I tell her about what happened tonight. Nicole listens and allows me to spill my heart. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m also disappointed because I thought we were great. I didn’t know he’d been lying to me and hoping I wouldn’t find out. I’m angry because he hid his symptoms from me, which led to me finding him collapsed in his bedroom.
“I can’t even get some air because I was assaulted by fucking photographers,” I complain and sink into the chair.
“Do you want me to come kick some asses? I’ll handle the paparazzi, and then I’ll fuck Eli up for being a douche. I figure you’re done with him so you won’t be upset.”
“I know what you’re doing,” I grumble.
“Either you’re going to do it or I need to come and end it for you.”
She’s insane to think I’d let her handle this. “Stop being an asshole.”
She lets out a cough that sounds more like a laugh. “You should talk. You’re on the phone with me instead of in there fighting for him. Guys like Eli don’t come around often, and if you’re dumb enough to let him go, then you’re not the fierce woman I’ve admired.”
“I feel betrayed,” I admit. “Him keeping this from me is a big deal, and then to be so cruel by bringing up Steph.”
“You should feel that way and be sure to let him know that. But remember what happened to you not even two minutes ago, babe. Eli deals with that day in and day out, he has to protect himself, too. More than anything, you have to decide right now if you’re willing to end things. If the answer is no, then get your tiny ass back in there and fix it.”
She’s right. I need to let him know exactly how I feel. I knew when I walked out of that room, I’d walk back in. He isn’t the man I’m willing to watch leave my life. When Matt left, there was sadness but also relief. The idea of not having Eli causes my heart to drop.
I sigh and get to my feet. “I need to go.”
I’m a strong woman who knows exactly what I want, and it’s him. I’m going to tell him exactly how this is going to work. He doesn’t get to decide this alone, it’s as much my choice as it’s his.
“I knew you’d do this,” Nicole says with pride. “God help him, because my friend is a badass who doesn’t take shit from anyone. Love you, call me if you need me.”
“I will. Love you, too.”
He isn’t going to know what hit him. My life has always been a series of misfortunes, but I’ve never allowed it to define me. I may feel like I don’t have a say in how things go, but I can decide how to deal with them. I’m a fighter, and I won’t let anything stand in my way of the prize.
After a few deep breaths and an idea of what to say, I stand straight, crack my neck, and march to his room.
The door opens, and our eyes connect. Eli shifts slightly, and I clench my fists.
“You talked before, now you’re going to listen,” I demand. I’m determined for him to hear me. I move to the side of his bed and touch my finger to his chest. Our eyes stay on each other’s, and I refuse to break away. “First, you will never use my sister against me. It was a dick move to do after everything I’ve been through the last few weeks. I will never allow you to hurt me like that again.”
“I didn’t—”
“No.” I push my finger harder, silencing him. “You don’t get to talk this time, got it?” I ask.
Eli nods and puts his hands up.
“Good.” I ease back a little, still standing, needing the height to make me feel stronger. As much as I try to convince myself I’m going to just say what I need to, the truth is that I’m terrified this could end very different from how I hope it will.
Eli may decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, and there’s nothing I can do if that’s his choice. However, I’m not going to allow myself to focus on that. I’m steeling myself for the outcome I desire, which is us moving forward—together.
My eyes close, and once I have my composure back, I continue on, “This situation is nothing like it was with Stephanie. I know you’re not her, but it seems you don’t get that. She was my sister, but she became my entire life when my parents died.”
“I can’t have you look at me like that again, Heather.” He interrupts, and my eyes open.
The pain on his face causes me to let him have his say. I’m lost. I have no idea what he’s talking about. During that entire thing, I wanted to make sense of it. All of it. I was focusing on not losing my shit on him, which I clearly didn’t do a great job of. However, I can’t recall whatever he says he saw.
“I didn’t look at you like anything.”
He sighs and glances at the ceiling. “You looked at me like you had to take care of me. I know right now my body is a mess, but I’ll work through it. Usually, when you look at me, it’s like you become bright and hopeful.” He pauses. “When you were in here before, it was gone. Instead, I was a problem for you to solve. I watched your eyes go from days in the sun to doctor visits and hospitals. I know your sister was your life, but it was the same way you looked at her.”
He couldn’t be more wrong. That was not it at all. The fact that he feels that way sends a wave of fresh hurt through me. Why are men so stupid?
“First of all,” I sit on the bed and rest my hand on his chest. “She was my responsibility. I was her parent for all intents and purposes, not to mention she was practically still a kid when she was diagnosed. I had to be the adult. It’s not anything like that here. You’re a grown ass man with a family that loves and supports you. I was her everything, Eli. There was no family or support system, I was it for her. So, yes, my entire life revolved around fixing or making things better for her. But us . . .” I sigh “It isn’t that way. I want to be your partner. I want you to lean on me and then hold me up when I’m falling. That’s not pity, that’s love. Don’t ever make this a parallel to Steph, because it’s not.”
He lifts his hand, touches my lips and releases a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Heather. I never wanted to hurt you like that.”
I believe him. Eli and I both have a lot of shit in our pasts that will be our demise if we don’t work through it.
“I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but it did, which is why I needed to walk away before I said something I’d regret.”
“I thought you left,” he admits with dejection laced in his voice. “I didn’t think you were coming back and that I lost you because of this . . .”
I shake my head, partially in disbelief and partially in frustration. After all that we’ve endured, I don’t know how he thinks I would be the girl to leave him because he’s sick. There is no choice for me when it comes to him. The day Eli Walsh showed up at my door, he became a part of my world. I fought it, and failed. He’s the other half of me, and there’s no way that I could ever walk away from him.
Which brings me to my next part of this discussion. He has to see the distinctions in how we are from our pasts.
“I’m glad you bring that up.” I lean back so we’re not touching. I tend to think more clearly when we have a little distance. “I am not my ex-husband or your ex-girlfriend. I get that you have issues, and I do, too, but it’s completely unfair to expect me to behave like them. Not only did you compare me to Penelope but also you made me Matt in the same breath. I hate her for what she did to you, and if you don’t see the differences, then we should end things now.”