I wiped my fingers on my napkin, threw it onto the platter of empty prawn and oyster shells, and took the last sip of my beer. Then I looked out across the harbour and sighed contentedly. Lunch at Watsons Bay Pub on a sunny day was one of my favourite things about Sydney. The other night, when Nick and I had been lying in bed at my place, I had asked him about his favourite things to do in Sydney, and I was surprised when he replied he hadn’t really done much other than enjoy the view from his balcony. He commented on a few of his favourite restaurants but not much else. So I vowed to show him all my favourite parts of Sydney. If that gave him reasons not to leave so soon, then all the better.
When I saw Nick winding his way back through the tables from the bathroom, I picked up his phone off the table and walked towards him, handing it to him before I headed into wash my hands properly in the bathrooms.
We walked along the water, then decided to head up the Gap walking path to enjoy the afternoon sun before catching the ferry home. We stood at the Gap bluff for a while, just enjoying the breeze and the sound of the waves hitting the rocks below us. On such a nice day, having the spot to ourselves for a bit was surprising. There were a few joggers and people walking their dogs along the path, but over here against the fence, we were alone.
Nick sat on the rock and patted the spot beside him. Once I settled, he opened and shut his fists, flexing his fingers a few times in a nervous gesture. “I was wondering… and you… I mean… I…” He sighed loudly. “Jesus fuck, I can talk to a room full of bloodthirsty vampires known as businessmen, or even worse, lawyers, and have no problem negotiating multi-million dollar deals, but I can’t bloody work out how to talk to you about sex.”
I grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. “What about sex?”
He looked out to sea for a few more moments before turning towards me. “I’m not saying I’m unhappy with what we have done so far, not at all, but… you kind of implied you aren’t strictly a top, only we haven’t talked about it again. And I was wondering. I don’t normally like to, but if you need to top, I think I could bottom, but it wasn’t…” He huffed out a breath, frustrated with himself.
I shook my head. “I don’t want you doing anything you don’t like. And honestly, anal sex isn’t the end of the world for me. But having said that, if it is something you would like to explore, then I’m not against it. I guess I like sex to be spontaneous, not necessarily planned, and for me, having to prep takes away some of the spontaneity. Honestly, fuck changing what I eat, but it’s not really a big deal, I guess. And I’m not strictly a top. I… I think… I mean, I want to bottom… I know that’s what I would prefer, especially with you… but I…”
I cleared my throat. “Obviously, I’ve topped occasionally at clubs, but usually it’s blowjobs or whatever… I haven’t… I mean… I’ve never had anyone I’ve wanted to bottom for before…” My voice trailed off, and I played with Nick’s hands in his lap.
Nick reached up and lifted my chin. “And now?” he asked gently.
“And now… I’d like to try.”
He kissed me so gently, so softly. “God, you’re amazing, Ky. Thank you. Thank you for being willing to try. If it’s not something you enjoy, then we don’t have to, but I would like to.”
I nodded, leaning against him.
The next week was busy as usual. We texted every day, usually a few times, but only saw each other on Wednesday and Thursday. Both times, I stayed at Nick’s apartment, where we ate a late dinner together and fooled around a bit between watching movies. I loved having someone to simply be with. I didn’t feel like I had to constantly try to impress him or go out to restaurants or clubs. We were comfortable together on the lounge or on the deck chairs outside watching the stars or the boats on the harbour.
When we fooled around, Nick was always driving. Not that I wasn’t a very, very willing participant. Maybe I wasn’t quite as confident; I don’t know. I had never felt this completely physical want for another person before. Obviously, I had felt horny and enjoyed finding someone to take the edge off. But not the feeling I wanted him specifically instead of wanting a blowjob or wanting to get off. I wanted him.
Telling him so wasn’t always easy, but it was like he could see it. When I wanted something but hesitated, he took over. And not having to make every decision and then second-guess myself felt so fucking good. But even with Nick taking charge and our conversation the previous weekend, he hadn’t pushed for more.
Late on Thursday, we were lying in bed, mutual blowjobs leaving us both sated and exhausted. I was on my back with my arms up above my head under the pillow, and Nick was across the bed with his head on my stomach. Having him here was peaceful. Even when work had been busy or stressful or emotional, having Nick here calmed me down. I wasn’t tired exactly, but I had my eyes closed, enjoying the post-orgasm bliss.
“I’ve never dated anyone before. I don’t want to fuck this up,” Nick whispered.
I lift my head and glanced down at him. Hearing any insecurity from him was rare—that was my thing. “Neither have I. Well, I guess I had a couple of guys at uni I went out with a few times, but they lost interest after a few dates, so…”
Nick rolled to face me, his head still on my stomach and adorable frown lines between his eyes. “How could anyone lose interest in you? They were clearly deficient.”
I snorted. By date three, Brad thought he had paid his dues, and when I didn’t want to have sex, he called me a few names, and I never heard from him again. And Josh and I had met at uni games for a fun week of blowjobs and a couple of handjobs in the hotel bathrooms. But once we were home, he was always busy, committed to being offered a spot in a master’s program, and finding time was a struggle. Turned out he was also committed to his girlfriend and, more importantly, her rich father. I was a fun way to take the edge off when she wouldn’t put out. But I figured Nick didn’t need all those details.
“Ky?”
“Yeah?”
“What we talked about last weekend—I don’t want you to think I was pressuring you. If you want to take that step, you let me know. I know I can be… what is it Eric calls me? a ‘fucking bossy bitch’, but I’m going to leave this one up to you.”
“I know you’re not pressuring me. And I... I like you being bossy. I like that I don’t have to worry about doing the right thing and making the right choice. I like you taking charge.”
I never thought I would want that. I hadn’t thought I could let go, but with him, it was… I guess comforting. I liked how I could just relax with him, and he looked after me. But this I was glad he was leaving up to me.
He shuffled up the bed and laid on his pillow, snuggling in next to me and pulling the doona up to cover us. “Babe, I… I’m not sure how to say this, so maybe I’ll get it wrong. Don’t be nervous, okay? I like that you have never bottomed before. I really like that I’m going to be your first. I like that a lot.” He closed his eyes and snuggled in even closer.
My wide eyes stared at the ceiling. He thinks… oh God… He thinks I’m a virgin. He likes the idea of being my first… What happens when he finds out the truth? How do I tell him? I can’t not tell him…