“You’re not weak,” her feathery voice rebuts. “All of this could’ve been avoided, Eli. Tonight could’ve been so much easier if you told me you were having symptoms instead of lying to me.”
“You only knew me as Eli Walsh, the singer, actor, and man who could give you the world. I’ve lived this scene before, Heather. I watched it with Penelope, so go ahead and make your exit so we can go back to our lives!”
“No.” The single word is steel, and it stops my pity party in its tracks. “Don’t you dare make me out to be like your ex. I’m not her. I’m not running away. I’m still sitting right here, trying to understand!”
“Why?” I yell. “Why bother?”
“Because I love you!” She’s on her feet at my side. “That’s what you do when you love someone!”
I shake my head and smother the hope that tries to claw its way through. “What if I don’t love you?”
I push the lie out of my mouth, needing her to have a seed of doubt.
Heather’s eyes narrow, and she grips my face in her hands. “Say it to me again, Ellington. Tell me you don’t love me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that.”
One tear falls from her beautiful eyes, and it kills me. No matter what happens from this moment forward, I won’t lie to her. I can’t hurt her like that, because it would be like cutting out my own heart.
“I can’t.”
Her hands move from my face to cover her own. “You can’t lie to me anymore, Eli. If we’re going to do this together, we have to be honest.”
“Do what?” I ask.
“If we’re going to fight this. I need to know what all of your disease means.”
I had so many brilliant reasons why I should keep this from her, but all of them seem ridiculous now, except this last one. The one I feared more than anything, that she’d look at me like this. Heather’s eyes are no longer filled with fear or anger, now it’s resolve. It’s the same way she looked at her sister.
I love her more than anything in this world, and I won’t be another thing she has to care for.
She’s done it her whole life, and it won’t be how we live.
“I won’t do this,” I say. “I won’t become a patient to you. I can’t.”
“What?” she gasps.
MS doesn’t have a guidebook. I don’t get to predict my outcome, and I won’t burden her. I knew the day I found out about her sister that I should’ve stopped pursuing her, but I’ve never been able to stay away. She needs to know the truth of what this means for us, but I cannot be the man she pities.
“I’m not your sister, Heather. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see that I want to be the one who takes care of you!” I yell, frustration rolling off me. Her body goes ramrod straight. I watch the anguish spread across her face, her shoulders slump, and her jaw drop. I say the dumbest thing I could. “Just leave.”
Her eyes meet mine, and then Heather does the one thing I both wanted to happen and prayed wouldn’t . . . she turns and walks out the door without a word.
I’ve just lost her.
Agony like I’ve never felt before engulfs me, and I fucking deserve every last bit of it.
Chapter 26
Heather
I lean against the wall outside his door, struggling to catch my breath. I can’t believe he said that. Of all the things that have come out of his mouth, nothing has ever hurt me like him bringing up my sister.
I’ve never looked at him like that. I loved my sister, I cared for my sister, and it’s only been a few weeks since I lost her. I didn’t need him to draw the comparison—I already had, and I was coming to terms with how different this is. He has no idea how much he hurt me. Not just because of the comment, either. I’ve shared everything with him. There’s nothing I keep from him, and yet, he keeps vital things from me.
Anger sears my veins, and I fight the urge to go back in there and rip into him. Explain how things in an adult relationship are supposed to work, but I don’t move.
“You okay?” Shera, the nurse assigned to Eli’s room, asks.
I rub my eyes, hoping I don’t look like a crazy person before righting myself. “Yeah, sorry. I just . . . I need a few minutes.”
She rubs my arm. “Okay, honey. We’ll keep an eye on him. Don’t you worry. He’s going to be okay, you’ll see, the IV will help, and he’ll be good as new.”
Yeah, but what will we be? How do we move on from here when he’s pushing me away? I don’t voice that to her, I attempt a smile and nod. “Thanks.”
My head falls back against the wall, and I close my eyes, trying to think through everything that happened. He had to know what he said would break my heart. Mentioning Stephanie like that was a low blow that I felt in the depths of my soul. She was my entire world, and I never pitied her, I did whatever I could to lift her up. How dare he wound me so deeply?
But Eli’s never been callous, he’s always been . . . perfect.
Perfection is an illusion we create to convince the soul to trust. Now that the curtain has fallen, I see how stupid I was. The thing is, I don’t need perfect. I need real because Matt was perfect until shit hit the fan. Then he was gone. But this hurts so much more than that did.
I need air. I need to think and get control, because if I go back in there, I’m going to lose my shit.
I make my way toward the front of the hospital while my mind runs in circles. Tears roll down my cheeks as the warm air hits my face. I inhale, hoping to get some clarity, but I find something much worse.
“Ms. Covey!” My name is being called by a crowd of people all rushing toward me. Flashes of lights go off so fast I can’t see anything around me. Over and over they blind me and create a circle so I can’t move. They scream my name and bark out questions while I try to find a way out of their enclosure. “Is Eli okay? What happened? Is it true he collapsed? Ms. Covey, over here!” There is no time to answer even if I wanted to. “Are you still together? Are you crying? Can you tell us if there were drugs involved?”
My heart pounds too hard in my chest as I push through them without saying a word. I get back in the safety of the waiting room and release a heavy breath. One more thing to deal with today. God only knows what those photos will look like.
My phone pings, and I pull it from my pocket.
Nicole: Hey, don’t want to bother you, just checking in. Are things okay there?
Me: No, things are definitely not okay. He’s fine, but relationship wise . . . not so much.
Nicole: I’m sorry. Need me to kick his ass?
Me: I think I got this. We’ll figure it out or we can both kick his ass.
Nicole: Regulators . . . Mount up!
I burst out laughing as I hear her doing her best Warren G impersonation. Nothing like Nicole to bring some humor in when I feel like I’m drowning.
I dial her number, and she answers on the first ring. “You’re so not okay if you’re calling me.”
“I need you to remind me that I can handle this.”
Nicole goes quiet and then clears her throat. “I don’t know what happened to make you question yourself.”