, actually. They were a great family. I had every confidence I would like their ideas since they knew me so well and what I liked.
“Okay. That’s great.” I scrubbed my face.
“You look exhausted.”
I lifted one shoulder. “I am.”
“Have you slept at all this week?”
“Maybe three hours in total,” I admitted.
He shook his head, his look saying it all. I knew I had done it to myself.
“You need to sleep, Halton. I assume you’ll be taking your prescription tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“I will check on you in the morning.”
I met his eyes, seeing only sadness and worry in them.
“Thanks, Rene. I appreciate it.”
He stood. “Don’t work too late.”
“I won’t. I’m going to grab a bite at the bar later and head home by nine.”
Pausing, he held the back of the chair but didn’t say anything for a moment. “All right.”
Before he could leave, I had to ask. “Fee left already? Was she okay?”
“She had an appointment.”
“Ah.” Then before I could stop myself, the words were out. “Why is her desk so clean?”
He stopped at the door, regarding me sadly. “Because she left, Halton. She found another job, and she will not be returning. She asked me to wish you much luck.”
He turned and walked away.
I was out of my seat in a second, following him.
“What? Why did she leave? Where did she go?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course, it matters,” I snapped.
He slid his coat around his shoulders, the movement still jerky and slow. “She is going to work for BAM.”
“What the hell?” I yelled.
He held up his hand before I could continue.
“Reid was here yesterday, and he mentioned they’re so busy that Sandy required an assistant of her own. I called her and recommended Fee. They met last night, and Sandy hired her immediately. She gave me her notice today. I, of course, waived her two-week notice period, so she could start fresh next week. I thought it was for the best.” He eyed me. “It wasn’t as if she had a contract or anything holding her here.”
“You recommended her? Why the hell would you do that? She was invaluable here!”
He perched on the edge of his desk. “Yes, she was, and I will miss her immensely. But the fact is that the situation wasn’t going to work, and we all knew that. Given the tension between you two, it was inevitable this would happen.”
“I thought everything was fine!” I protested, knowing my words were a lie but spouting them anyway.
Rene stood, shaking his head. “That seems to be a constant issue with you these days, Halton. Unless it’s for your clients, your thought process, frankly, is fucked. You have no one to blame for this but yourself. Fee will be happier working in a place where she isn’t reminded of her mistakes every time she sees you.”
His choice of words stung.
“Mistakes? What, now—I’m a mistake?”
“Hiring you as her attorney, no. Working here, no. Falling in love with you and thinking that somehow, with enough patience, she would show you that love is real and good, yes. As I said before, your determination not to try made sure that was a wasted effort. I hope she can move past you. I really do—she deserves it.”
“So much for loyalty,” I spat out.
He tugged on his sleeves. “Oh, you have my loyalty. You will always have that. But I have come to see even I don’t rank high enough for you to truly consider me worthy of your love.”
“What?”
He studied me for a moment. “I love you as my own son, Halton. I have all these years. I always thought, in some way, I was like a father to you. That I meant something to you—stupidly, I thought enough of our relationship to think you loved me in your own way, even though you can’t express it. But you have insisted time and again you’re incapable of any sort of love. So I have to assume my affection is one-sided and act accordingly. You have my loyalty and I will continue to care, but like Fee, I cannot allow my heart to feel more, knowing the sentiment will never be returned.”
He strode to the door, looking back at me. “And that, more than anything, saddens me. You have such a capacity for love, Halton. Everyone can see it but you. The only person who thinks you’re unworthy or incapable of it is you. It truly breaks my heart.”
He left, once again leaving me alone with my thoughts.
They were loud enough to fill the silence that surrounded me.
I tossed my phone to the side, my mood even darker after accepting a call from my mother. After our conversation, it would be the last one I ever accepted.
Rain hit the windows, a steady beat of drops. It had gotten harder as the evening grew longer, the darkness settling across the sky. I stared out the window, hearing the distant rumble of thunder growing closer.
When it fully hit, the storm was going to be violent.
Much the way the storm in my head felt.
I set down my scotch and picked up my phone, dialing a number with impatient fingers.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Bentley stated, not bothering with hello. “Unless you’re calling to thank me for the extra office space, shut it. She came to us. All I did was talk to her. Sandy made the decision, and frankly, I think she’ll be a huge asset here.”
“Change her mind.”
Bentley laughed. “Who? Sandy? Fee?”
“Both of them.”
“Hal, I don’t know the whole story, but I know enough. You need the separation. She needs a fresh start.” He lowered his voice. “Isn’t that why you fought so hard for her? To give her a fresh start?”
“Yes.”
“Then let her go. Give it to her.”
I looked around the office, needing to say the words to someone. Needing to get them out before I buried them so deep, they would never escape. They bubbled and pricked at my throat, needing to be said.
“I-I think I fucked up, Bent.”
“With Fee?”
I thought of the pain in Rene’s voice. The look on his face when he left the office. I realized with utter clarity, I was going to lose everyone who was truly important to me. I was letting fear win. I was allowing my past to dictate my future. If I didn’t stop it now, I would regret it. I knew it with every fiber of my being.