Two hands hold a pregnancy test. On one hand sits a stunning diamond ring, and on the other the turquoise ring. The tagline is “three months today.”
My phone rings, it’s Brent. I let the call go to message, preferring to talk to him when I’m alone on my drive home. I’ll let him rant while I maintain my belief they are not worth another minute of our time. A belief that’s being tested as I look at this image.
“Elaine is pregnant,” I say calmly, fighting the storm inside me. My insides burn, but I take a deep breath and hold the phone for James to see. He winces.
“He’s disgusting and they deserve each other,” Shawnee mutters.
“More champagne, Lil?” James asks.
“No, I’m good with the one glass. I’m doing another five K tomorrow.”
“Fuck him,” Shawnee accidentally spills out some of her inner fire and blurts, “Fuck them both. I hope they die of syphilis.”
We all laugh at the insane statement.
“What am I missing?” Liz comes out with a sparkling water for me and Shawnee.
“Nothing!” we say as a group.
And that is the truth.
Rod and Elaine are nothing.
Not to any of us.
The night moves on and we say goodbye. It’s not the same as before. I don’t hug anyone or give kisses to the baby or kids. They wave through the window, blowing me kisses.
On the drive, I call Brent and put him on speakerphone, as Helen has decided to never allow her Bluetooth to work again. I have to admit, I’m glad she sacrificed it working to sell Rod’s ass out.
“Did you see?” Brent shouts into the phone before I can greet him. “A fucking baby?”
“Yeah, a baby. And an engagement and they’re a pair of liars who deserve each other. You and I have no business worrying what they’re up to.” I’m firm with him. It’s new but we both need it. “How’s Bear?” I ask, completely disregarding them.
He takes a second to get his breath. “You’re so right. Fuck them. Bear’s amazing. Probably the best friend I ever had. He’s been giving me a bit of side-eye all evening since I saw that picture though. How’s Romeo?” He still sounds angry but this is progress.
“Good. He’s a fluffy love. Maybe fluffier than he’s supposed to be.” I laugh. “Are you seeing anyone?”
“No. I was sort of seeing a lady from up the road. But she wanted to get serious and I—”
“I know.” I sigh. “There’s a guy I dated before Rod—”
“Sam?” he asks.
“Yeah. You remember me mentioning him?”
“No, I remember Rod mentioning him. He was so jealous of him, oh man. He was livid.”
“There’s some irony,” I say with a chuckle. “Anyway, we run into each other a lot and he’s asked me out but I pretended I couldn’t. I’m struggling with letting my guard down. Scares the shit out of me if I’m being honest.” The lonely confession, particularly to Brent who isn’t one of my closest friends, is huge for me.
“But you’re right, we have to. We have to let ourselves be open to love again, Lil.” His voice breaks and not because of Helen’s poor reception. “And you were right when you said we can’t let them change us.”
I can’t remember when I said that, but it rings in me with something extra tonight.
“Maybe I’ll call Sarah, the lady down the road, and see if she wants to do a walk with the dogs tomorrow. She has an Irish wolfhound named Guinness. He’s bloody huge. He and Bear get on like a house on fire though. And they’re both big enough that you don’t have to worry about one hurting the other.” He sounds better.
“Must be like watching dinosaurs wrestle.”
“Exactly. They’re a hundred and fifty pounds each.” He chuckles, considerably lighter in tone.
“Keep me posted on that. And if you want to do a social-distance walk, I’m in.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, Lil, for talking me off the ledge. I appreciate it.”
“Always. Night, Brent.”
“Night.”
The call ends and I find myself in a similar spirit. I’m lighter.
I drive to the underground parking and hurry upstairs to turn on some music and force my cat to dance. A Christmas song slips in and I decide tomorrow I am decorating. November first.
It’s basically sacrilegious to do it before Remembrance Day but it’s been such a crazy time.
I’m musing over where to put the tree when a knock at the door draws my attention. I hurry over to find a freshly showered Sam grinning at me.
“Hi,” he says, holding a large envelope. “I think this belongs to you.”
I stare at it and flinch. It’s my underwear subscription. “Yes. Thanks.” I take it, blushing because he was holding it. What am I five?
“Okay,” he says awkwardly. Romeo comes bursting through my feet and attacks Sam’s legs. “Man, he’s so affectionate.” He scoops up the cat and kisses his nose. Romeo doesn’t seem to mind when he does it. “Hi,” Sam says, smiling at him as Romeo rubs his face all over him.
My cat adores this man.
If I let myself, I could probably adore him too.
The thought is terrifying.
But the words of wisdom I gave to Brent flit about my mind and create something resembling bravery. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you.” I open the door wide so he can come in.
“Oh yeah?” He walks in and puts Romeo down on the floor.
I almost say it, the thing I need to clear the air between us. Once and for all.
But his eyes meet mine, dark pools of a haunted past. And I panic. I point to the French doors to the deck, specifically the one I never open. “I’m going to decorate tomorrow for the holidays, and I need to know if it would be weird to put my Christmas tree here, in front of this door? I never open it.”
“It would be weird if you put your Christmas tree up at all.” He laughs at the idea, his tone lightening. “It’s not even December.”
“Well, I am. So chuckle all you want but trust me, when you see how festive it is, you’ll be—jealous,” I say in an attempt to be funny but it’s lame.
“I’m already jealous of this place.” He gets a mischievous glint in his eyes. “It has Romeo.” He points at the cat who is still rubbing against him.
My instinct is to close off. Make a joke.
But that isn’t me. That is me after Rod. The younger version of me with Sam, all those years ago, was more open to love and relationships. She was cautious, but she believed in love.
The me I want to be is here now and I have to let her shine. But first, we have to get rid of the weight on my shoulders. The lie from so long ago.
My heart whispers to be brave.
So I take a deep breath and say, “There’s something I have to tell you. You’re going to be furious with me. And that’s okay. But I need it out of the way. Because I want to have dinner with you. And the reason I said no before is I’m scared of you finding something out.”
“That was a lot of building up. You’re scaring me.”
I want to chicken out but I don’t. I blurt, “When we dated before, your dad didn’t approve of me.”