There was a beat of silence. He narrowed his gaze, hunching closer.
“The way you looked at her. The way your face changed when she would walk into the room—how you responded to her in every way. That wasn’t an attorney with a client, or a boss with an employee. That was a man in love.” He sat back. “Why are you throwing that away?”
I could only shake my head, unable to speak.
Rene’s voice grew solemn. Low and serious.
“How do you think I felt at eighteen when I got Sally pregnant? I had no choice but to grow up fast. Accept my responsibilities. Act like an adult. I was scared shitless about the future, but I did it. I worked and went to school. Life wasn’t easy. Hell, we were still kids, but we made it work. I became a father when most of my friends were going to university and partying. I was home, changing diapers. I worked hard, and so did my wife. We relied on each other, and against all odds, we made it.” He sighed. “I was scared every day for years, Halton. Worried if I had done the right thing. If my carelessness had messed up not only our lives, but my son’s as well. But I had Sally, and she was my rock.” A tear ran down his cheek, and he brushed it away. “I miss her every day, but I will never regret taking that chance with her and making a great life. You are throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
“This is different.”
“Is it? Is it really? Aren’t you refusing to take a chance? To trust someone in a way you have never trusted before? Fee is not your mother, Halton. Her love doesn’t come with pain and games. What you see is what you get with her. And what I see when I look at her is a woman deeply in love with a man and wanting to help him.”
“I don’t love her. I don’t love anyone. That’s the point,” I snapped. “Why can’t you accept that about me? I care for people. Yes, some more than others, but I am incapable of love. Emotional attachments aren’t for me.”
He pursed his lips and sat back, crossing his legs. He regarded me for a moment and I waited for his BS comment again, but instead, he tilted his head.
“All right.”
I was surprised by his remark.
“The lecture is over, then?”
“I have one question, and I want an honest answer. Then I’ll drop it.”
I sat back, mirroring his pose. “Ask me.”
“Consider yourself under oath, Halton. I am asking for brutal honesty.”
I waved my hand. “Ask.”
“If you’re incapable of love and you have no deep emotional attachment to Fee, why did you drink yourself into oblivion this weekend after you broke it off with her?”
I blinked. Then, again. Rene’s intense gaze never wavered.
I swallowed the sudden dryness in my throat.
“She was awesome in bed. I’ll miss the sex.”
He stood, looking down at me. “I have seen and heard you do a lot of questionable things, Halton—” he huffed out a disgusted breath “—but this is the first time I have ever been ashamed of you.” He walked to the door. “Straighten yourself out and get your ass into the office tomorrow. I am not covering for you again.”
The door slammed behind him, the sound making me wince.
The silence that followed his departure, however, was far louder.
I was in the office early on Tuesday, wanting to be prepared for whatever hell the day held for me. Between Rene’s anger and Fee’s hurt, I wasn’t sure how I would handle myself.
I heard them come in, chatting like old friends. Not long after, Rene brought me in a coffee and sat down, his tablet in hand, his voice calm, his demeanor the same as usual, although I detected a trace of coldness that hadn’t existed until now.
“We need to go over your schedule.” He turned and called over his shoulder. “Fee, a moment please, dear.”
I braced myself, unsure how this was going to play out. Fee came in, her hair swept up, a gray suit showing off her shapely body. She sat down, offering me a cool smile.
“Hello, Hal. I hope you’re feeling better today.”
Hal. She called me Hal.
Somehow, I didn’t like hearing her call me that name. But I forced a return smile and played along with their game.
“Yes, better, Fee. Thank you.”
She didn’t react to the emphasis I put on her name. She crossed her legs, the skirt riding up and showing her dimpled knees. I recalled kissing those dimples. Tracing my finger around the edges as I gripped her knees, spreading her open while I licked her to orgasm.
I had to avert my eyes.
The next twenty minutes were surreal. It was as if nothing had occurred. We went through my schedule, switching appointments, adjusting times, and making sure we were all on the same page. Fee didn’t talk much, but she jotted down notes, offered a few suggestions, and kept her gaze fixed firmly on Rene.
I couldn’t stop looking at her.
She was pale, and she looked as tired as I felt. I wanted to touch her, ask her if she was okay, but I knew I no longer had the right.
When the meeting was over, she stood and went into the library. Rene followed, shutting the door between us.
It remained closed the rest of the week.
I only saw Fee if she was at Rene’s desk or passing through the reception area. She somehow always managed to drop off my lunch at my desk while I was on the phone. She was professional, polite, and impersonal. Exactly the way I would want an extra assistant in the office to act.
I hated it. Every single fucking minute of it.
By Friday, I was tense and agitated. I spent the afternoon closed in judge’s chambers, shredding an asshole who was trying to take his child away from my client to be vindictive. I let my anger loose, and by the time we were done and I had presented my case, not only did Vivian have custody, her ex-husband was paying through the nose for his stupid stunt. All my aggression went into my arguments, and they were on point, succinct, and dripping with rage.
Back at my office building, I rested my head against the cool metal wall of the elevator, grateful I was the lone occupant. I was exhausted. My insomnia had returned with a vengeance. Before Fee, I had managed a few hours a night. Now I was lucky to get fifteen-minute naps spaced out by long hours of pacing, trying to exhaust myself. I knew I would have to swallow some pills this weekend to get some rest. They would leave me groggy and unable to function well the next morning, but by Saturday afternoon, I would be better. I hated taking them, but at this point, I had no choice.
I somehow doubted Fee would offer to let me sleep beside her, even if I asked. She had looked tired this morning, the dark circles under her eyes almost as bad as mine. She had still smiled that distant smile I hated and said good morning, before going into the library and shutting the door in our shared wall.
I walked into the office, partially relieved, partially disappointed when I found only Rene there. He was on the phone, his gaze watchful as I went to my desk, sitting down heavily. I noticed the door was now open between the library and my office and the top of Fee’s desk was empty and spotless except for the lamp on the corner she liked to use. She must have cleaned it off for the weekend. As I went through the stack of messages on my desk, my gaze kept drifting to the empty desk—somehow, it seemed odd to me.
Rene came in and slid a tray onto the corner of my desk. I picked up the cup of coffee and attacked the sandwich. I was starving. He sat across from me, discussing the busy schedule I had next week.