“With a lot of things.”
“Then un-fuck them.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Yeah, you do, Hal. Suck it up and do it.” He paused. “When I fell for Emmy, it was hard to admit I could need someone the way I needed her. Aiden almost lost Cami before he was able to admit his feelings. Maddox went through hell, but he refused to lose Dee. It’s not a bloody easy thing to do, but trust me, the risk is worth it. Especially with someone with a heart like Fee’s. In the short time I spoke to her, I could tell she was special.”
“She is.”
“I could see she was hurting, but she had nothing but positive things to say about you, Hal. She spoke of your work ethic and how you helped her. The way you help other people. The compassion you show.” He paused. “Maybe it’s time you show yourself some of the same compassion.”
I swallowed, unable to form the right retort. His words astounded me, but they shouldn’t have been a surprise. Fee’s nature was one of sweetness and warmth. She always saw the positive.
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I am. Think hard, Hal. Don’t mess around with her—I think she’s been through enough.”
“I agree.”
“Then tread carefully. But I’m not reneging on my offer to her. And you’re welcome about the office space. You can take me to lunch next week, once you get your head out of your ass.”
He hung up.
I stared out the window, my life drifting by in random bursts of memories. My mother and her cruelty. My father’s attempts to be what I needed, then his despondency when he realized he would never win and giving up. Choosing alcohol over me.
Both of them abandoned me in their own way. They left scars I never allowed to heal. When Fee was close, they began to knit closed, but now that she was gone, they were torn open, bleeding profusely.
I looked around the office, thinking of next week—next month—next year. No Fee peeking at me over the top of her laptop. No stolen, sweet kisses. None of her sass or the perfect way she slid into the chair across from me, crossing her legs in the way she knew teased and taunted me.
No Fee beside me at night. No gift of restful slumber or waking up to her the next morning. No one to share the odd moments of my day I wanted to talk about. To sit with on the sofa, not saying a word, but sharing so much at the same time with a simple touch.
The thought of not ever feeling her touch, not ever seeing her again caused me physical pain. I blinked away the sudden moisture in my eyes.
And Rene. I did think of him as a father figure. He was a prime example of how a man should be with his family. The thought that he felt I didn’t care as much for him as he did for me rankled, but I knew I deserved his anger.
I thought of his insistence that I was capable of real, honest emotion.
Love.
Was it possible I loved Fee?
I rubbed my chest, the ache that had been building all night burning and relentless. If knowing I would never see Fee, never touch her again, felt like this, then Rene was right.
I had been fooling myself.
I did love her. As terrifying as the thought was, she had become the center of my world. Her presence soothed me, her touch anchored me, and her smile lit my world ablaze.
I had screwed up in horrendous fashion. In trying to stop myself from being hurt, I had hurt those I deeply cared for. I was so afraid of love and the pain, I didn’t see I was causing myself even greater pain. And by acting the way I had been, I had become the sort of person I fought against daily.
I made others feel less. As if they were not enough, when in fact, they were everything.
The simple reality of those words was astounding.
I grabbed the phone, my fingers shaking as I pressed the numbers.
“Halton,” Rene answered wearily. “It’s eleven p.m. What is so important?”
“I love you, old man. You’re like a fucking father to me, and I’m sorry for all this shit.”
There was silence, then he spoke, his voice wary.
“Have you been drinking again?”
“No.” I barked out a laugh. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About what an ass I’ve been.”
“Well, hallelujah. Miracles do happen.”
“I’m serious. You’re a vital part of my life, Rene. You mean more than you know. More than I can properly express.” I swallowed. “You’re the family I chose for myself.”
Rene’s voice was raspy when he finally replied.
“You have no idea what that means to me.”
“Yeah, I do. I’m long overdue in saying it. I’m sorry.”
“Just full of apologies tonight, aren’t you?”
“Necessary ones.”
“Apology accepted.”
“Thank you.” The sudden rumble of thunder made me jump. “Shit.”
“What?”
“The storm—Fee hates them. They scare her, and she’s alone.”
“You’re still in the office I presume?”
“Yes.”
“There may be a spare key in my top right desk drawer Fee gave me for emergencies,” Rene said.
I sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m not sure she wants to see me.”
“Try, Halton. Take the key and go to her. She needs you and, frankly, you need her even more. Grovel if you have to.”
Another rumble sounded, the sky lighting up, bright and vivid. Fee would be terrified.
I stood. “Well, it is the night for apologies. “
“That’s the spirit.”
“I meant it, Rene.” I remembered the words I had heard Bentley say so often and never understood until this moment. “You are my family.”
“Go get your girl, Halton. Allow yourself to be happy.”
I found the key, holding it up like a trophy. “On it.”
I couldn’t call Fee. She had given Rene her cell phone and told him she would be getting a new one from BAM. It was in the drawer next to the key, and I shoved it into my pocket. I would give it back to her if she allowed me to do so.
I drove as fast as I could. The streets were mostly deserted in the dreadful weather, and I made it to her house in record time. I pulled in the driveway and hurried to the door, ignoring the rain soaking into my suit. The power was out on the street, all the houses dark. I used the flashlight on my phone to light my way. I knocked, but there was no answer, which didn’t surprise me. Inserting the key, I paused briefly, unsure as to what her reaction would be when she saw me. Inside, I slipped off my shoes, calling her name so I didn’t frighten her any further. The thunder echoed in the empty rooms as I hurried down the hall.
“Fee!” I shouted, panicked when she hadn’t replied. “Love, where are you?”
“Halton?” her anxious voice finally responded. I rushed to her room, holding my phone high, the light guiding me to her. She was on her bed, sitting in the middle, wrapped in a comforter. Her hands gripped the edges, keeping it tight to her body.
“Wh-what are you doing here?”
“I came for you.”
In one fast movement, she lunged off the bed, and I caught her in my arms, feeling the tremors racing through her body.
“It’s okay, love. I’ve got you.” I pressed my lips to her head, inhaling the fragrant scent of her hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”