It felt like a blow to my chest. I tried to take deep breaths, but I still couldn’t.
What the fuck is wrong with the air in this room?
“Why would… I don’t... understand.”
Confused, Nick glanced between Tim and me.
How could he have done this?
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Nick asked, stepping towards me.
“Seriously?” Suddenly, I was angry. So fucking angry. “Are you fucking kidding me? How could you?”
“I still have no idea what I’ve done?”
“You’re the only person who knew. You’re the only person I have ever told! What the fuck was the point? This is my fucking family. You had no right. No fucking right!”
Tim stood up and tried to talk, but I couldn’t even hear him over the rushing sound inside my head.
Nick stepped towards me. “Ky, baby, I have no idea…”
“Don’t. Don’t!” I spat at him.
“Ky, just calm down and listen,” Tim tried again.
Nick reached for me, and I pulled away, stumbling into the counter. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever fucking touch me again. We’re done.”
Nick gasped and stepped backwards. “Ky, love…”
“No!” I roared. Nick flinched, but I didn’t give a shit. How did he not understand what he had done? How could he stand there? I’d trusted him. I’d trusted him with everything. With all of me.
Tim tried to talk to me again, but I shook my head. I couldn’t even hear him. Nick stepped forward, but the glare I gave him had him stepping back.
“Maybe I should go,” Nick said quietly. He hesitated, then added, “Ky, I’ll be at my place when you want to talk. I’m not going anywhere. Come and find me when you’re ready.”
He turned and walked off, and all of my energy and resolve went with him. I slumped into a chair.
Tim knelt next to me. There was a whirring noise inside my head, but I tried to focus on his words. “Ky, I know you’re upset, but you need to listen to me. Can you do that?”
Part of me wanted to run. If I wasn’t here, we wouldn’t have to have this conversation. I had never run from things before. But this? This I wasn’t sure I could do.
“Ky, Nick didn’t tell me.”
“He is the only one who knew. The only one.”
“That’s not true is it, though? And that’s not even the point. How I found out is irrelevant. I wasn’t trying to attack you, Ky. I just… I needed to know that you’re okay. I hate that I wasn’t there to protect you. I didn’t want—fuck, I wasn’t trying to turn this into something that hurt you even more. I don’t know. Maybe I should have left it alone.”
My anger had all gone, washed away along with my strength. I didn’t know how long I sat and stared at the table before I started. “I worked for about eight or nine months when things got desperate. I stopped when Mum said we were moving in with you. This isn’t Mum’s fault. Please don’t blame her.” My voice sounded dead. Even to my own ears.
Tim put his hands on mine. “I’m not blaming Rhiannon. And I’m not blaming you either. I’m sorry I upset you. I…” He sighed. “You were wrong that Nick was the only one who knew. Lots of people knew—he was just the only one you told. You knew, Antony knew, your pimp knew, all your customers knew. That’s a lot of people, but you chose to blame the person who loves you. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
The look on Nick’s face when he said he was leaving was still crystal clear in my mind. He wasn’t angry. He looked so hurt. And maybe a little lost.
Oh, God, what have I done?
“But how?” I needed to know
“You told me.” My eyes darted up to his. “I was Antony’s case worker. I knew when he left the Atkins family he was working the streets, but short of him being arrested, it was hard to keep track of him. When I asked you about the photo, I knew he hadn’t worked at Coles, I knew the only job he had ever had, but it took me a few days to work out how the two of you had been making ends meet, all the signs you were keeping secrets that I just missed until I looked at them with the benefit of hindsight. Then a bit of digging to find that paedophiles’ conviction a few years later for pimping out underage kids, doing the math to work out the years you had been living in his building. It took me a long time to piece it together. Too fucking long.”
“But you only saw the photo a few days ago.”
“It took me sixteen years too long. I’m so sorry, Ky.”
I couldn’t stop the tears any more than I could when I told Nick. But this time, I wasn’t giving in to them. When Tim tried to put his arm around me, I shrugged it off. “Don’t, please. I… I can’t keep crying over this. It’s done, okay? It doesn’t matter anymore. It was a long time ago. I’m fine.”
Tim dropped his arm but stayed sitting at the table with me, not speaking, just holding my hands.
“All these years, Ant always had an excuse why he wouldn’t come to dinner on a holiday. He always had some amazing offer or something came up. If you recognized him, I’m guessing he would have recognized you too.”
“He definitely would’ve recognised me, but I’m not sure when he ever saw me.”
I shrugged. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore.
“Please don’t tell Mum. I know I’m asking a lot, but I’m not trying to protect myself. This would kill her. She would run back through every conversation, every dollar I used to buy stuff. She would torture herself with thoughts of every guy who fucked me.”
Tim made a strangled sound, but I ignored it.
I felt cold. Everything hurt. I needed to warm up so I could stop shivering. I needed Nick.
Without saying another word, I stood and walked up to my old bedroom. Kicking off my jeans, I curl up under the doona and continued to shiver. I couldn’t get warm. I lay there, seeing Nick’s face as I yelled at him that we were done. I never had the relief of sleep but drifted in and out of awareness. The ache that surrounded my chest kept me pinned down.
The next thing I was aware of was a knock on the bedroom door. Tim pushed the door open. He frowned when he saw me in bed. “Please tell me you haven’t been in bed all day.”
“Huh?” I looked over at the clock. 4:30 PM. I tried to sit up, but I still felt like I had the flu. Everything hurt. My head spun, and my stomach ached. I sat on the edge of the bed, hoping my head would stop spinning long enough to have a shower.
“Were you supposed to work today?”
I shook my head tentatively, then stopped and thought about it and shook my head again. “Nah, not today.”
“Rhi will be home soon. Can I suggest a shower? Have you spoken to Nick yet?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. My head hurt too much to shake it again.
“Shower, then game plan. Now.”
After a warm shower, I dressed in old track pants and a t-shirt and made my bed before heading downstairs gingerly.
There was Panadol and a glass of water on the table. Once I took two, Tim refilled the glass and dropped a Berocca in, placing it in front of me. “So, what’s the game plan?”