Eventually, more than a week later, we were able to take his father’s body back to England and hold his funeral. Watching him be the person everyone described him as before we met was so fucking hard. Detached, extremely focused, but cold.
The day of the funeral was sunny and cool. We were staying in a hotel not too far from Nick’s parents' house, and by the time I woke up, he was already dressed. I walked over to him, but before I could lean forward to embrace him, he stood and took his water glass to the sink. “I have to get to the funeral home early. I’ve arranged for a car to come and pick you up at eleven.”
“You should’ve woken me up. I can be ready in ten minutes. Just give me a sec.”
I turned to rush back into the bedroom, but Nick stopped me. “No, Ky, there’s no need. Stay here. I will see you there.” Before I could even try to argue with him, he was gone.
The funeral was formal, and the wake at his parents' place was cold. Through several eulogies and the endless people who came up to Nick since we had been at the house, every single one of them talked about Mr. Hennington’s business. Not a single person said anything about him as a friend or as a person. As we moved around so Nick could escape group after group, I glanced around the house. It was stifling, and not simply with the sombre mood for the occasion. It was like there was no evidence of actual people living there. Certainly no evidence they had a son. Group after group, Nick listened to strangers rattle on about his father's business. Then he thanked them for coming. He rarely introduced me, and I wondered who they thought I was. But then I realised they probably hadn’t even noticed me standing there at all.
A week later, I was back in Sydney, tired, jet-lagged, unsure, and alone.
Nick was over 7000 kilometres away in Hong Kong.
When I landed in Sydney, I had a text from Nick to say he had arrived, and he would call in the next day or two once he settled in and had gotten a local SIM card.
It was almost a week before I heard from him. He was tired. I was so damn happy just to hear his voice. “Hey. How was work?”
“Good. How are you?”
“Busy. The contracts should be straightforward. Hong Kong’s tax system is very simple. Dad wasn’t dumb. It’s just a lot of unfinished things. Still trying to work out where he was at with each thing.”
“Try to get some rest. Please don’t wear yourself out.”
“I’m fine.”
Then, there were only texts.
Me: Hey.
Nick: Hey. How was the training this week?
Me: Okay. Kicked Grayson’s arse. That’s all that matters. Ian still kicked mine.
Nick: I need to get into this meeting. Talk soon.
Me: How are you?
Nick: Fine. How are you?
Me: I’m fine.
Me: Hey Nick. Call me when you get back to your hotel. I miss you.
Me: Hey Nick, I missed you last night. Hope you’re ok.
Even when he did reply, it wasn’t exactly filling me with warmth.
Nick: Sorry, didn’t get back until late. I’m fine. Hope you are well.
Me: I’m fine. Give me a call tonight.
Me: I’m home. Call whenever you get time.
Me: Nick, I tried calling your hotel. They said you checked out several days ago. Are you okay?
Nick: Hi. I changed hotels. Across in Kowloon now. I will call you tomorrow.
Me: So where are you staying now?
Me: Hey Nick. Please call me. I’m getting worried about you.
Nick: I’m fine. Just busy.
Me to Eric: Hi, it’s Ky. Have you spoken to Nick recently? I’m worried about him.
Eric: Hey Lube Boy! Miss seeing your scary face around. Nicholas texted a few times. He’s fine. That’s about as much as you’ll ever get from him in a text.
Me: It’s not like him. He won’t talk to me.
Eric: I’m sure he is fine. Communication has never been his strong point.
Me: I just want to try to help.
Eric: Try sending him a dick pic. That would cheer me up ;)
K: Thanks. You’re very helpful.
Eric: IKR!
Me to Nick: Hey.
Me: Hey.
Me: Nick, I need you to call me. Or answer my calls. Or something okay? Please.
Nick: Sorry. Just busy. I’m fine.
Me: Well, I’m not.
My phone beeped almost immediately with an incoming Facetime call. Nick. I fumbled the phone before answering. “Nick?”
I had never been so happy to see someone’s face in my life. Someone’s tired, worried face. “Babe, what wrong? What’s happened?”
“Nothing happened. I just miss you. You aren’t answering my texts. I’m worried about you.”
His face relaxed, the fatigue still evident. “I thought something had happened.”
“Nick, how are you really? And I swear to God, if you say you are fine, I am going to be so fucking pissed at you.”
He looked away, then back at the camera, before looking away again.
“Nick, please talk to me.”
When he finally spoke, it was barely a whisper, and I had to strain to hear each word. “I miss you. I miss being the person I am when I’m with you. I don’t know if I’m just tired. Everything feels heavier without you here.”
“Baby,” I whispered. The pain and exhaustion in his voice gutted me.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better. I just… it’s hard. I don’t know how to do this. This long-distance thing. I don’t know if…” He sighed but didn’t continue.
“You don’t know if what? Are you breaking up with me? Because I need you to be clear. I don’t know what you’re saying. I need…”
“No! God, no, baby. No, I… I’m just not sure how to do this. This isn’t fair to you. Look, I am going to be busy here for a little while. Maybe a month or two. Maybe more. I don’t know. I think that you sitting around waiting for me is ridiculous. If you want to see other pe...”
I hung up, pressing the button as quickly as I could. Maybe that wasn’t the right reaction. I could have interrupted. I could have said something. But it was the quickest way to make sure I didn’t hear what he was about to say.
Did he want to see other people? I knew he said he was busy, but he wasn’t working twenty-four hours a day. And he hooked up with a lot of guys before me. So maybe he needed that outlet while he was all the way over there.
Maybe I was being selfish. I had my friends and family here. He’s all alone there, dealing with his dad's business, working, by himself. God, I really was selfish sometimes. This wasn’t him cheating on me. I couldn’t really expect him to sit alone for months while I had Mum and Tim and Alex and my friends when I could fit them in.
God, he was trying to talk to me about what he needed, and I just shut him down. Damn it.
I called him back on Facetime. He didn’t answer at first, but when I tried again, he picked up. “Ky, baby, I...”