He wraps around me and lets me sob into him. He holds me so the shaking isn’t so noticeable. And he says nothing because I think he knows I don’t want some positive garbage right now.
I cry until I’m exhausted and his shirt is soaked and there isn’t anything else to do but sit and stare at the green grass opposite the parking spot.
Fucking brain surgery.
And why now?
I’m free of Rod. I’ve got my life chiseled down to something I like and feel safe with. Sam and I are finally seeing each other.
So why now?
Finally, Dad speaks softly, “I don’t know how you’re feeling. I can’t imagine. I know how I’m feeling as your dad. I’m scared and heartbroken. And I know you. You’re like me. You push your feelings down and try to do everything for yourself without asking for help. You’re great at moving on without taking notice of how you are. People like us push on. We don’t wallow for long.”
He turns, revealing the tears in his eyes.
“But this is not something you need to do alone. No harm will come from letting people in. Trust me. This is a moment to let the circle of people who love you surround you. And not because you need it. I know, you’re strong and self-sufficient. But let us in so you don’t have to be, not right now.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand.
It’s a weird thing to say, a bit random for the moment and yet, perfectly placed here. Because truthfully, I am already thinking how to get through this on my own. Me as an island.
“And honestly, Lil. What’s brain surgery after this fucking year?” He starts the car as we laugh.
He’s right.
What is brain surgery compared to everything else that’s happened?
My phone buzzes with a call from James but I ignore it.
“Ice cream?” Dad asks as he pulls away.
“Yeah.” I nod and contemplate how the hell I am going to tell Liz about this. Because as much as my dad is right, and I need to let my loved ones be here for me, I don’t want to add to her problems.
“You’re doing it already, aren’t you?” he asks.
“Doing what?”
“Figuring out how to not be a burden.” He turns and pulls onto the main road. “Stop it.”
I laugh. He knows me too well.
Chapter 37
September 30
I’m wheezing.
My heart is beating so fast I might pass out.
There’s a sour taste in my mouth from the acidic burp I did partway through the run.
An old man jogged past me at one point, and I thought he might stop and see if I was okay.
But he didn’t.
And it doesn’t matter now because I did it.
Week four of Couch to 5K is done.
I ran.
And nothing was chasing me.
My whole body hurts.
But it’s done.
“You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate plays in my ears on repeat as I make my way home from the thirty minutes of exercise.
I feel good, more proud than healthy, but good, nonetheless.
My cell phone rings. It’s James.
“Hey,” I say as I answer it, actually excited that I’m winded.
“Good news! We got an offer for the full amount and they want possession in four weeks. It’s a dream purchase. No subjects except insurance. He’s a builder so he did a full inspection during the showing, and they made a killing on their house in BC. It’s a cash deal.” James is so enthusiastic it makes me want to be happy but the truth is this is the last thing I expected today.
“Wow, okay.” I take a deep breath and try to separate the sadness of the house selling from my self-worth and the success I’m having with running. Compartmentalizing doesn’t come naturally to me.
“This is good, Lil. We’re having a good day. In all the other things that have happened this year, your house selling this way is freaking awesome.”
“I’m pumped. Accept the offer, obviously. I’m sure Rod has said the same thing.”
“Excellent. I’ll keep you posted.” He ends the call and I walk to the front of my building. I’m sweaty and red-faced so of course this is the moment I see Sam. And he’s not alone. He has Arthur with him.
If I didn’t have bad luck . . . “Hi,” I say, forcing a smile.
“You’re all red. Did you—run?” Sam asks as his eyes travel my body in confusion and Arthur laughs.
“What he means to say is, ‘Nice job on the run.’” Arthur puts his elbow up for me to tap with mine. The new high five.
“Thanks. I just finished the fourth week of Couch to 5K.” I try to rein in my bragging but I’m thrilled I did it. And lived.
“Wow. Nice work,” Sam says, nodding along with Arthur.
“Well, I have to get going. I’ll catch you kids later.” Arthur steps back, giving me a weird grin.
“Okay—thanks for walking me home,” Sam adds. It’s also weird. His tone and the ‘walking me home’ thing? Why does he look like he’s up to something?
“See you guys later.” I wave and head inside. When I get into the elevator, Sam is right behind me.
“So how was it?”
“Hard.” I don’t bother lying to him. “A really old man passed me at one point. He probably thought I was having a heart attack.” I wrinkle my nose.
“Awesome.” He laughs and I sigh, not nearly as quietly as I should.
It’s been almost a year since I had sex and if it were up to my libido, Sam would be pressed against the wall of the elevator with me mauling his—whoa, girl!
He’s staring at me while I talk myself off the horny ledge I seem to be stuck on. It’s so awkward.
“Have dinner with me,” he blurts.
“Okay,” I answer before I think about it. What have I done? “Uhm—”
“Shower and come over. I’ll make something simple.”
“Cool.” Cool, cool, cool, cool. God help me.
“Okay.” He stands a bit taller and beams, making me realize what that weird Arthur thing was. He ditched Sam so we could be alone and he could ask me out.
A shiver washes over me.
“You cold now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I admit.
“I get cold after I run too.” Finally, he says something stupid, and I feel much better about my lameness. I’m making a cool guy like Sam nervous.
The elevator doors open and we walk down the hall, not saying anything.
I pause at my door and think before speaking this time, “You know what, I forgot—”
“You have a thing,” he says.
“I—I do. Rain check?” I ask.
“Absolutely.” He’s staring at me but I’m avoiding eye contact. I have a bad feeling what I’ll find.
“Night.” I weirdly wave in the least coordinated way and struggle with my key.
“Night,” he says as I get the door open.
Romeo comes running.
But there’s no chance to snuggle or kiss him. I close the door and lean against it.
Shit!
Double shit!
Chapter 38
October 31