“Where is all this coming from?” Jay asks. “I’m not blind. Of course I’ve looked at other girls. I’ve even talked to some Jay-you’re-so-awesome-here’s-my-number fangirls. I don’t call or text them, though. I could have. But I didn’t.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“Because, when it comes down to it, they’re not you. They’re not you, Meredith. I don’t know how many times or how many ways I have to tell you to convince you that I am committed to you. Is it really so hard to believe that I’d pick you over some groupies?”
I rub my sweaty palms down the front of my cargo pants. “Yes. No. I mean, I don’t know. I just don’t think I give you a whole lot to love most of the time.”
Jay kisses me, feather light on the lips. “Well, you’re wrong. The faster you get that thought out of your head, the better.”
My text message alert goes off. Since Jay still has my phone, he checks it for me. I have my phone password protected so he can’t read the message but can see who it’s from.
“What’s Vale doing texting you?”
“It probably has to do with our Colorado History project,” I lie. “We’re supposed to meet up this week to work out all the final details.”
He hands over my phone. “You better answer that then.”
I unlock my phone and check the text.
Nathan: Stop. We need to just stop.
I frown, forgetting Jay is even with me. I forget everything except that Nathan is hurting, and it’s somehow all my fault.
Me: Open appointment at Open Closed Doors, 4:00 Friday. Come with me.
Nathan: No.
Me: What do you mean, “no?”
Nathan: Goodbye, Meredith.
Goodbye? What does he mean by goodbye? I look up, Jay coming into focus. “I should go.” The lies continue to come far too easily. “Nathan has some questions about his section of the group project.”
“Where are you meeting up?” Jay asks. “I’ll walk you there.”
“Uh, I shouldn’t keep you from whatever you need to be doing.” I say as I text wait for me to Nathan and hit send. “Don’t worry about me. We can meet up later. Dinner maybe, or something else.”
Jay grins. “I like the sound of ‘something else.’”
I laugh. “I’ll call you when I’m done with project stuff, okay?”
“Can’t wait.”
I leave Jay in the quad and head to the dorms, hoping he doesn’t go back to his room before I have the chance to talk to Nathan. Sometimes it feels like I’m leading a double life, one I hope will soon converge so I don’t have to keep all my stories straight. Maybe once Nathan and I find out what happened to Nate and Mercy and their spirits can rest, things can go back to normal—however one defines normal in this place. My life can’t get much more complicated even if it tried.
“Nathan?” I knock on his dorm room door. “Let me in.”
“Jay, how many times do I have to tell you to take your key?” Nathan calls from inside in answer to my knock. “I’m not always going to be here. I got a life too, you know.” The door opens, and Nathan stares down at me. “Oh. You’re not Jay.”
“I came as soon as I could,” I begin without preamble. “I’m worried about you, Nate.” I close my eyes when I realize my slipup. “Nathan. I’m worried about you, Nathan. I must have called and texted like a million times. I thought you would be happy about me scheduling an appointment at Open Closed Doors. Why weren’t you answering your phone?”
Nathan turns and heads back into the room. I follow. “I saw it was you and didn’t pick up. Two can play the ice routine.”
I run a hand through my hair. “That’s not very nice, but since I was doing the exact same thing to you, I can’t even pretend to be mad.”
“So what made you change your mind about Open Closed Doors?” he asks.
“I want to find out what happened to Nate and Mercy,” I say. “I don’t want to keep repeating the cycle, Nathan. It hasn’t worked out for anyone so far. We keep going around and around in circles. All it’s brought is confusion. We need to put a stop to it now.” I spy an open suitcase on his bed. “What’s going on? Why are you packing?”
“’Cause I’m leaving.” Nathan is not able to look me in the eye when he says it. “I don’t belong here. Nate was an outsider and so am I. I’m so far down on the ski team alternate list, I’ll never make it on the slopes, and you’re parading around with a rock the size of Gibraltar on your hand. I don’t fit into your world and never will. It’s about time I stopped pretending and just leave you to your world and find my place somewhere else.”
“But I don’t want you to go.” I reach for his hand. Nathan tries to pull away, but I hold on tight. “At least put your decision off through the weekend. Wait to see what we find out at our final regression appointment. Will you do that for me? Will you go one last time to Open Closed Doors?”
Nathan strokes my cheek with the fingers of his free hand. “Haven’t you figured it out yet, Meredith? I’d do anything for you.”
Despite all my brave talk of wanting to know what happened to Mercy and Nate, my feet once again stall outside the door of Open Closed Doors on Friday afternoon. It doesn’t take a psychic or remembering Myrtle Stone King’s words of “so many hearts broken” to know how things end.
“What’s wrong?” Nathan turns his head to look at me, his hand hovering on the doorknob. “Is it more of the same like last time? I’m here, remember? I’m always here for you.”
“I’m scared.” Just saying the words out loud makes the fear lose a little of its power. “I know any life is not all sunshine and light, but, sometimes, it feels like it’s easier not to know. Maybe we forgot for a reason. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe we’re pushing where we shouldn’t push.” I glance at the quiet graveyard next to the shop. It looks peaceful, but the voices of the dead are still reaching out to me, asking for help. They’re just a whisper. If I let my guard down, they’ll become deafening. I can’t help everyone. Maybe I can try to help myself. I turn back to Open Closed Doors. Is exploring the past the only way to do that? Is this the only way to set Mercy and Nate free?
“Maybe the ‘what happened’ is the puzzle piece we’ve both been searching for.” Nathan opens the door. He’s sure, even if I’m not. “After that, everything else will fall into place. We’ll be able to see the big picture and decide what to do after that.”
“I hope you’re right.” I force my legs to move and follow him inside.
“Welcome back.” Catalina smiles when the bell jingles our entrance. She punches the button on the phone system to send calls to voicemail and sets out the sign that reads, In a session—please relax and be patient. “I hope you’ve been able to apply some of the knowledge you’ve uncovered so far.”
“It’s easier to pick up on the patterns,” Nathan says. “If we’re doing the right thing with that knowledge is a different story.”